Ep 198: From Big Feelings To Brave Hearts - Tools For Parents And Kids

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Welcome to the Stress Nanny, the podcast where we take the overwhelm out of parenting and help kids and parents build calm, confidence, and connection.

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I'm your host, Lindsay Miller, kids' mindfulness coach and cheerleader for busy families everywhere.

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Each week we'll explore simple tools, uplifting stories, and practical strategies to help your child learn emotional regulation, resilience, and self-confidence, while giving you a little more peace of mind too.

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I'm so glad you're here.

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My guest today is Jacintha Field.

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Jacintha is a family and child counselor, art therapist, and founder of Happy Souls Kids, a global mental health platform helping children aged 5 to 12 regulate big feelings through storytelling, gamified tools, and the voices of athletes and role models they admire.

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I am so excited for our conversation today.

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Jacintha, thank you so much for joining me.

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Thanks so much for having me, Lindsay.

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Now, my name is a tongue twister.

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It's like Jacinta and Samantha put together.

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And so people just get a bit confused.

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So please call me Jay.

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It's just so much less of a tongue twister for everybody around here.

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So I'm just a letter now, just Jay.

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Just call me Jay.

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Everyone calls me Jay.

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So please.

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Okay, we'll do.

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I was so excited for this episode.

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We were talking off-air just a minute ago, and Jay and I have such a similar passion for teaching kids these tools that are essential for the rest of their lives.

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Jay, can you help us just get a glimpse into why you do what you do?

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It's a big story here, Lindsay.

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I tend to talk a lot, so we're here for it.

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You know what?

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When I was a little girl, I was always that happy little girl.

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I remember myself when I've done so much inner work of a girl in a little yellow dress, smiling and really happy.

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And I just got shut down a lot by lots of people around me.

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And it really shunned my spirit.

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And I remember going to sugar, and so I would go to sugar to mask my emotions.

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It was my dad was very eat concrete, harden up, you'll be right, get over it.

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It was that mentality of don't feel into your emotions, just move it, like don't worry about them.

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And it never really sat right with me.

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And so I knew from a very early age that I thought very differently to other people and I had a very different opinion to other people, but I was always told that I was wrong.

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And something happened with me where it was just I just I didn't feel seen, heard, valued at all as a child.

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And so as time went on, that sugar addiction then turned into alcohol and I started partying and I was in a domestically violent relationship for 15 years of my life because I was just chasing love and I thought that that's what love was.

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And then I finally got the strength within me to leave that relationship, and then I was single for seven years, and then I entered a new relationship, and it was so much better, but it was still really unaligned, you know.

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And we had a child within the first couple of years, and I just loved being a mum, Lindsay.

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Like as soon as I had a child, I was like, this is the best, this is amazing, I'm having the time of my life.

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And I just knew I didn't want my child to grow up the way that I did.

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I wanted a new way.

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So I would read Dr.

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Shafali's Conscious Uncoupling books, I would read lots of different books.

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I mean, I've been on a journey for 20 years, Lindsay, and I'm skipping through many parts here.

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But I will go back to one.

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About 20 years ago, I used to party a lot, and I just knew something inside me.

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I was like, I'm having fun, I love people, I love socializing, but this this just isn't sitting right with me.

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And so I went and saw a meditation teacher and she got me to draw, and she got me to draw and draw and draw because I wasn't able to talk about my feelings back then, like feelings, like you're not supposed to talk about them.

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You're supposed to eat concrete, you're supposed to harden up, and you know, they're supposed to go into your body and they're not supposed to come out.

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And so through that, I really just started using art to start expressing myself.

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And it was really beautiful, you know, it was a really beautiful time in my life because I was expressing myself and then I'd go out partying, then I'd feel guilty, then I have shame.

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And, you know, it was this really confusing time for me.

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And so then, fast forward to we separated, my son started school and it was COVID all at the same time.

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So it was such a big time in 2019, 2020 for me, where that in itself, with everything else I'd been through in my life, it was like, whoa, you know, everything hit me at once.

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And it was my son was not okay, he was throwing bins around the house, he was running up the street, he was jumping out of the car, and I was just like, this is so well beyond anything I could support at the time.

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And I didn't really have any help.

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It was COVID.

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My parents, even though they lived five minutes away, were in their house, my ex-partner wasn't really there.

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You know, it was just like it was all on me as a mum to be able to support and help this child, as well as fixing myself, which was completely and utterly broken.

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And although I'd done meditation and breath work and all of those things for such a long time, when it comes to children, that it's not their language.

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You know, we would watch Cosmic Kids and we'd do all of those things.

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But when I said to him, How are you feeling?

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he'd be like, Well, I don't know.

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I'm five years old.

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I don't know how I'm feeling.

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Like, it is a feeling, you know?

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And so I started breaking it down for him.

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And I'm a researcher.

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If there's a problem, I'll find a solution.

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So I started drawing circles on a piece of paper, and I said, Could you put the face in how you're feeling?

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Because children understand drawing, but not necessarily words.

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So I would say, Hey, could you just put the face in how you're feeling?

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And so he'd often put sad, angry, disappointed, and then we'd name the emotion.

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And I'd say, Can you tell me why you're feeling sad?

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I'm feeling sad because you and Daddy aren't together, and you know, it's making me feel sad and you know, obviously angry.

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I'm angry because I can't play Nintendo, you know, like little things like that, that he started breaking them down.

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And I just saw how great that was at being able to respond to my own child and helping him break it down.

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Like we've always had books.

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I've got them here.

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I've always read kind of emotion books to him, but reading a book and feeling a feeling is very, very different.

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We just expect children to know what they are, but they're not actually taught.

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I think that's the part that we're missing with kids is that we expect them to know what emotion is, we expect them to be in tune with their body, but we're not teaching them exactly what they are.

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So I saw during COVID that kids couldn't gain access to psychologists.

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There was a six to 12 month wait, which unfortunately Lindsay still exists today.

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And it just broke me as a human.

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Like I've always been very well connected to children and animals.

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You know, it's my thing.

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I love them.

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I love every part of them.

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I see them for exactly who they are.

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And so I studied to become a family and child counsellor, art therapist.

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I've studied plague therapy and I'm a kids yoga teacher.

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So I just knew everything that I was doing with my own child would really be able to help so many other parents and children around their parents to be able to show up for their kids in a different way and for kids to be able to really just understand themselves and help themselves.

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And so we moved to the Surf Coast, which is in Victoria, which is where Kelly Slater goes surfing for the WSL and Bell's Beach and all those cool things.

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And I had a private practice there.

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And all the work I'd done over 20 years, because it was really 20 years of healing for me, I implemented that into a practice with children and families to be able to help them really connect to each other, which I think is the missing part, as I'm sure you understand, Lindsay.

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That's the missing part for us, is the connection that we have to our kids.

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And so I really helped them with connection.

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And I realized that children just need that love and support and to be seen and heard and valued for who they are.

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And that's been my path ever since.

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And now we're building a gamified app.

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I was in practice with one of the kids one day and I said, Hey, do you want to do some meditation?

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He just rolls his eyes at me like, whatever, lady.

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And I said, you know, LeBron James meditates, and instantaneously he wanted to straight away.

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So that's been the birth of Happy Souls Kids, going from a practice to now an online space, which, you know, was so hard for me, Lindsay.

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It's like I broke up with children when we moved, and it would just, oh, it's so hard.

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I just loved them so much and I loved the families, and that was a really hard choice for me.

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But years later, we're starting to get there now.

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We interviewed Teddy Swims last week, you know, a couple of other people and some really great athletes, Australian athletes at the moment with the expansion coming soon.

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So yeah, it's been quite the journey, Lindsay.

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But it's really interesting that my journey started with emotions of drawing, and then I became an art therapist.

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So that transition for me when I look at it, and it wasn't planned, I didn't even realize at the time.

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I actually saw a psychic at one point and she said to me, You're gonna go do therapy with art with kids.

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And I never even realized that she told me this.

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And then three years later, I was like, oh wow, like, look at all those dots that have been connected, and it was a subconscious thing.

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I wasn't even aware of it.

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And I've tried many things in my life, and that's the one thing that's worked.

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So it's just it's just been quite a journey, Lindsay.

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I think that we've just through the separation process for me, which was extremely brutal, I've really learned to trust my intuition and I've really learned to trust my path.

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And that's now what I teach kids to do is that little voice inside you.

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Just trust it and trust yourself because no matter what people are saying outside of you, you know where you need to go.

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Yes, what a beautiful story.

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And just the like you said, incredible synchronicities of it, and then also the thread of intuition that carried you through those challenging moments where it would have been easy to get sidetracked or you know, just derail totally, but you kept that trust in yourself and in your own resilience.

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And so I love the depth with which you can share that now with us and with children with other people.

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Yeah, I mean, I I just have had so many different traumas in my life, and I don't want kids to have to go through that.

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And if I can be a small part of their journey to give them the tools and the experience to be able to show up for different things in the right way, you know, that that's my purpose.

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And I don't always get it right.

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I absolutely don't.

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I make mistakes constantly, I say stupid things, I take the wrong path, but I think that that's all in the experience and the learning.

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Yeah, and the thing that I know you practice and that I work to practice with the kids in my community also is that idea of self-compassion, right?

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So in those moments where you do take a turn that's not in your best interest, or where there is a decision or a word that's not skillful that it's offered up, that we don't beat ourselves up, or we don't just like expend a bunch of energy on the mistake as much as we use the mistake as an invitation to grow, right?

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And to navigate forward with a bit more intention.

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Yes.

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My mom used to say that to me, you are so hard on yourself.

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And I think that comes from my family being hard on me, that I was hard on myself.

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And, you know, it's hard.

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I was just in Sydney for a big function and we were so busy, Lindsay.

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It was amazing.

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I had the best time.

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I'm such a networker.

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You put me that in spot.

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I love it.

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Like I love people, I love humans, I love networking.

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And I had ice cream and I've got a lactose intolerance.

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Like I'm a little bit lactose intolerant, even though I really like ice cream.

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And so I got really grumpy after then, and then I even said something to a friend that was just not great.

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Like it was not great.

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And I straight away picked it up and I said, Oh, I'm so sorry.

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I just, I shouldn't have said that.

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That came out of my mouth.

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Can I take that back?

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Like we do an UNA reverse with the kids.

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I just want to take that back.

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Redeo.

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That's what we call it.

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Even even as adults, even as adults, we still make mistakes.

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And I remember speaking to lots of people, it's like, well, they should know better.

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And it's like, no, we're still learning.

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We're still gonna have moments of dysregulation, no matter what age we are.

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And it's that compassion that comes with it.

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Like, we need to have compassion for people.

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The part that I find hard, Lindsay, is I have compassion for other people, but they don't have it for me.

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They're like, well, you're a counselor and you should know better.

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And it's like, no, no, I'm a human being.

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I have just as much stuff as you do.

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I just deal with it in my own way.

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My way is to isolate and just move away from the world until I've dealt with my stuff.

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And then when I'm ready, I'll come back in.

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And that's my path and that's how I deal with things.

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And you might not like it, but that's how I need to be able to process that.

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And I need people surrounding me that that can understand that.

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You know, it's it's important that we do surround ourselves with people that help us feel safe.

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And that's what I teach children.

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I'm sure you've done a friendship circle before with kids where we do different layers of friendships, which friendships belink belong in which way.

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And I think it's a great thing to do for parents and humans as well as kids to help people understand that you know what, somebody that was maybe in your inner circle is not necessarily in your inner circle anymore.

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They're in a different layer of friendship.

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And it's like waves of the ocean.

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People come and go, and that's okay.

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Whereas the old me was like, what do you mean?

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I'm not friends with them, and what?

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I don't understand what I did, and oh my god, I need to go do another course because I'm broken.

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And I've learned over time to have that self-compassion of you just talked about to go, okay, that wave's not with me anymore, and that's okay.

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Yeah, that's so insightful.

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One of the things that I think is so poignant about the work, and I imagine you can relate to this, is that it like you mentioned earlier, we don't come with emotional regulation skills.

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We have to learn them.

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And so frequently in families that I work with, the parents have either learned some on their own and just need another voice to help support the child in the learning, or they recognize that they don't have the skills and that they would like a guide also.

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And so then it's almost like, you know, you're teaching the parent and the child simultaneously because so many of us didn't have this type of education when we were younger.

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And so these aren't skills that we, you know, naturally know how to teach or have a lot of experience with.

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So you and I both work with kids ages five to twelve.

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I go up to 18-year-olds, but I love, love, love that range where we start so young and we give them the skills so that they can just carry them through the rest of their lives, right?

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It's not like when they're teenagers, we're like, oh my gosh, we gotta figure out how to manage these big emotions.

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We're like, oh no, no, we've been doing that for a decade already, right?

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Like we're ready, we're here, we have what we need.

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Talk to me about some of the ways that you just kind of naturally incorporate that learning into family life.

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I'm really authentic, and this is something that I've had to learn for myself.

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I've had to learn to be authentic with how I'm feeling.

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So in a moment, if something will come up, I will say to my son, oh, that made me feel really sad, or that made me feel really disappointed.

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Or if he says, Oh, how was your day?

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I won't say, Hey, it was great.

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I'm not gonna put that shield on me like I have in the past.

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It's you know what, I had it, I had a really hard day today.

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Like something didn't work out for me and it made me feel a bit disappointed.

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But I went for a walk and that helped me really clear my mind.

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And then I screamed in the pillow because I got a little bit angry, and you know, that was my day.

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And so by me being authentic, it really helps him show up in his authentic way too.

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So he knows he can say, Oh, actually, somebody wasn't nice to me at school today.

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And they left me out of a group and it didn't make me feel good.

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So I've mirrored that behavior to him over time.

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And only a little while ago, I was going through some big stuff, like big, big, big stuff.

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And I went to the park and I was with my dog and my child, and it was dark, and I just could not stop crying.

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I was just letting those tears flow well.

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That's what my body needed, and I I respected that and I acknowledged that.

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And my son just gone, that's okay, mommy.

00:16:24.000 --> 00:16:24.960
You let your tears flow.

00:16:25.120 --> 00:16:26.000
It's okay, mommy.

00:16:26.240 --> 00:16:27.360
What do you need in that moment?

00:16:27.519 --> 00:16:28.720
Do you need a dog cookie?

00:16:28.799 --> 00:16:30.240
Do you need a do you need a pat?

00:16:30.399 --> 00:16:32.399
Do you need all of these beautiful things?

00:16:32.559 --> 00:16:35.600
And I have mirrored that to my child over time.

00:16:36.240 --> 00:16:42.240
And I think in an everyday life, that's the part that we miss is that, because that builds connection.

00:16:42.320 --> 00:16:47.279
I've grown up with Brene Brown, you know, connection growth and belonging and vulnerability and shame.

00:16:47.440 --> 00:16:50.399
And so I am very vulnerable and I am very raw.

00:16:50.639 --> 00:16:54.080
And it helps my child show up in that space too.

00:16:54.320 --> 00:17:01.519
And he had a little issue just last week with some of these one person in particular who was not being very kind to him.

00:17:01.679 --> 00:17:04.480
And I just said, Well, how do you think that that person feels?

00:17:04.640 --> 00:17:06.960
And then we realized that they had separated as well.

00:17:07.119 --> 00:17:13.440
I said, Well, you know, when you were going through that time, darling, that was really hard for you and you were very reactive to everything.

00:17:13.599 --> 00:17:14.720
He goes, Yeah, I know.

00:17:14.880 --> 00:17:16.240
So what did you need in that time?

00:17:16.400 --> 00:17:18.319
He's like, Well, I needed love and understanding.

00:17:18.400 --> 00:17:22.079
And I was like, Well, that's what we need to give others in those times.

00:17:22.319 --> 00:17:24.720
Maybe that person just needs some inclusion.

00:17:24.880 --> 00:17:27.759
Maybe they just need to feel seen and loved and valued.

00:17:27.920 --> 00:17:41.599
So we invited that particular child over to play Nintendo because a lot of the other kids in the group were playing, and we just never invited that child, not for any particular reason, just because I leave it up to him to be able to invite his friends.

00:17:41.839 --> 00:17:44.720
And the changes in that situation was beautiful.

00:17:44.799 --> 00:17:48.400
Like they connected, there's no issues at school anymore.

00:17:48.640 --> 00:17:59.680
And I think that teaching our kids that inclusion part and that maybe somebody's going through something big that's so well above you, I think that's the important part.

00:18:00.240 --> 00:18:10.079
And through that learning, he now understands the fact that it's not him that's the problem, it's us, you know, it's that person, it's me as a mom.

00:18:10.400 --> 00:18:14.240
It's a child at school, it's a teacher that might be going through a hard time.

00:18:14.559 --> 00:18:20.960
My child, if I'm a bit frustrated and angry, he'll say, Mummy, I think you need to go for a run, you know.

00:18:21.519 --> 00:18:24.799
I think you need to get your feelings out through your legs.

00:18:25.200 --> 00:18:31.200
So, yeah, you know, I think that's through modeling behavior that we do on an everyday basis.

00:18:31.519 --> 00:18:37.440
We are robbing our children if we pretend that everything's okay when it's not of the experience.

00:18:37.599 --> 00:18:43.440
We don't need to go into the story, especially during separation, but you can talk about the feeling that you're feeling at the time.

00:18:43.920 --> 00:18:45.279
Yeah, it's so well put.

00:18:45.519 --> 00:18:54.400
And I think in the conversations, also giving them the words and giving them the understanding frees up any guilt that they might feel.

00:18:54.799 --> 00:19:00.240
One of the things I talk about a lot is how we tend well, as children, they tend to put it on themselves.

00:19:00.799 --> 00:19:08.559
If we don't give them a reason for why we're feeling a certain way, or don't give them some hint, they'll be like, it's my fault or it's on me, right?

00:19:08.799 --> 00:19:10.000
We don't recognize that.

00:19:10.240 --> 00:19:31.920
Not only do we not give them an example of authenticity, but we a lot of times are burdening them with the feeling because they are inappropriately or inaccurately attributing it to something they did when it might be about work or it might be about a neighbor thing, or you know, it's often I mean, sometimes it is frustration at children, but it's often something entirely different that we're struggling with.

00:19:32.160 --> 00:19:35.759
Kids will take it on themselves and assume it's because I did this or it's because I'm this.

00:19:36.079 --> 00:19:37.759
We don't want them carrying that around either.

00:19:37.920 --> 00:19:45.279
So we free them up from attributing it to themselves incorrectly, and then we also give them the example of how a human manages big feelings.

00:19:45.599 --> 00:19:47.119
I couldn't have said it better myself.

00:19:47.440 --> 00:19:55.279
And you know, kids do blame themselves, especially during the separation and divorce process of a child will blame themselves.

00:19:55.519 --> 00:19:59.519
If you don't show up, it's not you're the problem, it's that they're the problem.

00:20:00.000 --> 00:20:11.599
And I've had to do a lot of work with my own child and with many other children in practice about this, like understanding the fact that it's something outside of themselves, because they do, that is their go-to, is I'm the problem, I'm the issue.

00:20:11.680 --> 00:20:13.920
There's a really great pursuit of happiness.

00:20:14.000 --> 00:20:15.599
It's like my all-time favorite movie.

00:20:15.680 --> 00:20:17.039
I absolutely love it.

00:20:17.279 --> 00:20:24.480
And there's a piece in there where the mum leaves and Chris Gardner is there and says, you know, it's not you, it's your mum.

00:20:24.640 --> 00:20:48.640
And I just think that that is such a beautiful piece to show children that are going through that separation process that if they're in that particular situation, which some are, some aren't, if you're going through that, it really helps a child understand the fact that sometimes a parent or a human, whether that's whoever it is in their life, has stuff going on that they need to deal with and it's not you.

00:20:48.880 --> 00:21:04.079
And yeah, it just a real goal for parents is to help them understand through your authenticity to help children understand that they are so wonderful and they are so incredible and they are so loved and beautiful as they are.

00:21:04.240 --> 00:21:16.559
And I think it's important as parents and as educators and as therapists that we remind children of this a lot, especially in neurodiversity and rejection sensitivity order and all of these things.

00:21:16.880 --> 00:21:26.720
It's important that we are our biggest cheerleaders to our children and to the children around us and to, you know, even parents, you know, that needed a little bit too.

00:21:27.039 --> 00:21:27.440
Yeah.

00:21:27.759 --> 00:21:30.240
Yeah, I know that's beautifully put as well.

00:21:30.400 --> 00:21:40.160
And I think sometimes the struggle comes in the development that we hope to see and the place that we're at currently.

00:21:40.400 --> 00:21:41.200
Would you agree?

00:21:42.240 --> 00:21:50.799
When we see our kids in a situation where we know they need to develop a skill or work through something, and we kind of want them to be on the other side of it, right?

00:21:51.839 --> 00:22:02.079
We don't want to deal with the discomfort of seeing the gap between where they need to be in order to learn the thing or in order to reach the goal or you know, whatever it is that's in their way.

00:22:02.240 --> 00:22:05.680
Like we don't want to be in the space of the messy learning.

00:22:05.759 --> 00:22:07.599
And so sometimes it can be frustrating, right?

00:22:07.759 --> 00:22:17.200
For this little growing person who's constantly on the cusp of all these things, but also constantly stumbling around and trying to figure it out to be patient always with the growth.

00:22:17.440 --> 00:22:30.400
But I love the way you describe it because I think that giving ourselves the reminders and the kids the reminders that as you are in this moment, being present with where you are right now, there's so many incredible, beautiful things about you.

00:22:30.720 --> 00:22:38.240
And as a growing human, it's natural that we're gonna be stretching and we're gonna be learning in all these different ways for years, right?

00:22:38.319 --> 00:22:39.279
Our whole lives really.

00:22:39.440 --> 00:22:44.079
But with small humans, it feels an interesting mix of presence with perspective.

00:22:44.880 --> 00:22:46.000
Yeah, absolutely.

00:22:46.240 --> 00:22:50.079
It's just important that we speak in a child's language as well.

00:22:50.480 --> 00:22:56.880
They don't understand our adult conversations and this stuff's big, and you know, it's taken me 40 years to understand a lot of it.

00:22:57.119 --> 00:23:04.640
And, you know, it's important that we do help children understand that yeah, there's just different waves of life.

00:23:04.880 --> 00:23:22.480
And there's this really great thing that I do with kids sometimes where if they're going through that particular grief, like there's a black circle in the middle, and then we put the colours on the outside to help understand that grief doesn't leave your body, and that could be grief as a simple as a friendship that has ended for them.

00:23:22.720 --> 00:23:34.000
It doesn't need to be necessarily the big grief, it can be the smaller elements of grief of a friendship that that part of us is still there, but we just build our life around it.

00:23:34.160 --> 00:23:48.400
And it's important for children to understand the fact that, you know, even though that doesn't go away necessarily, it's still a part of us, but you do have an opportunity to grow those trees and you do have an opportunity to expand.

00:23:48.720 --> 00:23:51.039
And, you know, that's a choice that we make.

00:23:51.200 --> 00:23:57.279
And I think that's important for children as well to understand that as a child I only wanted the happy emotions.

00:23:57.440 --> 00:24:02.640
And still these days, I even understand through social media, if I'm vulnerable, they don't always react to that.

00:24:02.799 --> 00:24:06.240
Whereas if I'm happy, they're like, oh wow, she's happy, everything's good now.

00:24:06.559 --> 00:24:09.359
That was the old me, always wanting to be happy.

00:24:09.440 --> 00:24:16.960
The new me is like, hey, I'm showing every part of me here and I'm okay with whatever you think about it because this is who I am.

00:24:17.279 --> 00:24:21.839
And, you know, we celebrate these big emotions with kids.

00:24:22.079 --> 00:24:24.799
They'll get a goal in basketball and we're like, I'm so proud of you.

00:24:24.880 --> 00:24:30.319
And it's like, well, why can't you just be proud of your child just for being them every day of their life?

00:24:30.799 --> 00:24:35.119
If they're upset or they're disappointed or they're frustrated, let's celebrate all of it.

00:24:35.279 --> 00:24:39.440
Let's not just celebrate the good times because it makes us feel good as a parent.

00:24:39.759 --> 00:24:41.440
We want to sit in that uncomfortableness.

00:24:41.759 --> 00:24:46.319
But going back to your point, people are scared of emotions.

00:24:46.559 --> 00:24:48.480
People are uncomfortable in emotions.

00:24:48.559 --> 00:24:50.880
It's an uncomfortable space for human beings.

00:24:51.039 --> 00:24:52.720
It's a scary space for them.

00:24:52.880 --> 00:24:59.440
So it's hard for parents to hold emotions for their kids when they were never able to hold emotions for themselves.

00:24:59.599 --> 00:25:00.880
So that's a piece of the puzzle.

00:25:00.960 --> 00:25:10.480
And I'm sure you would do the same, Lindsay, is like, first of all, we need to hold the space for the parents because when they can feel, they can accept their children feeling.

00:25:10.640 --> 00:25:15.119
But if they haven't had that opportunity, it is so they're just like, oh, it's a lolly.

00:25:15.279 --> 00:25:16.720
Oh, yeah, change the subject.

00:25:16.799 --> 00:25:18.160
I'll give you whatever you want.

00:25:18.319 --> 00:25:24.880
Like there was one time in a supermarket where my child just cried for 45 minutes because he wanted a particular toy.

00:25:25.039 --> 00:25:26.799
And I knew it wasn't about the toy.

00:25:26.960 --> 00:25:35.200
He had had a lot going on in his life, and it wasn't about that particular toy, and I just held that space for him for 45 minutes in a supermarket.

00:25:35.519 --> 00:25:37.039
I wasn't embarrassed.

00:25:37.279 --> 00:25:38.880
I was there for my child.

00:25:39.039 --> 00:25:41.200
I knew that that's what he needed in the moment.

00:25:41.440 --> 00:25:47.039
He had so much going on inside that me holding that boundary allowed him to express it.

00:25:47.279 --> 00:25:49.519
But would most parents be able to do this?

00:25:49.759 --> 00:25:50.079
No.

00:25:50.559 --> 00:25:53.279
You know, because it's uncomfortable.

00:25:53.440 --> 00:25:55.359
We care too much about what other people think.

00:25:55.599 --> 00:26:01.200
We put other people's opinions of us outside of how our child is feeling in that particular moment.

00:26:01.519 --> 00:26:03.759
What about if we just had that level of acceptance?

00:26:03.920 --> 00:26:10.640
Because during that, people would just like look at me and be like, oh, you know, it that understanding and compassion, like, hey, I've been there.

00:26:10.720 --> 00:26:11.279
I get it.

00:26:11.680 --> 00:26:15.920
Let's all understand the fact that children have big stuff going on too.

00:26:16.079 --> 00:26:26.640
And unless we deal with it, it is going to come out in the most inconvenient time, such as at a restaurant or at a supermarket, if we don't deal with their big stuff when it comes up for them.

00:26:27.119 --> 00:26:27.519
Yeah.

00:26:27.759 --> 00:26:28.240
Yeah.

00:26:28.480 --> 00:26:35.839
Well, and one of the things that you're big about is helping families to do this without feeling like it's another thing that they have to teach.

00:26:36.160 --> 00:26:40.079
And you're right, a lot of times those moments are completely inopportune.

00:26:40.480 --> 00:26:48.720
We call it an emotion beach ball, whereas the emotion just gets so full, it just like pops up where you least expect it and you think I'm on it down, and then you're not.

00:26:48.960 --> 00:26:59.119
And so is that the approach, like that authenticity and just taking the moments as they come that helps it not feel like, okay, I need to check this off the list, like emotional regulation tools for kids, right?

00:26:59.599 --> 00:27:05.359
It feels like a lot to teach that to a tiny person, especially when you don't have it locked in for yourself.

00:27:05.519 --> 00:27:09.200
How do you make it just like the natural course of your day?

00:27:09.599 --> 00:27:13.680
It just becomes a natural part of your day when we do this a lot at the start.

00:27:13.759 --> 00:27:14.880
It's really uncomfortable.

00:27:14.960 --> 00:27:17.759
And it takes a lot of time to be able to move through that.

00:27:18.079 --> 00:27:23.759
But listening to our kids rather than fixing them and going back to your point before, Lindsay, we do so much for our kids.

00:27:23.839 --> 00:27:25.039
Like we want to solve their problems.

00:27:25.200 --> 00:27:26.240
And this was big for me.

00:27:26.319 --> 00:27:27.920
And still is, I have to just stop.

00:27:28.079 --> 00:27:32.480
And my son actually says to me, I just want to talk and I don't want you to solve it.

00:27:32.559 --> 00:27:33.759
And I'm like, oh, thank you.

00:27:33.920 --> 00:27:36.240
You've taught me what I need to do as a parent.

00:27:36.480 --> 00:27:39.839
Our kids are our greatest teachers if you allow them to be.

00:27:40.079 --> 00:27:46.640
So it is important to remember that, that they are here to teach you just as much as you're here to teach them.

00:27:46.960 --> 00:27:52.960
So that listening into their day, not solving, not trying to solve their issues, just listening.

00:27:53.119 --> 00:27:54.319
Hey, what would you like?

00:27:54.480 --> 00:27:59.359
And you can ask the question and say, hey, do you want me to give you some solutions?

00:27:59.599 --> 00:28:01.599
And they could say yes or they could say no.

00:28:01.759 --> 00:28:03.359
Sometimes it's just about talking.

00:28:03.519 --> 00:28:10.319
I have one child that I have sessions with and it's online, and it will be blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

00:28:10.559 --> 00:28:12.480
And then he'd be like, okay, I've got to go now, see ya.

00:28:12.640 --> 00:28:15.759
And we could be on the call for 20 minutes or we could be on for 45 minutes.

00:28:15.839 --> 00:28:21.359
And he's just like, he gets it all out, he feels safe, and he doesn't want to talk about anything anymore.

00:28:21.519 --> 00:28:22.720
And that's our sessions.

00:28:22.799 --> 00:28:24.000
And that's what I accept.

00:28:24.079 --> 00:28:25.279
And that's what we do.

00:28:25.759 --> 00:28:29.039
Sometimes it's just about that garbage truck that we hold in our body.

00:28:29.119 --> 00:28:31.200
Our emotions are like a garbage truck.

00:28:31.359 --> 00:28:36.799
That, you know, you put them in, you put them in, you put them in, you put them in, just like a garbage truck, they need to be emptied.

00:28:36.880 --> 00:28:39.920
So you need to create that space to empty them.

00:28:40.480 --> 00:28:42.079
Sometimes that's through talking.

00:28:42.160 --> 00:28:43.839
Maybe it could be yelling into a pillow.

00:28:43.920 --> 00:28:47.519
It could be, you know, we have this roller bag at home that we use.

00:28:47.839 --> 00:28:49.359
It could be like Big Ted.

00:28:49.920 --> 00:28:51.119
This is my Big Ted.

00:28:51.200 --> 00:28:54.079
I know that you've got your beautiful monkey in the background too.

00:28:54.160 --> 00:28:57.119
And Big Ted, you know, takes all the feelings.

00:28:57.440 --> 00:29:02.319
And we need to find elements for children to be able to do this on a regular basis.

00:29:02.400 --> 00:29:05.200
Like, oh, I can feel some anger there.

00:29:05.359 --> 00:29:07.359
Do you want to go punch a punching bag?

00:29:07.440 --> 00:29:12.000
Or I can feel if we're in nature, oh hey, do you reckon we could go for a walk?

00:29:12.079 --> 00:29:14.079
I feel like there's stuff going on here.

00:29:14.319 --> 00:29:23.519
And through that daily repetition of doing all of those things and through you modeling it on a regular basis, like, oh, I'm feeling really angry today.

00:29:23.599 --> 00:29:24.960
I need to go for a run.

00:29:25.359 --> 00:29:28.000
I just I've got so much going on in my body.

00:29:28.160 --> 00:29:29.119
I'm not feeling good.

00:29:29.279 --> 00:29:30.160
I need to go.

00:29:30.319 --> 00:29:33.519
And so it then doesn't become another thing on your to-do list.

00:29:33.599 --> 00:29:37.839
It just becomes every day of life that, you know, I'm feeling sad.

00:29:37.920 --> 00:29:39.440
Let's go to our calm corner.

00:29:39.599 --> 00:29:40.880
Can we do some drawing together?

00:29:41.039 --> 00:29:42.559
I'm feeling a little bit disappointed.

00:29:42.640 --> 00:29:44.240
Do you think you can give me a hug?

00:29:44.480 --> 00:29:46.960
You know, when I'm feeling anxious, I cook.

00:29:47.039 --> 00:29:48.319
Like it's such a thing.

00:29:48.400 --> 00:29:50.400
You know, food's such a common theme.

00:29:50.640 --> 00:29:59.920
In my life, it's finding elements that you can do things together on a regular basis that helps children understand that it is okay to feel whatever they are feeling.

00:30:00.079 --> 00:30:06.640
And whether that's sad, disappointment, frustration, anger, shame, they all have a place.

00:30:07.599 --> 00:30:08.079
Yes.

00:30:08.240 --> 00:30:09.759
Yes, so well put.

00:30:10.559 --> 00:30:12.000
Well, this has been such a joy.

00:30:12.079 --> 00:30:15.759
The time has flown by, and I have learned a lot.

00:30:15.839 --> 00:30:20.799
And I appreciate just the approach that you have in terms of that authenticity.

00:30:20.880 --> 00:30:31.920
And the parents who are listening, I hope, can sense the acceptance too, like we talked about, where you accepting yourself, accepting your child, and accepting the moments that you're in.

00:30:32.400 --> 00:30:37.200
When we can stop fighting those things, right, we're already on our way.

00:30:37.440 --> 00:30:49.359
And it's the fight that a lot of times gets in our way in terms of taking advantage of the teaching opportunities, in terms of showing up fully, it's fighting where we're at, what we feel, fighting the exchange we're having with our child in that moment.

00:30:49.519 --> 00:31:01.839
And so I hope that the genuine care that you have offered us today is finding its way into the ears of our listeners so that they can feel that sense of acceptance for themselves and for whatever moments they find themselves in.

00:31:02.079 --> 00:31:02.240
Yeah.

00:31:02.400 --> 00:31:09.759
In moments of dysregulation, connection is what kids need, not disconnection, not go to your room, like play a game of Uno, go for a walk.

00:31:10.000 --> 00:31:14.000
That's what children and we all need in moments of dysregulation.

00:31:14.079 --> 00:31:16.079
So remember connection comes first.

00:31:16.400 --> 00:31:22.000
Even in the hard times where you're like, whoa, this is big and you know, this is this is massive.

00:31:22.240 --> 00:31:22.559
Yeah.

00:31:22.799 --> 00:31:24.160
Try connection first.

00:31:24.240 --> 00:31:25.279
It's so important.

00:31:25.599 --> 00:31:25.920
Yeah.

00:31:26.079 --> 00:31:35.680
Well, and with that, like you said, if the emotion feels too big to manage or to talk through, sometimes that's just because it's not the time to talk through it right then, right?

00:31:35.839 --> 00:31:37.920
But it could be the time to connect, like you're saying.

00:31:38.079 --> 00:31:46.480
So I think that's an important distinction to make is that if you're feeling that big emotion, if your child is feeling that big emotion, if you can have the capacity to kind of work through it with them, great.

00:31:46.640 --> 00:32:00.799
If you just have the capacity to stay engaged with them and find an activity you can be doing together while they're feeling the thing, whether that's holding them, reading a story, like you said, you're at the grocery store, wherever it is, but if you can stay engaged, that's the key, right?

00:32:00.960 --> 00:32:07.759
That's what's gonna allow the learning, that's what's gonna allow you to revisit the moment later and say, hey, I'm so glad we could go on that walk.

00:32:08.079 --> 00:32:09.519
You were having a rough time, huh?

00:32:09.680 --> 00:32:11.839
And then sometimes the floodgates open, right?

00:32:11.920 --> 00:32:16.079
And then the story comes out, and then you get the pieces and you can help them process.

00:32:16.240 --> 00:32:22.640
But if you can't engage in the moment, it's really tricky to later on be the resource that you want to be, right?

00:32:22.960 --> 00:32:23.839
Oh, absolutely.

00:32:24.000 --> 00:32:26.559
You know, children don't want to talk in some situations.

00:32:26.960 --> 00:32:30.799
They come out of school, they've had this massive day, and we're like, hey, how was your day?

00:32:30.880 --> 00:32:31.519
And they're like, good.

00:32:31.839 --> 00:32:34.319
They're just like, I just want to shut off from the world right now.

00:32:34.480 --> 00:32:35.839
I don't want to talk about things.

00:32:36.000 --> 00:32:40.160
But the time where children really want to express themselves the most is before bed.

00:32:40.400 --> 00:32:44.640
That is the time where we want to go to bed and they're like, okay, I'm ready to talk now.

00:32:44.960 --> 00:32:52.559
And that's a level of acceptance and understanding through that of just going, okay, this is the time where everything's quiet.

00:32:52.720 --> 00:32:55.680
They've been able to process it through their body and they're able to talk now.

00:32:55.839 --> 00:33:01.759
So it's finding those elements of if they're not ready to talk to you then, you build the connection and then it just comes out.

00:33:01.839 --> 00:33:05.200
But if you hound a child and be like, oh, and don't worry, I've done this.

00:33:05.279 --> 00:33:09.039
I'm only learning from I'm only learning from my own things, you know.

00:33:09.119 --> 00:33:13.279
If I hound and say, Oh, well, tell me about this, they shut off.

00:33:13.440 --> 00:33:19.839
Whereas if you just give them space to be able to move through what it is and turn everything into a game.

00:33:20.000 --> 00:33:23.119
You know, they don't empty the dishwasher, great, turn it into a game.

00:33:23.359 --> 00:33:25.200
Children's language is play.

00:33:25.440 --> 00:33:28.480
And whether we like it or not, they just love play.

00:33:28.880 --> 00:33:29.680
They love that.

00:33:29.839 --> 00:33:33.039
They might come home from school and be like, hey mom, can you play with me?

00:33:33.279 --> 00:33:35.759
That is them saying, Can you connect to me?

00:33:36.480 --> 00:33:39.680
Often that turns into no, I've got to do the washing, I've got to do this.

00:33:40.000 --> 00:33:43.680
But for a child, if they say, Will you play with me?

00:33:43.920 --> 00:33:44.960
You act in one way.

00:33:45.119 --> 00:33:49.039
If they said, I've had a really hard day and I need you right now, you would act in another way.

00:33:49.119 --> 00:33:51.200
So when they say, Can you play with me?

00:33:51.440 --> 00:33:56.480
think that they're saying to you, I am struggling and I need to connect to you right now.

00:33:57.119 --> 00:33:58.880
Yeah, that's so powerful.

00:33:59.119 --> 00:34:02.480
And it's true, all of it, like the gamifying things.

00:34:02.720 --> 00:34:05.359
I love doing that with meditation and with breath work.

00:34:05.519 --> 00:34:09.440
Like, how can you walk across the room with that on your head, taking deep breaths?

00:34:09.599 --> 00:34:12.320
I don't know, can you make it all the way across the room before that falls off, right?

00:34:12.480 --> 00:34:18.000
Or like, you know, whatever it is, but then also just understanding and being really present, right?

00:34:18.079 --> 00:34:22.320
And knowing like that bid for connection could be a lot of different things.

00:34:22.480 --> 00:34:25.519
And I think that's important with adult children too, right?

00:34:25.679 --> 00:34:29.440
I'm an aunt to some beloved adult nieces and nephews.

00:34:29.519 --> 00:34:46.079
And so as my own daughter is growing up and as I'm able to interact with my adult nieces and nephews, I don't always know why they want to come hang out or why they want to chat or like why they called, or and even if they tell me why they called, I don't find out till like months later what was going on with them at the time, right?

00:34:46.320 --> 00:34:54.559
But it's just like that the desire to connect, yeah, noticing it and then always, always saying yes to it, right?

00:34:55.599 --> 00:35:09.199
Just letting that be the priority, the sense of authentic connection in the moment, being fully present with wherever they're at and allowing that to be the powerful thing and trusting that through that whatever difference needs to be made can be made.

00:35:09.440 --> 00:35:11.280
Yeah, sometimes it's just being in your presence.

00:35:11.519 --> 00:35:16.880
I have some of Axel's friends that still come to me now and be like, hey Jay, blah, blah, blah, because they know I'm that safe space.

00:35:16.960 --> 00:35:18.079
I'm like, okay, what do you think?

00:35:18.159 --> 00:35:19.840
And then, you know, it'll move on.

00:35:20.000 --> 00:35:25.840
And I'm that person to so many people, and they sometimes a trauma dump, and I need to be careful with that too.

00:35:25.920 --> 00:35:28.079
But you know, with children, you're a safe space.

00:35:28.159 --> 00:35:28.800
They feel that.

00:35:28.960 --> 00:35:30.800
They know who's safe and they know who's not.

00:35:30.880 --> 00:35:32.159
I understand that journey.

00:35:32.239 --> 00:35:39.440
And I think that that's such a gift that we have, Lindsay, because not everyone has that to be able to hold space when I separated.

00:35:39.599 --> 00:35:46.800
I was, oh gosh, people couldn't be near me because I was broken and oh my gosh, she's she's too emotional and there's too many feelings.

00:35:46.960 --> 00:35:54.239
And, you know, that level of abandonment for me was so much worse than the separation because they couldn't hold space for me.

00:35:54.400 --> 00:36:00.880
And I was so angry about that for so many years until I realized that you don't have the capacity to show up for yourself.

00:36:00.960 --> 00:36:03.280
It's okay for you not to show up for me.

00:36:03.440 --> 00:36:13.679
So if we teach our children a different way, we're gonna have so many more humans that can just hold space for people when they need that, because that's what people need is just somebody to sit there.

00:36:13.920 --> 00:36:18.000
And I'm just got this book coming through my head of a little rabbit that just sits with an elephant.

00:36:18.159 --> 00:36:22.480
We just need to sit there and be with people and not be uncomfortable in that space.

00:36:22.559 --> 00:36:31.440
And congratulations to you, Lindsay, on everything that you're doing in your practice and with children and families, because this is a new voice that's coming through.

00:36:31.679 --> 00:36:37.599
I call it a new language within the household of let's find a language where you can all connect together.

00:36:37.679 --> 00:36:38.800
And I think it's just so important.

00:36:38.880 --> 00:36:42.800
And I'm so excited for the next generation of kids that have that support.

00:36:43.280 --> 00:36:43.760
Yeah.

00:36:44.320 --> 00:36:44.719
Thank you.

00:36:44.960 --> 00:36:54.719
As you and I were talking before we hit record, we were just envisioning this world where these kids grow up and then they have kids and they have the skills and the tools and the emotional regulation.

00:36:54.960 --> 00:36:58.960
They have all of those things as they launch and find their way in the world.

00:36:59.039 --> 00:37:00.559
And that's a different world.

00:37:00.719 --> 00:37:01.119
Yeah.

00:37:01.440 --> 00:37:02.480
Definitely a different world.

00:37:02.800 --> 00:37:03.360
It's different.

00:37:03.519 --> 00:37:04.159
It's beautiful.

00:37:04.239 --> 00:37:09.840
It's connection, it's belonging, it's connection, growth, and belonging, the three things that people and humans need.

00:37:10.159 --> 00:37:22.159
And you know, we're teaching our kids that at a small age and also boundaries, also who is safe and who is not safe, and not having to be friends with somebody just because they're a family member or if they don't feel safe to you.

00:37:22.239 --> 00:37:24.960
And I think that's an important piece of the puzzle as well.

00:37:25.440 --> 00:37:29.199
Yeah, a part of self-compassion for sure, is knowing where you're safe.

00:37:29.920 --> 00:37:30.239
Yeah.

00:37:30.480 --> 00:37:32.559
Well, I could go on and on and on.

00:37:33.119 --> 00:37:35.280
We'll have to connect again for another conversation.

00:37:35.519 --> 00:37:37.360
This was absolutely lovely.

00:37:37.679 --> 00:37:42.320
Talk to our listeners about where they can find you and learn more about your work.

00:37:42.559 --> 00:37:43.360
Yeah, beautiful.

00:37:43.440 --> 00:37:46.079
So we have an app which is in the beta testing phase at the moment.

00:37:46.159 --> 00:37:51.840
So if you want to be one of our beta testers, please email me at hello at happy souls with an S and kids with an S.

00:37:52.000 --> 00:37:53.199
Happy Souls Kids.

00:37:53.519 --> 00:37:55.840
We've got Instagram, TikTok, LinkedIn.

00:37:56.159 --> 00:38:00.320
My name's Jacintha Field, J A C I N T H A F I E L D.

00:38:00.400 --> 00:38:02.000
It's very confusing, it's very long.

00:38:02.159 --> 00:38:07.039
But it's hard to find people in this space that really kind of just get it and understand what you need.

00:38:07.119 --> 00:38:11.119
So it's nice to connect to those people that you really resonate with.

00:38:11.440 --> 00:38:12.719
I think that's an important piece.

00:38:12.800 --> 00:38:19.519
So please reach out and let's create a new world of people that are much more connected and self-aware.

00:38:19.840 --> 00:38:21.280
Yes, let's do it.

00:38:21.440 --> 00:38:23.760
Thank you again, Jay, for joining me today.

00:38:24.079 --> 00:38:25.199
Thanks so much, Lindsay.

00:38:25.360 --> 00:38:26.480
Appreciate you.

00:38:27.679 --> 00:38:29.840
Thanks for listening to the Stress Nanny.

00:38:29.920 --> 00:38:35.440
If you found today's episode helpful, be sure to share it with a friend who could use a little extra calm in their week.00:38:35.599 --> 00:38:38.079


And if you have a minute, I'd love for you to leave a review.00:38:38.239 --> 00:38:41.440


It helps other parents find the show and join us on this journey.00:38:41.599 --> 00:38:46.639


For more tools and support, head over to www.thestressnanny.com.00:38:46.800 --> 00:38:48.880


Remember, you don't have to do stress alone.00:38:49.039 --> 00:38:53.039


Together we can raise kids who know how to navigate life with confidence and ease.00:38:53.199 --> 00:38:56.400


Until next time, take a deep breath and give yourself some grace.