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Welcome to the Stress Nanny, the podcast where we take the overwhelm out of parenting and help kids and parents build calm, confidence, and connection.
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I'm your host, Lindsay Miller, Kids Mindfulness Coach and Cheerleader for busy families everywhere.
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Each week we'll explore simple tools, uplifting stories, and practical strategies to help your child learn emotional regulation, resilience, and self-confidence, while giving you a little more peace of mind too.
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I'm so glad you're here.
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My guest today is Corey Whitlin.
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Holding a BA in cognitive science from Occidental College and a master's in education and literacy from the University of San Diego, Corey combines neuroscience, learning, and behavior expertise with a deep understanding of the lived ADHD experience.
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As a certified mindfulness facilitator and certified ADHD coach, Corey integrates mindfulness-based strategies to support resilience, self-compassion, and executive function growth.
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A sought-after speaker, Corey presents on topics including ADHD and executive function, self-compassion, rejection-sensitive dysphoria, and goal setting tailored for individuals with ADHD.
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Through a strengths-based and compassionate approach, Corey empowers individuals to navigate challenges, embrace their unique brains, and build systems for success.
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Corey lives in San Diego with a husband, three children, and two rescue dogs, embracing the beautifully chaotic journey of neurodiverse living.
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Corey, thanks so much for joining me today.
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Thank you, Lindsay.
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I'm really excited to be here.
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I'm really excited to chat with you.
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Yeah, as am I.
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As soon as I saw Corey's message, I was excited for this conversation.
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And then the more I learned about her work, I just got more excited.
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So we're all in for a treat today.
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And as you can see, just from her bio, there are a million things about her that I am an advocate for as well.
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And I think that the tips that she's going to be able to share with us are going to have a big impact.
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So I'm excited to dive in.
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Thank you.
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Me too.
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Before we get started on kind of the nitty-gritty and the practical tips, can you give us a sense of your journey to this coaching field and the way that you saw the gap in the market and how you wanted to fill it?
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Yes.
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So I was a classroom educator for a long time.
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And in that space, I did special ed education and general ed education.
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My sweet spot were kiddos that were neurodiverse.
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So whether it was ASD or ADHD, whether it was in special ed or general ed, those were the kiddos that I tended to get and I really connected well with.
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And I also am neurodiverse myself.
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I'm raising three neurodiverse kids.
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So I was kind of always in the world.
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Even when I was in college, my job was to work for a school that was specifically for neurodiverse children.
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And so it was always part of my life.
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And then as I really got into it with families and supporting my children in my classroom.
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And then when I got out of the classroom and I was doing more admin and coaching, I just really saw that there's a lack of education for a lot of folks.
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So a lot of folks that really were craving the understanding of okay, what I have this diagnosis or I don't have this diagnosis, but I have all these things going on, or my child does.
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What does that mean?
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And then how do I help?
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And then I also saw there were a lot of like get ADHD fixed quicks.
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There's a lot of books and a lot of apps.
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And what I saw is that these generalized systems and routines for folks weren't working because every brain is so different.
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That's why it's called neurodiversity, right?
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And so people were feeling a lot of shame and carrying all of the shame and all of this frustration because they feel like, oh, I've just tried it all and it doesn't work.
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And then seeing my own three kids and how each one, if anybody has multiple children, you understand this, each one needed a completely different set of skills, completely different set of parenting, even though they have the same exact diagnosis.
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And so that led me to really seeking my certification in ADHD coaching and thinking, wow, I know a lot about education.
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I know a lot about mindfulness because I'd been a mindfulness facilitator for about eight years at that point.
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And I really want to be able to plug in that support for folks that just feel like they're floundering and they just really want tangible, real tools for themselves.
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Yeah.
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Oh, I love all of that.
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I think especially poignant to me is the fact that this is the water you're swimming in all the time, right?
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And, you know, I think it speaks to your mindfulness and it speaks to the strategies that you use that you have the capacity to share, right?
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That you have the experience and you can then translate that you're keeping yourself in a place of steadiness, such that you can then offer, you know, outside of you.
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And so I love that you can blend that chaos that is living with a family, and you know, the mindful, just like strengths-based approach that is looking at each in unique individual and being like, they're a strategy screw.
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We just need to figure out what they are.
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Exactly.
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And that's the best part of my job is, and I always tell folks, I've never had two clients that have the same set of tools.
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And and it's so cool because having ADHD myself, it's a lot of novelty.
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So it's really fun.
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And also just watching people really think outside of the box and creating a strategy or routine that is totally different than what the world has told them.
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And then it clicks for them.
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And just, you know, interrupting that failure feedback loop and all of the sudden creating this new story where, oh wow, I can't be organized or I can't get places on time, or I can't concentrate.
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And so that's, you know, if someone is out there thinking, wow, no, I really have tried it all, it's really finding that spark for you and what fits for you.
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It's like putting on like a warm jacket that that fits just perfectly.
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Yeah.
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I love that phrase, how did you say it?
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That failure feedback disruption.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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That's such a powerful phrase.
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I we share a similarity in that I did my internship in a junior high classroom.
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And so I was in the thick of these kids, it was a resource classroom.
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And so my kiddos would come in, same, you know, same story where they had these neurodiverse tendencies.
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And then it was just such a beautiful moment.
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Like you said, when they found that coat, when they realized there were tools and strategies that helped them feel competent for maybe the first time ever.
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Yeah.
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And you just watch this transformation happen.
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I still keep a note from one of those kiddos like in my binder, just because I love the transformation she described in the note.
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I'm like this little middle school or junior high kid who finally realized, like, wait, I can totally do stuff.
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Like, you know, and it's so yeah, that moment you can't beat it with kids, right?
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Yes, that is the most amazing.
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I love that you still have that note.
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That's so awesome.
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Well, okay, let's get into it because you have so many practical things to share.
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Let's start with home moments that are easily relatable.
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And one of the things you specialize in is like how to facilitate these types of tools and conversations in the middle of the homework meltdown, right?
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In the middle of crazy sibling argument.
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So talk to me about some of the ways that you approach those situations.
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Yes.
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Well, I always triage with my clients, whether they're eight or 70.
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My oldest client right now is 70, and my youngest client right now is eight.
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So it really is you've got the range.
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Yeah.
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So the triaging of building emotional regulation and response skills.
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So we know that ADHD and many other types of neurodiversity are an emotional regulation challenge as much as an intentional challenge or a processing challenge.
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And I think that component is often really ignored because we're so rightly so, way our world is set up.
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We're so worried about the productivity and the motivation and the time management.
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Yeah.
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And what happens is our brains and our bodies are just in this fight, flight or freeze, right?
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We're just surviving.
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And so we see homework.
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And I say we, because I'm in, I'm in this, all right?
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We see homework, and all of a sudden our brain is like, oh my gosh, we're being attacked by a bear.
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And we don't have the strategies because we don't have the natural way to regulate that.
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That prefrontal cortex isn't very strong, right?
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Yeah.
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So all of a sudden we're being attacked by a bear, we're overwhelmed, or we're angry, or we're scared, we're fleeing, right?
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Just last night, my 16-year-old was being attacked by a bear during her English homework and started making pumpkin muffins at 10 a.m.
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or 10 p.m., right?
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And I feel like that was her fleeing.
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Yeah.
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So the very first thing in any home is creating a way for you to pause and take care of yourself.
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And we don't do that naturally.
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Most littles don't do that naturally anyway, right?
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Because their brain's totally under construction.
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But a lot of times, adults in those homes often are neurodiverse themselves, whether they've been diagnosed or not.
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So they don't have the tools.
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So working on figuring out what that means for you.
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And it might mean stopping and taking deep breaths, but that might not be helpful.
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It might be literally going and getting an ice cube out of the freeze and holding an ice cube.
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It might be getting outside and feeling the sun on your face.
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It might be listening to your favorite song and dancing it out.
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But the key is figuring out how to pause.
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So I always recommend everyone in the household has a physical pause button.
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And for some kids, it's literally like, okay, pause.
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For me, I put two hands on my chest and I take a really deep breath and that's the signal to my body.
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Okay, pause.
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And then we use a fast-forward remote.
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So then we fast forward.
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Right.
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If I continue, so I'm going to say from a parent point of view, if I continue to sit here with my child totally dysregulated, saying, we just have to do the homework.
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It should only take five minutes.
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What's what are the consequences of that?
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Good, bad, or neutral.
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Okay, what if I pause and I say, let's go on a walk and we'll do the homework later?
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What are the consequences?
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Good, bad, or neutral.
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And then I can proceed.
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But if we don't practice that pause button first, and just practicing that pause button, not even thinking forward, not even taking care of yourself, just that pause button, then all the rest of the tools kind of fall out of place.
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Yeah.
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I love that.
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The idea of like, you know, a pause and a fast forward.
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And it's powerful too, right?
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Because when you can initiate the pause or just even recognize the moments that need it, right?
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That's the biggest part, like you're saying.
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It's the part that makes everything else possible, but it's also the part that redirects us, right?
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It gives us that inflection point where it can go a different way than where it's already headed, which, like you mentioned, is often not somewhere super supportive or skillful, right?
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Yeah, yeah.
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And then usually the sensitivity pops in then later, and we don't feel good at all about it.
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We want to do it differently.
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And the challenge with ADHD brains is we don't learn from natural consequences.
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We don't make those connections in our brain.
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So then the next day, homework will look the same.
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And then that night we'll go to bed feeling like, why did I do that again?
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Why?
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And so it's that interrupting, right?
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That pause and breathing or walking away or putting water on your face or jumping up and down.
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If you need to move your body or shaking it out, or whatever works for you to take that pause and just recenter, even if it's one second.
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Yeah.
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Right.
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And then one second leads to two seconds, and then two seconds leads to five seconds.
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And it's such a gift we can give our kids, especially our neurodiverse kids, because they're they have on and off switches.
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Right.
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It's trigger response, trigger reaction.
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And so creating just even that five seconds the space with them can be such a huge wave to help them move forward.
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Yeah.
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Well, and I love the the reflection around the pause being a physical, you know, instead of just like a mental or an emotional, having it be some something tactile where it's like you and your body connect.
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If for listeners, she like had put her hand on her forehead or she mentioned put two hands over her heart.
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And so as we find those, I think it can also be like a visual cue, right?
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For for each other.
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Like I have breathing cues, I've mentioned before, where my daughter, she'll hear me breathe a certain way and she'll be like, Hey, what's going on?
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You okay?
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And like, yeah, I'm okay.
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But yeah.
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And she'll be like, What's up?
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But I think we can use nonverbal signals in some of those moments, right?
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Where sometimes the adding any more words to the fire makes it just kind of like explode.
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But when we have a visual, or we can point to the ice tray in the fridge or like the ice, you know, dispenser, whatever, we can use those in a way that diffuses more than it escalates.
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Yeah, such an important point.
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I was just talking to a client about this this morning.
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We have to get it out of our heads and our bodies.
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We don't do very well if we keep it.
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We don't do very well if we keep lists in our head.
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We don't have great working memory.
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So getting it out and making it physical and visual, whether it's time, organization, or emotional regulation is a key to move forward.
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Yeah.
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No, it's such a great point.
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What do you do like to support kids in building those skills outside of themselves?
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So, say like organization or, you know, the executive function pieces where it's maybe not in the middle of a meltdown, but it's just the regular skill set that over time starts to really create a bit of a drag in terms of whether it's the feedback loop, right?
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Like the failure feedback loop you mentioned, or it's just like the morning routine is constantly out of whack because this shoe is missing for the fifth day in a row.
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You know, like every day is the same shoe or whatever.
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How do you build those in in advance?
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Yes.
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So I can, I'm gonna use an example of a kid I'm working with right now.
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She's 11, and we're working on, we did just last week work on a morning routine.
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Yeah.
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And the challenge was mom was her executive functioning in the morning.
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Mom picked her clothes, mom turned off the TV, mom and very understandably, because that was the only way they would get out of the house.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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And it was very agreeable, which kind of waiting around for mom to do it.
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And so we talked about building that independence, not just because it's important for the morning, but how that is going to help make those neurological connections for her in all areas of her life.
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Right.
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I always tell parents, let your kiddo carry their backpack.
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I know that doesn't sound like a big deal, but it's it's that step of like, you've got this, right?
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And so part of the issue was there were too many decisions in the morning.
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There weren't, there wasn't a visual.
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She knew what she needed to do in the morning, but when she woke up, it just all felt like too much.
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And so they had tried big long checklists before, but that was too much, right?
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She got through two, and then her brain was like, Yeah, done.
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And so instead of checklists, what we did is we just created a bunch of little sticky notes that, you know, and she created a bunch for like a couple weeks that had just two things at a time.
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They put them in the areas.
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So when she was done with that, she just pulled it off.
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And then there were the sticky notes.
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So and bright colored sticky notes.
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So they were in the areas.
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We also built in when she was more regulated, like in the evening, she has a really good evening routine.
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Okay, she's gonna pick out her clothes, but she watches TV in the morning.
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So she doesn't want to go all the way to her room.
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So she's gonna pick out clothes and she's gonna leave them in the living room and she's gonna get dressed in the living room.
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And then funny, you brought up shoes, and her mom's like, Oh, but shoes.
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And so I said, Well, where can the shoes be?
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Because they're usually, you know, in the mud room and she's trying to Yeah.
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Well, I guess we can put them with the clothes.
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Yeah.
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So now the shoes go in at night with the clothes, right?
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So it's those simple things that I think a neurotypical brain or a neurotypical parent would say, like, well, no, the shoes go in the mud room.
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She can just grab them on the way out.
00:17:08.640 --> 00:17:10.480
But for her brain, that was just a step.
00:17:10.559 --> 00:17:11.839
That was just too much.
00:17:12.079 --> 00:17:14.400
So we eliminated a lot of the friction.
00:17:14.640 --> 00:17:16.960
We created visuals ahead of time.
00:17:17.440 --> 00:17:19.519
And she's using timers.
00:17:19.599 --> 00:17:27.119
So they're using Alexa, and it's just built-in Alexa timers that at this time it goes off, at this time it goes off, and at this time it goes off.
00:17:27.279 --> 00:17:31.039
So it goes off the first time and she knows that she should have her clothes on.
00:17:31.279 --> 00:17:33.759
Goes off the second time, she knows breakfast should be done.
