5 More Happiness Hacks for Families

Lindsay Miller  0:07  
You're listening to The Stress Nanny podcast, and I'm your host, Lindsay Miller. I'm here to help you keep an eye on your family stress levels. In our fast paced lives, the ability to manage stress has never been more important for kids or adults. When it comes to stress, we have two choices, we can decrease stress or increase our resilience to it. Here on the number eight ranked stress podcast, I interview experts and share insights to help you do both. When you tune in each week, you'll bring your stress levels down and your resilience up so that stress doesn't get in the way of you living your best life. I'm so glad you're here. 

Well, hello, this is Lindsay, and I'm so glad you're here. Welcome to The Stress Nanny podcast. This is another episode where I'm gonna continue sharing happiness hacks from Christine Carter's book raising happiness. So it'll just be me today sharing the last five tips that she gives for raising the levels of happiness in our homes. And she talks about how these habits and the teachings around this really have long term impact on her children's well being. So it's not just momentary happiness that we're going for. But it's kind of setting in place habits and practices in our homes that will allow happiness to be kind of our default or go to. And today, I'm going to share the last five. So we talked last on the last episode about some simple things like gratitude. And we talked about building a village, putting on your own oxygen mask first, or caring for yourself first, expecting like the process to unfold without it being perfect, and raising emotional intelligence. So those are the first five. Today we're going to talk about forming happiness habits, teaching self discipline, enjoying the present moment, which you know, I'm such a big fan of rigging our environments for happiness, and then eating dinner together, interestingly. So the first one that we're going to talk about is forming happiness habits. Now this kind of goes into everyday interactions with our kids, like we can engage with them habitually, and make it miserable for all involved. Or we can add a dose of empathy to everything that we do, which is going to up the happiness factor. Now, there are some other ways we can increase our happiness habits. But I want to focus on empathy, because it's one that can be challenging, especially from a grown up perspective, because sometimes the struggles that kids are facing seem small in comparison to adult struggles. But for kids, there are very real struggles and very important struggles. And so if we find ourselves at odds with our kids, and how important something is, one way that we can increase happiness pretty quick, is by creating this habit of empathy, where we respond to them, you know, with understanding for the stress that they're experiencing, regardless of how we would rate that stress in our own lives. So if it's really stressing them out, we notice and say, this seems like something that's really, really important to you. I feel like we need to have a conversation about this, or this obvious that I didn't realize how important this was, it meant my answer may not change. But I really want to understand your perspective. And really giving them the chance to own and voice their frustration, or you know, happiness, whatever it is, like having empathy really, really lends itself to increasing emotional awareness, which we talked about last episode, and also just creating a safe space. So if they feel seen and heard in our home, they're going to feel inclined to share, they're going to feel inclined to you know, develop and cultivate their own interests. If they you know, if they're validated in these small things, they're going to feel a greater sense of independence. And so giving them the opportunity to experience empathy every day, is a habit that will definitely up level the happiness in our homes. The next one that she talks about is teaching self discipline. And this one can be challenging, right, because sometimes when, like hustle and bustle of day to day life, we just want to get stuff done. And so we impose a lot of external structure on kids that like gets, you know, makes things happen. And in the long run, what's really going to serve is for kids to have the intrinsic motivation to get things done. The trouble is that intrinsic motivation takes a little bit more effort to cultivate and also sometimes is maddening, right, because it's maybe not coming along at the pace that we would like or there are some missteps or you know, struggles or hurdles that we have to move through in order for self discipline to come on. Online. So totally understandable if self discipline feels like something that you wish would happen, but not something you're ready to invest fully in. But some of the ways that we can do that are by giving kids small activities to be responsible for, and letting you know their independence and their capability build over time. So if it's something, you know, as simple as taking out the trash, you know, after dinner or once a week, or whenever their turn is helping them cultivate discipline around that task can look like you know, helping them identify what materials they'd like to use to make little reminder signs, or what kinds of things they want to be told, if there's like a reminder that needs to be offered. Well, a simple code word or reminder could be or signal hand signal that you could use to help them just take care of it. Instead of having to nag and having to impose consequences, just helping them like setting them up in advance to own the activity, and then maybe giving them a little bit more autonomy on when it happens. Like, do you want to take the trash out before we you know, finished clearing the table? Like as everybody's clearing the table? Do you want to take it out then? Or do you want to kind of wait till everybody's done? Or do you want to take it out later, after all the dishes are done, and everybody's kind of on to the next thing, when do you think would be the best time to take out the trash. And so sometimes when we can give kids a greater sense of ownership in, in their responsibilities, it allows and invites a heightened sense of, of discipline to come to come in. And also, I think that we'll talk about this in just a minute. But sometimes the environmental factors play a really big role in the discipline that our kids exercise, some something that's coming to mind is school, like some teachers expect kids to be really disciplined and others teachers kind of guide them along. So if your child has gone from a teacher who, you know, just kind of does everything for the kids to one who expects them to be a little bit more disciplined, which is normal, as they get older, there's going to be a learning curve there, right. And then similarly, like, if you have a kid in a class where self discipline is kind of the watchword, and then you have another kid in a class where it's not, it's probably going to be easier for the kid in the class with self discipline to come home and have that, you know, motivation or the discipline at home. So environment does play, you know, a factor in in this. But I think that at the end of the day, like when we can help kids see our own discipline, that also can be supportive of them learning it themselves. So saying things like, I really, you know, didn't feel like doing this today, but recognize that it was important. And so I got it done. Or, you know, I was really tired. And I felt like I didn't want to go to work today. But because our family relies on my income, I went to, you know, I went to work. And it took some discipline for me to do that. And helping them understand like what the word discipline means. And how it translates into life can be really helpful. And it also can invite them to kind of access a broader definition of discipline and see how it fits into their life overall. And again, like we want to create these relationships with our kids that are authoritative, not authoritarian, where we're like telling them what to do all the time. And not permissive, where we're kind of like anything goes, but authoritative, where there's an exchange, their structure and expectations, but there's a little bit of flexibility about how those get carried out. And so like we illustrated with a couple of those examples, giving them an expectation, and then letting them cultivate their own method for taking, you know, carrying it out, that can help them with discipline, because they have more ownership of it. So a few other examples she gives in the book or encouraging self talk. So it's, again, this idea of like a higher level, observing part of our brain that's getting some practice when we're like, talking ourselves through an activity, like what are the steps I would need to do to get this done, I would need to open you know, the drawer where the garbage is, pull out the bag, tie it, make sure that there's no leaks in it, and then take it outside and put it in the trash, come back inside, get another bag, put it in. And sometimes that can be helpful as you're doing the activity or just talking through the steps before the activity. And that can be, you know, a thing that you help with if it feels right, like if you need to be there, kind of guiding them through the steps as they're learning it or even as they've done it a million times and just aren't necessarily focusing in like just helping them think through the steps can can help them kind of take it from there with discipline.

And then another thing that she talks about, which is so interesting is teaching kids to distract themselves. So A lot of times if we can, like, hold off, big distraction, we kind of forget about it. So we don't necessarily keep it in our consciousness. So if a child is doing homework, and a brother or sister is over playing a video game, and that's like a big distraction, then it can be challenging for the child to kind of stay focused and settle in. But if we can give it something else to think about, and we can give them maybe it's not exactly the homework, but it's just a different distraction that's a little closer to the homework, like, Oh, look at the dog, they're sitting at your feet, just waiting patiently while you're trying to do your homework. Sometimes that can help them to just focus back in, so kind of choosing distractions that will work. And then also reducing stress levels. She mentioned that and how, if kids are overly stressed, it's really hard for them to be disciplined. And so helping them manage stress levels, you recognizing kind of when they're overly stressed and stepping in and not expecting discipline, self discipline at that point can also be can also be supportive. And then also just the idea of having realistic expectations and letting, letting again, this process of self discipline develop over time in in ways that are congruent with what the child is actually capable of, and not expecting too much. So self discipline is important for happiness, long term and, and short term. So the next one that she shares is enjoying the present moment. And you know that because I talk about mindfulness all the time, that this is one that I'm a big fan of. So things like tuning into our senses, making time for breathing, practice, doodling, you know, doing an art project, those are all things that can add a little bit of mindfulness, a lot of times kids are already mindful, and we interrupt them and pull them out of mindful states. So giving them the chance to be mindful and letting, letting their mindfulness continue. If you see them concentrating, if you see them really, really focused on something, if you see them outside, enjoying a moment with nature, just allowing that and not interrupting it, just really being present with them and letting that be an invitation for you to be present also. And then you know, I'm such a big fan of, of meditation for kids in whatever way shape or form it takes. Meditation is such a key skill that will serve them for their whole lives. And then the next one that she talks about is rigging their environment for happiness. So this entails really being intentional about the places we have our kids and just taking a step back. And instead of just looking at the activity that we want them to do, or that they want to do say they want to do a dance class, being able to discern whether the people teaching the dance class are going to uplevel their happiness or bring it down like is it going to be a drain for them to be around these people? Is this environment going to kind of pull up their happiness? Or is it going to elevate it. So while the activity itself might elevate their happiness, the environment in which the activity takes place can have a huge effect on whether or not they feel happy. So being able to start to exercise discernment around that is really important. One of the things that I look for when it comes to this is like how much do the people in the environment have a sense of like, steadiness themselves? Like? Are they super emotional, and kind of ups and downs, highs and lows? And is my child going to be subjected to that when when she's with them? Or are they able to kind of process their emotions and show up and be really present with the kids in the setting that they're in? Another thing is how much freedom versus structure is in the environment, I think having a mix is important. And as kids get older, having more and more levels of independence is important. So allowing kids to access the opportunities for independence and discipline, in environments outside the home is really important because it's going to be much, much easier to teach them those things if, if our external environments or you know, teaching things with similar values are similar to what we're trying to do in our homes. So one of the things that can also be helpful in these moments is if you find that your child is in a setting where happiness isn't prioritized, you know, in the culture that they're in, if it's not possible to move them at that point, talking with them about the impact of that culture can be really supportive. So if they're in a classroom, and maybe they have a sub, you know, for a couple of days and they're their teachers out, being able to talk with them about the differences between the sub and their regular teacher, and how what are some of the things the sub does that makes that classroom environment uncomfortable, or frustrating, or, I mean, obviously, if they're really uncomfortable, we want to communicate that to the someone in charge, but uncomfortable meaning like it's a different routine or different expectations, and helping kids really understand like what else aspects of the environment do they value, and what is the impact on the environment on them. And as we teach them to exercise discernment and awareness around that it can serve later on as they start to choose their own environments, their own friendships, and start to notice different qualities in people and environments, because we want them to be in environments that where they feel uplifted, supported, you know, and really nourished, and with the opportunity to grow. And so giving them giving them some education and communication around that can help them later on as they're choosing those environments for themselves. And then the last one she shares is eating dinner together. And she talks about how making sure that kids have a caring adult with them, you know, for for a meal every day is important, and how it can also give us an opportunity to weave in all of these different qualities, you know, just in a simple dinnertime conversation, or just in the connection that we can have with our kids during dinner, how the just the simple act of connecting regularly at the same time every day can give, give so many positive benefits, both the meal itself and the opportunity and potential that comes with the time together. So those are the next five, I think it's really again, important to note that I'm not suggesting you do all five today. But just pick one, pick one that sounds fun to you that sounds like when you were curious about trying and implement it in your day to day. I know sometimes it can be a challenge to learn new things or try new techniques or you know, habit habituate new patterns at home. But when we make the effort, especially when we can do these things that we know based on research and just, you know, common experience, have a big, big impact that we know that the effort is worth it, right? Like if we do these things, we can definitely increase the happiness of our kids, then these seem like really great things to try. So again, I'm curious which one you want to try first and what you feel inclined toward? Are you going to be thinking about happiness habits, teaching self discipline, enjoying the present moment rigging environments for happiness or eating dinner together. You probably already doing several of these. So let me know how it's going for you and what you want to try. Thanks again for being here. You've just finished an episode of the stress nanny podcast. So hopefully you feel a little more empowered when it comes to dealing with stress. Feel free to take a deep breath and let it out slowly as you go back to your day. I'm so glad you're here. If you're a longtime listener, thank you so much for your support. It really means the world to me. If you're new, I'd love to have you follow the podcast and join me each week. And no matter how long you've been listening, please share this episode with someone who was stressed out. If you enjoyed the show, would you please do me a favor and go to ratethispodcast.com/thestressnanny and leave a review. The link is in the show notes. I'm so grateful for all my listeners. Thank you again for being here. Until next time!

Transcribed by https://otter.ai