Are your kids feeling disconnected?

Lindsay Miller  0:07  
You're listening to The Stress Nanny podcast and I'm your host, Lindsay Miller. I'm here to help you keep an eye on your family stress levels. In our fast paced lives, the ability to manage stress has never been more important for kids or adults. When it comes to stress, we have two choices we can decrease stress or increase our resilience to it. Here on the number eight ranked stress podcast, I interview experts and share insights to help you do both. When you tune in each week, you'll bring your stress levels down and your resilience up so that stress doesn't get in the way of you living your best life. I'm so glad you're here. 

Hey, this is Lindsay, and I'm so glad you're here for this week's episode. Lately, we're seeing a lot of kids who feel disconnected, whether it's disconnected from their family or not quite integrated into their friend group, just like a sense of feeling isolated and alone and sometimes anxious as a result. So I went looking for an expert who could share some ideas on how to help kids feel a sense of connection. Heather is an expert in family history. And she talks about how even the simplest ways when we incorporate stories about our family, about our ancestors about different generations in our family. We help kids build a sense of connection. I'm so excited for this episode. I hope you enjoy it on to the show. 

Welcome to The Stress Nanny podcast. I'm your host, Lindsay Miller, and I'm so glad you're here to make your life a little less stressful. This week. I'm talking to Heather Murphy. She's a genealogist mindset coach and host of the stories in our roots podcast. With a bachelor's degree in family history, genealogy and 20 years of experience helping people discover the stories of their ancestors. Heather knows the clarity, confidence and perspective that comes from spending time in the branches of your family tree. When she's not exploring family trees, she's knitting lace shawls taking care of her Welsh Harlequin ducks or trying to understand her teenage son as he discusses quantum mechanics. Heather, thanks so much for joining me.

Heather Murphy  2:03  
Oh, thanks, Lindsay. It's great to be here with you.

Lindsay Miller  2:06  
So I'm really excited about our conversation, because I'm intrigued by your work around reducing stress levels through family history. And I think it's like an emerging field that more and more people are talking about. And I really loved the idea of just taking like these specific actions and knowing how they actually reduce stress in families and help kids feel more confident and empowered.

Heather Murphy  2:29  
Absolutely, it's, I've been doing this so long, and realize that there's been so much left on the table when people when it comes to family history and how people interact with their family history. And so I'm excited to help people to learn how to get more out of their family's past.

Lindsay Miller  2:49  
Yeah, okay, let's get into it. Because I think in thinking about it in sometimes in the modern day stresses that we face, we can feel a sense of disconnect, right, from like, things the way that our parents or grandparents did things, especially because the world is changing so significantly, right? And so it's hard sometimes to relate to people who farmed maybe, or people who, you know, lived at a time without electricity. And maybe you think to yourself, what, how is this going to be supportive to modern living, you know, like, what, what is the offering here? And that's where you really dive in and are like, Oh, no, there's so much right? Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. So okay, what are some of the ways that like, let's just start with confidence? What are some of the ways that we build competence in our kids or in our families with family history? Because a lot of families right now, like, you know, we're kids anyway, sometimes adolescence is such a challenging time to cultivate confidence, right? And so that's something that all people struggle with. And I don't think family history is like the first idea people have when they're thinking like, let me help my kid build competence.

Heather Murphy  3:55  
Yeah, well, there's a couple of ways that can do that. One of the ways is by a lot enlarging your sense of self identity. So you have a bigger connection, not only with yourself, but how your self extends to your family. And it kind of makes you bigger than you think that you are, a lot of times we can feel small, and we can feel insignificant. But when you can connect to different stories and different examples, with people that you share an intimate connection with, that can really have the opportunity to build your confidence. If you know that your great grandparent struggled through something, say you know, their immigration story and you know what they had to do? Then you would say I'm related to that person. That person's DNA is inside me. I can do hard things to and so you can kind of borrow their confidence. And I'm sure they didn't have great competence necessarily when they had to travel across an ocean or change continents. But they did it anyway. And one of the beautiful things about family history is you get to look back and see the end of the story. In our lives, we don't have much confidence in ourselves, because we don't know how it's going to turn out. We don't know the end. But when we look at our ancestors lives, we can see those challenges and how they overcome them. And see that it worked out in the end.

Lindsay Miller  5:22  
I love that. That's so powerful. And it makes me think, actually, in our family, we tell the story of our immigration from, like the Hungary area, in the at the turn of the century. And one of the things that I actually think of often as an entrepreneur is My great grandpa who started up his own, he was a tailor. And so he had his own business, and they went for, you know, came in New York, and then eventually moved to Los Angeles, and were around some other German and Hungarian families and ended up being like facilitating the emigration of so many people as a result of his work, you know, as a tailor, and they were judicious with their resources, and were able to support other families in their immigration story as well, like through his entrepreneurship. And I was, I'm always inspired by that, you know, and I'm like, that's just what we do. That's our, you know, like, that's, that's how our family rolls, you know, and it does. So it's fascinating that you brought up like immigration specifically, because I think, I do think of that story pretty often. And we do different humanitarian work, primarily in Guatemala, but around the world. And one of the things that I think of also is him, in those moments like, this is me carrying on that part of our story. Like our family story, he helped people emigrate from, you know, Germany, to the US during a time when that was, you know, what they were really wanting to do. And now our family empowers people in other countries to, you know, live in a way that supports a better standard of living for them as well. And like, it's a carry on, of his legacy in that way.

Heather Murphy  6:59  
Right, and you could still do those things and make a contribution to the world. But how much depth does it give you to know that it's not just you, that it's generations that you are a part of that you have an impact your family has an impact on the world?

Lindsay Miller  7:18  
Yeah, totally. No, it's true, like the depth. And like you just said, the connection, right, like the realization that this is extending beyond my sphere, and like generationally backward, but also inspires me forward, right? Like, if those are qualities that our family has, how can I instill those in my child such that like, what's written in her DNA finds expression in her life in whatever way, you know, it looks in her world.

Heather Murphy  7:46  
And that's why sharing those stories are so important and varying the stories that you tell because your child will not necessarily attach to the same ancestors that you did. Or they'll get different lessons out of that, they'll see their story. And they'll take something else from that ancestor that's important to them, that maybe you hadn't noticed.

Lindsay Miller  8:08  
I love that. So being varied in the story. So if I'm saying one of my grandma's, she would have this keychain that says I'm not weird, I'm gifted. So my sisters and I, we always talk about her and her life, and just her willingness to live really, like authentically in a time when women were not encouraged to live authentically. And, but I love that because sometimes I'll tell that story thinking it's going to land with my daughter, but like, there could be some other stories in her, you know, in her life, that would be a better fit. And so having a variety of stories is important. You're saying because like each child, or each family member might connect with a different story or quality, and that might be kind of their touchstone to that person.

Heather Murphy  8:51  
And it's also important that you tell the good stories, and the not so good stories, because then that shows them that life goes up and down, but then it comes back up again. And it's really easy when we look at our problems. And we look at things that are going on the world around us. And we can feel really stressed out about that. But if we can look at our ancestors lives saying with COVID, and then 1918 flu pandemic, you can look and you can think well, our ancestors probably thought the world was ending too. But it lasted a couple years, and things were able to go back to normal. And so by sharing those up and down stories, it helps kids realize and ourselves, that ups and downs are normal, and it's okay. And it doesn't mean the world ending.

Lindsay Miller  9:40  
Yeah, oh, I love that. I never even thought of that for COVID but that's fantastic. Like, actually, my DNA has already done this. We've done this 100 years ago, so Right. And like But understanding their story and like how they made it through and what that look like for them and then leaning into the resilience. That's what I'm hearing you say to likely Eating into the resilience that's been cultivated over generations of time to, like, see how it manifests in your own life? Because it's there, right? Genetically, we've developed resilience if our genetics are still here they have, right, so. So letting that show up in ways that are resonant. Yeah. I love that. What is like, what are some of the ways you introduce families to family history? So say someone's listening right now? And they're like, Well, I know a couple of stories from my family, but I don't have a ton of information or maybe, you know, they, they don't have any information at all? Or what are some of the ways you kind of invite people to just step into that in a way that feels accessible?

Heather Murphy  10:44  
Well, the first thing is really those stories, and especially if you are trying to connect with your children, the children are not going to enjoy listening to the dates and facts of his ancestor. And that ancestor, nobody really is except for that person that when they say those dates, they have those stories in their mind. So it's all about telling the stories. And I always say like family history starts with you. So you start with telling your stories and your family stories reminiscing together as a family, even if it's about a child's birth, or about a family vacation, start telling those stories, and then get your parents to tell their stories about well, what was it like being a kid? What was it like when you were first married? It's getting curious about what lives were really like, and telling those stories. There was a study done at Emory University in the early 2000s. And they looked at exactly this, this reminiscing of family stories. And they saw like the more detailed and the more emotional stories, those had a bigger impact. But they didn't need to be huge stories. It's like, how did your parents meet? What was your grandpa's job when he got out of high school, just little stories that make kids and ourselves feel connected to beyond us. And so talk to those relatives that are older than you if your parents aren't around your grandparents talk to their siblings, because they share the same similar experiences as your direct ancestors. And they can tell you the things that no record is ever going to be able to share with you.

Lindsay Miller  12:32  
Yeah, oh, that's great. Well, and again, as you were saying, that just gave me that feeling of like insulation, like when when you start drawing in those stories, and you start making those connections, recognizing that you're held in the stories of so many other people, you know, and that your story is connected in so many ways. One of the things that I think is interesting too, is like the exploration of, like you said, just moments, because sometimes it can feel daunting, maybe to like write down a lot of stories or capture them or you know, but like, what you just described was connecting with moments, like connect with a few moments of someone's life. And then from there, you probably get curious about other moments. And then from there, you'll probably get curious about other moments.

Heather Murphy  13:19  
Right? And moments are easy to share. They're easy to share at their dinner table. They're easy to share in the car, driving to soccer practice. And they don't take a lot of time to share those things or to apply when a certain circumstance comes up. You're like, Okay, I remember this story. I can share this and be able to improve the moment or to give myself or my child something else that can help them through this certain challenge they're facing right now.

Lindsay Miller  13:51  
Yeah, yeah. In my work with mindfulness in kids, I usually focus on younger kids. So like eight to 13, I think is a prime age to teach kids mindfulness and then before that, to kind of just prep them with concentration, presence, you know, like tuning into their senses and stuff like that. emotional awareness. But one of the things that AI is striking to me is just how receptive those little kids are, right? Like tiny kids, you give them a moment, a story about a moment, and you make it like a full on emotional story. And they're like jaw open, ready to listen, right? Like the other day I was at my, he's my cousin, but he feels like a brother to me. And I was talking to his cute little kids. And they were talking about some moments when he was little. And they just were like, wide eyed, like all ears about this big wave. And we were talking about boogie boarding, you know, and so I was just like, but there was this big wave coming. And they were like, and what happened next, you know? It's like, when they're little like that. They're such a captive audience, right? It's like in those teen years, maybe we have to start, like making the stories a little bit. more applicable are exciting or you know, fit them a different way. But those little kids, they are ready to just kind of soak all that up, right?

Heather Murphy  15:08  
Absolutely. And you make a good point, different kids at different ages, you're going to tell those family stories differently. You're going to maybe leave out some parts for those younger kids, and then get put those parts in as they get older. And there's always a way to get it in. That's interesting for them, that applies to them where they're at.

Lindsay Miller  15:35  
That is powerful. Say that again, there's always a way. Go ahead. Do you remember what you just said? No, there's always a way to get them interested in the story based on where they're at. It was something like that. Yeah. But I think that's the powerful thing, because like, my background educationally is in child development. And so this idea of developmental stages, and like, you know, doing things in a developmentally appropriate way is really, it rings true to me in so many ways. But like, we don't force them into family history, we invite them just like with so many other things like mindfulness, or other things that we want them to have in their lives, like we don't force feed it, but we like tell us something that's gonna ignite their curiosity and have them asking more, or at least like have them stop and listen for three seconds while we share the little snippet, right? And so we we get creative in our own minds in terms of what will land with them, right?

Heather Murphy  16:29  
Yeah. And like, with my son, we've made it fun. He was five years old, when he would put the family tree that I created on one side of this computer screen and a blank one on the other side, and he would just copy it over. But then it's his family tree, he built it. And so that connected differently, rather than just showing him, well, this is what I did. And then we make games like make, put the picture on one card and make my own little memory game with the name on the other card. And he gets to learn his ancestors faces and their names together. But it's just a game to him. And so those are some of the ways we started early. Right now he's 14, one of the things that he likes to do is index records. So he'll get onto sites where they have digitized images, but they need people to index them. And right now he's working on land records in New York. It's not even a family connection. But it's a way that he wants to be involved. And he gains confidence in being able to read these records with old handwriting, and has a connection to history that he wouldn't have otherwise.

Lindsay Miller  17:41  
That's cool. Yeah, I love that idea of connecting in a way that's meaningful to the child at the stage that they're at. And then, you know, respecting that it's going to look different, and it might not even like you're saying have to do with your family right now. But his engagement with it, like the steady engagement with it is is the powerful thing. Oh, that's awesome. What are some? Are there negative aspects of family history research, like we're talking about all these ways, it's really positive. But sometimes those stories can be challenging to kind of hear or integrate, right?

Heather Murphy  18:14  
Yeah. So you have things like with DNA, a big thing is finding out biological relationships aren't what you thought they were, or finding out that you're one of the podcast guests I interviewed, she found out that her grandfather, which she loved and who helped raised her, was actually a member of the Nazi Party. And so she had to reconcile that. And it does take time when you find these things that don't align with your understanding of an ancestor, especially if you knew them, or you know, people who enslaved others in your family tree. And you just have to give yourself time and acknowledge that it happened. But don't let it define you. Because while our ancestry does come down to us, and we have that DNA, we still have the choice to decide how we're going to live in the future. And we can take those things from the past that lift us up, and that encouraged us, and that are great stories to share, and acknowledge those things that we want to leave behind. Some things that have been left behind, but are still part of our story. Or even sometimes you can see patterns in your family history, that you need to decide whether you're going to continue that pattern, or

Lindsay Miller  19:38  
let go of it. Yeah. Yeah, those are such great considerations. I'm glad you brought them up. One of the things that I think of in terms of like my own family's journey is like when I'm aware of moments that maybe are less than stellar, or tendencies or pattern Sir habits, I like to think that we're all connected. And that like the progress that I make in my life, they'll get credit for just like the progress, you know what I mean, just like that my my life is built on the progress they made, there's like that our growth is cumulative. And so like, the farther I get in terms of becoming like a self actualized, kind and loving human, it, it circles back to them, because it's built, you know, on their experiences. And like, through the generations, we've come to learn certain things or perpetuated certain values, you know, that have led to the life that I've been able to build today. And so the things that are less than stellar, I like to think that because we're all connected, there's a piece, you know, like the pieces of me that kind of sort through some of those things, they trickle back to them.

Heather Murphy  20:50  
And it also helps us to be more compassionate, because we just sometimes have a tendency to be more compassionate with someone we have a connection to. So if we see someone in our family tree, for instance, my husband has an ancestor whose brother was the first one in King County, Seattle, it's just the Seattle area, Washington, to have his children taken away from him, because he was just just decided, the court decided he wasn't able to take care of his children, which he wasn't. But you can look at him and you can say, Okay, what led to where he is right now? Well, he was a son of Irish immigrants during the potato famine, his father died right around the time they left Ireland and went to Canada. He was the oldest son, he went and served in the Civil War, but then was discharged medically after a year. And so you look at the things that happen in somebody's life. And you don't judge them quite as harshly because you see the circumstances in which they lived. And we can use that same compassion that we look at our ancestors and try to get an understanding of their whole life, when we look at other people that we interact with, even sometimes with our own family members, because we don't know their whole story, or people at work or at school, and realize that we don't know everything that happened in their lives, or in the generations before them, that set them up to be who they are today. And we can be more compassionate with them. And less judgmental.

Lindsay Miller  22:29  
Hmm. Yeah, there's so much so much potential in there, like you're saying for widespread compassion. And I love how you pointed out that when we can see the whole story from start to finish, like, instead of just the moments like sometimes the moments are what draws us in. But then when we can capture the whole story and see with more clarity, we understand the human experience with a little bit more depth, right. And we can see, see the ways that some decisions got made or tendencies perpetuated in a way that lets us place that in context, in our current life with people who are maybe struggling with similar tendencies or have navigated similar family trauma or intergenerational patterns. That's a really powerful way to look at compassion. And I, I'm curious, too, we watched in our house, we watched the show relative race, where it's a show if you if IF listeners have it, if listeners haven't seen it, it's where you there are teams and they go through the four teams, right fourteens. And they go through 10 days where they just go back and meet family members. So some of them are adopted, and they you know, don't know their biological family at all, or some were separated, you know, for whatever reason, and some maybe have a variety of branches off of their family tree, and they're not familiar with all of them. And so, at every stop every night, on the 10 days, they meet a new relative, so it's teams of two and then the the team's like, stay with that relative chat with them, visit with them get little snippets of the family history. And a lot of times it's people who, you know, they've never even known this person existed, right? And all of a sudden, they're like welcoming them into their life, like, Hey, I didn't know how to son but I'm so glad you're here, you know, let's meet and get to know each other. Other times, it's not as welcome have a reception, you know, but they find out different things about their past. And I always just like, there's nothing like watching the reactions of people who just like, land in their family, right? Like find a sense of context and place and person, within like the dynamic of family and like that we have the drive to it, right? Like we're all kind of like searching for that whether we're cognizant of it or not, and the fact that when we connect with it, we just feel a profound sense of presence. Regardless of the information we're getting right? It really speaks to the just like the universal experience that we all have. of wanting to connect in that way.

Heather Murphy  25:02  
Yeah, most people when they think about family history or genealogy, they think it is about learning about their ancestors. But in reality, the way I look at it, it's learning about yourself. It's learning about why you have different beliefs or behaviors. Because your ancestors had certain experiences that influenced them. And they pass those down, you know, you get your, most of your beliefs and stuff when you're a child. And you're, you get that from your parents. And they got that from their parents. So these things are being passed down. And through learning your those stories and your family history. And through sharing them with your children and other relatives. You're learning about yourself and having that deeper self identity, and feeling more confident in who you are. And that you're not just an isolated person and an isolated event, that you're much bigger than who you ever thought you were.

Lindsay Miller  26:07  
That's so beautiful. That's so beautiful. And again, I can see how, like you started out with at the beginning of our conversation, that sense of belonging is something that kids, I feel like every person is craving it in our modern world, but I think especially kids like craving that felt sense of belonging to something bigger, bigger than themselves, or that they can kind of lean on and rely on. And I know I've watched kids and my kids in my own work, who have just some, you know, connections to family in different ways, like maybe a family member was an artist, or maybe, you know, and they see that artistic tendency kind of weave through the generations and how just really, like simple tendencies and qualities do provide so much, so much presence within that like circle of belonging, like you're saying, like present awareness about yourself within the circle of, of belonging to the people that you're a part of, yeah, and

Heather Murphy  27:04  
that circle grows, the more you learn about yourself and different experiences, because maybe you didn't connect with, say, immigrants, like we were talking before, but then you learn your family's immigration story. And then you see what it took, and how thankful you are that that family immigrated to have a better life. And so your circle can grow to be more compassionate and understanding and helpful to those people who are trying to do the same thing that your ancestors did.

Lindsay Miller  27:33  
Yeah, totally. It just a different different time in the chain for there's, you know, like immigration happens at different points. You know, people move around or people navigate different circumstances, but like the story of humanity doesn't necessarily change. Like we're all humans. What are some of the ways that these stories and like family history connections, help living family? So there's a mom listening who's wanting to help her kids get along a little bit better? Or, you know, what are some of the ways we can deepen connections with the family that we have right now, by engaging with family history,

Heather Murphy  28:13  
part of that is that reminiscing especially about things that you had as a family and saying, you're remembering a vacation you had a year ago, and talking about it and have everybody share what their memories were, because even though we all experienced the same things, our perspective of those can be different. And recognizing that it's okay for people to have different favorite things about their vacation. Just as we're going to grow up and have different beliefs, we need to be okay with that. It's really great for extended family, for getting your kids to talk to their grandparents, interview them, ask them those stories, it's really easy now to just jump on a video chat, and have just these little conversations that don't have to be a full on interview. But just a grandparent talking to their grandchild is going to be a completely different story than if you sit down with your tape recorder in front of them and have an official interview. Yeah. And then sometimes, these sharing these family stories can can help. When relationships aren't so great. When say you have an adult sibling or you have a teenage child that that aren't connecting with a family. You can use family history as a way to connect with them. Say hey, can you share your perspective on this? Do you know anything about that? Or sharing those stories, even if you don't think they're listening? Because it's still getting in there and you never know when that story is going to come back to their mind when they need it? Yeah. Yeah,

Lindsay Miller  30:07  
well, and there's so much I liked that you pointed that out, like, even if it feels like they're not listening, because there's a lot of research that shows that even in terms of just having a spiritual connection, like connecting to something bigger than yourself that family history is a component of that. And like an important part of helping kids deepen their own spirituality, like seeing people who have lived their lives and entire in their entirety, you know, before them, and then building, building the spirituality like with that awareness in mind. And so I love that you're saying, regardless of the age, you know, keep keep some conversations going. So that it's at least has a presence, like family history has a presence, and it's something your kids have access to. And there will be times when they're more willing and desirous of accessing it than others. But, but, but like having that dialogue going, regardless of like the length or breadth or depth of it, just the continuation is important.

Heather Murphy  31:09  
And realizing that different kids will have different interests. For instance, my brother, he loves the time when the country when the United States was created and learning about that history. And so the ancestors he likes to learn about are the ones that lived during that time and who were experiencing those things. It's finding their interests that they already have. And then seeing how you can incorporate family history in there. If they have a school project where they have to do a report on a certain country. You can say, Oh, well, your ancestors came from these countries. Maybe you would like to choose one of those. And just working it in, in ways where they don't feel like oh, mom's talking to me about family history again.

Lindsay Miller  31:57  
Yeah, yeah. No, I love that. Well, and it reminds me of I project my daughter did. It was two years ago, maybe it was last year. And she was noticed last year because she was talking we were talking about New York, and tenements. She was doing a project on tenements. And so she was like, Mom, we had people who lived in Brooklyn, right? And I was like, Yeah, we did. And so my uncle who specializes in our, like, Hungarian and German family members who emigrated, you know, what she was top of mind were like, well, let's call him and see. So I set up a zoom call, they had a chat, and like I, you know, I recorded it, so that it could just be like, in our, in our, in our family archive, but she was so much more invested in it, because she had a context for it, right. Like she had a place to put the information because she just been learning about tenements and the like clothing factory fire. And so she she was trying to piece together, like who we had were, and like, if they would have known people like this historical fiction, you know, in her book, and would, would this have affected them? Would they have seen the smoke? Would they have seen, you know, just all these different things that she, she wouldn't have been as invested in if she hadn't done that project. And also, though, his willingness to engage with her, you know, he's excited about that all the time. And we'll talk about it, you know, whenever, but he was willing to sit down with her in that moment. Like I said, Hey, she's got this project, you know, and of course, it's like due tomorrow. So she's just curious and wondering, he was like, Yeah, let's hop on a call right now. And not that we have to drop everything. But like, tuning into those moments, and really capitalizing on them is important, right? Because they can be fleeting. And so his willingness to sit down with her for 40 minutes while she was super invested, and now she'll still talk about that, you know, like, oh, yeah, when this happened, or, and I was surprised and grateful. She had even remembered that that was part of our story, you know, but it's, it really is a matter of capitalizing on the moments when they present themselves, right, and not letting them pass without saying like, Yeah, let's talk about this.

Heather Murphy  34:03  
Yeah, because like you said, you had talked to her about that before at some point in time. And she remembered it. So evidence right there that that does pop back up when they need it.

Lindsay Miller  34:14  
Yeah. Yeah. Well, and just the fun. I mean, because we had taken her to Ellis Island when she was I mean, she was teeny tiny. And so she's only seen pictures, because she doesn't really remember that. But even that, like great, you know, visiting grave sites, I think that keeping people alive in some way, you know, like you're saying, in whatever moments we can, keeping these stories flowing through our lives is key because like you're saying, they'll come back up when, when needed or you know, in a moment when they could be useful.

Heather Murphy  34:48  
And then that's another way where it expands. Not only is she have her family experience, but now she's connected to another place and another time, which gives her even more grounding. In her sense of place,

Lindsay Miller  35:01  
I love that. Yeah. Okay, so we've talked through the benefits in, like a social and emotional and spiritual way. What about like the practical aspects of this, you talked a little bit about indexing, talk to us about. So there's someone listening that I guess I'm on board, I can see how this would benefit my family, we're feeling like we're feeling kind of adrift, right now. And I feel like a sense of grounding would really help us, I have no idea where to start. You're saying start with your own family, kind of start collecting stories of the people who are close to you, extended family when accessible, and what if people want or need resources beyond that, where what are some easy ways and family friendly ways for them to, like, bring family history into into their life, like apps or programs are

Heather Murphy  35:51  
two of the biggest family history websites are ancestry.com and familysearch.org. And ancestry is a paid site, but you can sign up for free and start building your family tree. And there's certain data collections that are accessible. So like census records for United States are one of the best and easiest records to use. The 1940 is for free on ancestry.com. If you go to familysearch.org, they have all of the censuses every 10 years back to 1790. They're indexed, they're really easy to go and find your family. So go find your grandparent or your great grandparent in the 1940 census, it tells you where they lived, how old they were, whether or not they had a radio, different years have different things that bring up did they live in that same house five years ago. And so you have these records that you can get that each record tells its own story, and gives a little especially those censuses, they give a little snapshot into that family's life? Who was living with them at a time did they have their grandma living with them because she was older and needed more help? Were their cousins living next door to them. And just being able to get a little bit more story of these different families in our in our heritage, what was their life like? And those census records are really accessible and really fun to use.

Lindsay Miller  37:25  
So they would just go on an app or a website as a kid, I'm going on the app. So like familysearch.org? Does it have any ads? Like is it something parents need to be like monitoring or kids can just go on and like it's a safe space for them to explore family history, kind of like as they want?

Heather Murphy  37:42  
Yeah, there's no ads, no, anything. If you want to build a family tree, FamilySearch has a family tree, but it's like a one big family tree. So I wouldn't really recommend people starting putting their family tree onto that because everybody else can see it. And as a kid, that's not the best place to start. But on ancestry.com, you can start you can make a tree for each kid could have their own tree, and they could put information in as they find it. And you don't have you can make it private so that nobody else can see it. They can put on their cousins, and just make it fun for them. But yeah, both of those sites ancestries has free and paid and FamilySearch is completely free.

Lindsay Miller  38:32  
And then you're saying ancestry has maybe some different, like parental controls or ways to kind of keep privacy for kids? Is that what I'm hearing you say?

Heather Murphy  38:39  
Um, yeah, for each family tree, you can go in and make a private.

Lindsay Miller  38:43  
Cool. So going in looking at census records, accessing family stories, telling family stories, typing up stories you hear, I mean, I like to use otter.ai, which is like a transcription website where I'll transcribe stuff. So just having a conversation and recording it, or having a zoom call and recording it, and then going in and having the ability to just like edit it real quick in order. It can be fun. And I think for kids to like gifts, do you feel like kids can I think one way they can engage with it is by giving it as a gift. So finding a story they want to tell and then sharing it with cousins for a gift or with grandparents for a gift or giving them like another reason other than like, I think this would be a fun thing for you, you know, a motivation or an end result and product that they could then give or proudly display.

Heather Murphy  39:39  
Yeah. And that's great, especially with those grandparents stories that other cousins might not have, and they'll be excited to get the stories to see it. Yeah, and then the kids will be excited that their cousins were excited with.

Lindsay Miller  39:53  
Yeah, just like building the connection. Yeah. And then are there any other ways like as people get started or In terms of involving kids that come to mind,

Heather Murphy  40:02  
making it sound like we have Christmas tree ornaments that have the ancestors picture on one side and their name on the other, or back to that memory game, another version that we did is we have the ancestors name and picture on one side. And then we have a fact about them on the other. So like, they served in the Korean War, or they loved planting day lilies, just these little kind of interesting things about them, that that way they can connect with them as well.

Lindsay Miller  40:32  
I love that like personality traits or historical moments so that when you go to the Korean War Memorial or something, you're like, oh, actually had people you know, that served in this war or when you're in a, you know, a different place in the in the country or in the world. You're like, oh, I had people who visited here, or were living here for a while. Yeah. I love that. Well, Heather, thank you so much. This has been fantastic. Before we close, can I ask you three questions that I asked podcast guests? Absolutely. Okay, what is your favorite food?

Heather Murphy  41:02  
Okay, this is kind of different, probably not on most people's list, but I love being in ham soup. There's just something about it that is so comforting. And the spices are just really simple. And it just relaxes me actually, it just makes me feel comfortable.

Lindsay Miller  41:22  
Cool. And what is your favorite way to relax.

Heather Murphy  41:28  
Um, one of the ways when I get really stressed out about things, and I just need to go inside myself, is I just lay on my bed, I have like a heat pack on my chest, I have an eye mask over my eyes so that it's nice and dark. I said headphones on so that I can't hear anything. Except music I'm playing. And I just be with myself without any external stimulation. And just be me.

Lindsay Miller  41:56  
I love that. And then a funny childhood memory or story.

Heather Murphy  42:01  
Okay, when I was a senior in high school, I was in our top choir. And we had a fundraiser where all the members of the choir would sing a solo. And so I got together with some of my friends, and downloaded the sheet music off of the internet. And we did walking on sunshine. And we got up there on the stage. And we started. But everybody was completely off like tar and everything. It was so bad. The choir director came up and stopped us and how to start over. But the second time was not any better. It was still a complete mess. But for some reason, it didn't embarrass me at all. Because I knew it wasn't me. And I knew that the problem was whenever we had rehearsed, we were in a circle. So we could hear each other really well. But we were on the stage, the setup was in a line, and we couldn't hear each other at all. And so yes, it was a complete train wreck. And everybody felt so horribly about it. But it's just a funny memory for me.

Lindsay Miller  43:19  
It's great. I love the bravery that you've got up there and you're like, well, we'll try again. And then you're like, Well, I'm just gonna soldier on because it's not gonna get any better. And we're just gonna finish it.

Heather Murphy  43:28  
It was pretty bad. Like, I finished the lyrics. Everybody else was still playing. Eventually, they figured out that I had stopped and they stopped.

Lindsay Miller  43:37  
They're like, we're done. That's funny. Well, this isn't such a great conversation. I know. I felt, yeah, so many insights around this practice. And like the idea of just connecting with the moments that our people have had, and then finding ways to draw those moments into our lives today and how that can be so enriching. So thank you for all the wisdom and ideas that you shared. I'm just really grateful.

Heather Murphy  44:04  
Well, thank you, Lindsay. It's been great to be here with you.

Lindsay Miller  44:07  
Before we go, can you tell people where they can find you? So they want to learn more about working with you about how to you know family history? I know you have resources on your site. Help them know where to go?

Heather Murphy  44:18  
Yeah, my site is Heather See murphy.com And then you can also find me on social media Instagram, LinkedIn, Facebook at Ms. Heather Murphy.

Lindsay Miller  44:30  
Awesome. Thank you again, Heather. Thanks, Lindsay. Until next time, thank you for listening. I hope you enjoyed this one. What was your favorite takeaway from her ideas? I think mine was the recognition that sometimes we tell the stories again and again and again and like they'll kind of land when the child is ready for them. Or as we tell different stories, different stories might land you know, in different ways, and how like eye rolling at one point It doesn't necessarily mean that we should never tell another family history story, it just means maybe it didn't land right then. But I'd love to hear what you took away from this episode. And I hope it gave you some ideas on how to you know, just use some simple stories, simple activities to bring family history into the spotlight. And before I go, I just wanted to say a quick thank you to those of you who have left reviews this week. I really, really appreciate it. It helps other people find the podcast and it also is fun to hear what you like about it. You know what resonates with you. I always love finding guests that work for you. So if you have suggestions or requests, please don't hesitate to reach out. Until next time!

You've just finished an episode of The Stress Nanny podcast. So hopefully you feel a little more empowered when it comes to dealing with stress. Feel free to take a deep breath and let it out slowly as you go back to your day. I'm so glad you're here. If you're a longtime listener, thank you so much for your support. It really means the world to me. If you're new, I'd love to have you follow the podcast and join me each week. And no matter how long you've been listening, please share this episode with someone who is stressed out. If you enjoyed the show, would you please do me a favor and go to ratethispodcast.com/thestressnanny and leave a review. The link is in the show notes. I'm so grateful for all my listeners. Thank you again for being here. Until next time!

Transcribed by https://otter.ai