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Welcome to the Stress Nanny, the podcast where we take the overwhelm out of parenting and help kids and parents build calm, confidence, and connection.
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I'm your host, Lindsay Miller, Kids Mindfulness Coach and Cheerleader for busy families everywhere.
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Each week we'll explore simple tools, uplifting stories, and practical strategies to help your child learn emotional regulation, resilience, and self-confidence, while giving you a little more peace of mind too.
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I'm so glad you're here.
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My guest today is Anil Gupta, internationally known as the Love Doctor.
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Anil helps singles, couples, and families overcome their struggles and issues in relationships and in communication in a rapid and powerful manner with proven results so they can live richer, fuller lives filled with love.
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Anil is a triple best-selling international author and TEDx speaker, positively impacting very large audiences in over 18 countries.
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He has been featured in numerous publications and media outlets, including iHeartRadio, Fox News, Sky TV, Harvard, ABC, NBC, and many more.
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He has coached celebrities, including Mike Tyson.
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He was a guest speaker with Richard Branson on Necker Island and has been invited by heads of state and spiritual leaders like the Dalai Lama to meet them.
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Anil created the happiness formula, the happiness test, the relationship score, and the relationship ratio.
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He's held relationship and mindset workshops in over 18 countries, translated into eight languages with audiences of over 10,000 fans.
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Anil has a unique intuitive gift to remove the blockages that prevent people living fulfilled lives using his intuitive and proven skill sets.
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Making a promise that the content that I'll be sharing today will be practical, proven, and usable with immediate effect.
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Well, great.
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That's the kind of content we love around here.
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So I'm excited about it.
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As we get started, will you share a little bit more about your story?
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I feel like it makes it much more compelling as you're sharing the wisdom that you have.
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It's hard-earned, right?
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Okay through adversity, and adversity can make you or break you.
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I remember coming up to my bedroom and having to explain to my wife what happened.
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I said, Honey, something really bad has happened.
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And she said, What's going on?
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I said, Honey, I've lost the car, the house, the school funds, everything.
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It's gonna go.
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And Lindsay, she looked up at me and she smiled and thought, What's going on?
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She said, Honey, I knew something was wrong.
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You've been behaving strangely.
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I thought it was something serious.
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And I looked at her, I said, Did you not hear what I said?
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There's nothing more serious than this.
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This is the way I was thinking.
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She said, Honey, no, I thought you had cancer.
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I thought you were dying.
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I don't care about the money.
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Wow.
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I always I was just flawed.
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And then she said, You made one big mistake.
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I thought, here we go.
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I knew it.
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She said, You haven't lost everything.
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You still have me, you still have the kids.
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We'll sleep in the streets if we have to.
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Lindsay, that was like, oh my gosh, a huge weight lifted off my shoulder.
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I just felt so much peace.
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And everything changed from there.
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Yeah.
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Talk to me about your decision to become the love doctor.
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The moniker is so fantastic.
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And we're gonna get into it in a minute, the practical advice that you have around this.
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But talk to me about how that moment translated into where you are now.
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So it had nothing to do with me.
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I I was helping people, and one person called me, hey, that what's the love doctor got to say here?
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Hey, let's get the love doctor's opinion here.
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And I thought, oh, it's me.
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And I thought, I kind of like that.
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So I just, you know, I took it on and then I used the logo, and yeah, just by accident, but there's no accidents in life, you know.
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So that's what I do.
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I am the love doctor.
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I bring more love into your life through practical, powerful methodologies that we were never taught.
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We were never given a manual when we were born.
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Imagine how our lives would change if you could handle upsets, forgiveness, letting go, living in the now rather than in the past or the future.
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We were never taught this stuff.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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And one thing that's so compelling to me about your story is this idea that your receiving of that kind of like deep unconditional love from your spouse is kind of like opened up an opportunity for you to then be a channel for that kind of love to other people in other ways.
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Would you agree with that?
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It's totally true.
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And then, you know, once you start to give, all your pain and suffering disappears and it became addictive.
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You have to feel loved, you have to feel worthy, you have to feel you belong.
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And once you do that, life will be such a different journey for you.
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It'll bring more joy to you, it'll have more years to your life and more life to your years.
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Yeah, I love that.
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Well, let's get into it because you know, as we uh talk to families here on this podcast, that's something that I know a lot of parents are looking for their child, right?
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That sense of belonging and for their child to go into the world, feeling that sense of deep, deep love.
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I know when we do some of my mindfulness work with kids, we'll do the loving-kindness meditation and we imagine ourselves, you know, in the process of that meditation, we go through self, someone we love, right?
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Someone that is neutral to us, someone that we have issues with, and then the world.
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And as I walk the kids through it, I invite them to imagine themselves like totally filling up with love so that it's overflowing out of them and needs somewhere else to go.
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And so you have all these methodologies and processes and ideas for people on how to live that way, right?
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Not just a meditation in a few minutes.
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That's just the way you move around the world.
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So, talk to us about some of the ways we can impart that kind of deep sense of connection and love to our kids.
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The greatest gift we can give our kids is this: give them the ability to handle love by throwing adversity at them that they can reasonably handle.
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See, a lot of parents are helicopter parents or they're worried about their kids, or they enable and entitle their kids because they don't want their kids to go through what they went through.
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But honestly, that's the worst thing you can do.
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If you have an enabled and entitled child, they don't know how to handle life.
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And they're just going to live a mediocre life, and that's the worst thing you can do.
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By you making life difficult for them, you're teaching them how to handle adversity, how to handle life.
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And because of that, they will love you even more.
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But a lot of parents are so scared of losing love from their child that they will enable and entitle them.
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Because when they were growing up, maybe they didn't get love from their parents.
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So they they want to make sure that they're different parents.
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They make sure that the source of love from a child is guaranteed, but it's never guaranteed.
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The greatest gift you can give them is, you know, throw adversity at them.
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It's okay.
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When you say through adversity, you know, I'm like always in the developmentally appropriate mindset around here.
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So of course we want it to be we want them in situations where they can handle maybe with a little bit of help or with a little bit of growth, right?
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What's in front of them?
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When you say throw adversity at them, are you saying allow them to struggle in situations where they would normally maybe feel okay and feel like they could handle it and allow them to kind of up-level their growth?
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Are you saying encourage them to approach situations that you know are going to be challenging for them, but like are developmentally appropriate?
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Help me understand a little bit more about that.
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Yeah, it's all of the above, and you know, you've got to have a high level of awareness.
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You can't be putting them in danger.
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So, for example, one of the things we did with our kids is that we took them 100 yards from home and told them to lead us home.
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Then 200 yards from home, then 300 yards, then 400 yards, then 500 yards, and increase incrementally their ability to handle that situation.
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What you're doing, incrementally, you're increasing their confidence.
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And you're asking questions.
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What would you do here?
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How would you handle this?
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Son, I want you to order lunch for us.
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Daughter, I want you to pay for the bill.
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I want you to check us in at the airport.
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These are the things that we did, and if they mess up, it's okay.
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But we wouldn't give them anything that would stress them out too much.
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But you have to be, you know, age appropriate, gender appropriate, maturity appropriate.
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And this way, you build them up.
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I remember Richard Branson was thrown into the middle of a field at the age of five.
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And I said to my wife, hey, let's do that.
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And she said, No, we're not going to do that.
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And I thought, okay, what's the next best thing?
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So what we did, Lindsay, you know, we were in central London, so it's called the tube.
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We would take our kids and we would teach them how to get home.
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So one station, five stations, eight stations, different lines.
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Then one day we took them into central London and said, okay, kids, you are going to go home by yourselves.
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There were nine and seven at the time.
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But we were 20 feet behind, maybe 10 feet behind them.
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But you cannot call for help from us.
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You cannot seek anything unless it's an emergency.
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But we taught them how to handle different scenarios, where to stand, who to ask for, who not to ask for.
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That built up their confidence.
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When my son was 18, he went around the world by himself.
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When my daughter was 18, I think she went around the world by herself.
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So it has a huge impact on them over time.
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So let me give you an example.
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The benefit of an alarm clock is wakes you up.
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The benefit of that is that you have a good sleep, rested sleep, your cells get replenished.
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The benefit of that, you're fresh.
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The benefit of that you're in a nice time with the family, the benefit of that you get more done.
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The benefit of that more impact, more happiness, more joy, more money.
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It has a huge effect.
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But when you start giving these adversities to your kids, the benefit of the benefit of the benefit is compounded over many, many years, which they will pass on to their kids, they will pass on to their kids.
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So there's a lot at stake.
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Yes.
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Oh, I love that.
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I love those examples because it speaks to something we talk about a lot here on the podcast, which is this idea of scaffolded learning, right?
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That the ability to support kids at the level that they need support, but then allow them the independence when they're prepared for it.
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And those are such great examples because I can see what you're saying in terms of confidence growing and resilience growing and just an awareness of what they're capable of.
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I think sometimes it's hard for kids to access that, like you're saying, if they haven't faced those situations that stretch them.
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So that's such a powerful example.
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Yeah.
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And you know, there's an added benefit here is that, you know, as the child grows up, they know that my dad and my mom would never give me a task that I wasn't capable of.
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If they feel that I'm capable of it, I must be capable of it.
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So it's a big mindset shift in the kids' thoughts.
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Yeah, yeah, for sure.
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And I think that's such a powerful note, also, the idea that that sense of trust from your parent isn't a blind trust, like, hey, you can do this no matter what.
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It's a guided trust.
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Like I've seen you do this, I've seen you take care of this, I've seen you figure this out.
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And so your witnessing of that growth feels so powerful.
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Yeah.
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And then in that process, you're teaching them, I could do this.
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My dad believes in me, my mom believes in me.
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They would not give me anything that I couldn't handle.
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I'm strong, I'm powerful.
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My grandson is 19 months old, and we're teaching him, I'm strong, I'm powerful, and I'm kind, I'm generous, I'm playful, I'm fun, I can handle this.
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I always have, I always will.
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Today's the day I'm a rock star.
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They were teaching this through cantations.
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You know, a lot of people, if you look at the word impossible, that's not what it reads.
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You know, the word it reads is I'm possible.
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It's not impossible.
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Love that so much.
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And I like the point you make too about someone that young being like the perfect place to start planting those seeds, right?
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And I think a lot of times we don't recognize the opportunities that we have to create, we're shaping the brains of these tiny children, right?
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In all of our interactions.
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And so building those connections and making those the go-to phrases, it serves so much, right?
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Because later on, when you need those things, they're already there, they're already a part of you.
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I know when I was little, I've told this story on the podcast before, my dad would come home every day from work and swing us around in the air and then send us packing to the mirror, and we'd have to go stand in front of the mirror and say, I'm great, every day when he got home.
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And that is such a core memory for me.
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And so when I look in the mirror, that's the natural response that I have to seeing myself in the mirror.
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And I think, you know, he could have said any number of things when he got home from work, right?
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Just like you could help your grandson learn any number of phrases.
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But the fact that those are the ones you want to embed, I feel like such a powerful gift that you're giving.
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And it's so powerful.
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You know, I hear parents, you know, when I go to the park, don't do that.
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It's too dangerous.
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You're gonna hurt yourself, you'll fail.
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And they say it like four or five times in minutes.
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And what are you teaching your kids?
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Oh, life is fearful, it's too dangerous.
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No, it's okay.
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You know, when I was a kid, I would go out at like six years old and I'd come back late at night.
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Obviously, I'm not recommending that, but you know, that there's a little bit of a sense of fear in parents.
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What if you get hurt?
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Well, okay, they get hurt, it's okay.
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As long as they're not doing anything that they will get seriously hurt, okay, they can scrape themselves or they might get bruised, it's okay.
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And the child would learn.
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Yeah.
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Talk to me about how you've reframe those moments.
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So if you were, you know, with your grandson in the park and you saw him attempting something that was potentially out of his lived experience, but probably doable for him, what would be the phrasing or multiple phrases you might use to help him do the task with awareness or confidence?
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So I would probably assist him minimally, so that the first time he gets assisted, the second time he gets less assisted.
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And we did this the other day.
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He went to a fun play area, you know, where they have slides and shoots and gameways and nets and all that stuff.
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At first he couldn't do it, but we introduced him to a little bit of help and a little bit of help and less help and less help.
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So it's really bringing up his confidence, because then when something new in the future comes in, he'll say, Hey, I've done this before, I can do this, I can do this.
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But if he's never been able to handle new things on his own, his mindset will, you know, just shut down because it's too risky, you know, and there's a sense of failure.
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But by even making it successful for them, I think that makes a big difference.
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Yeah.
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Celebrate to celebrate.
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Yeah.
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No, that's such a good point.
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I'm remembering a time I was working with my nephew, he's learning to ride a bike, and he had this idea that his legs weren't very strong.
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And he's trying to pedal up this hill.
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And he was like, Linz, do my legs look weak to you?
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And I was like, No, no, they don't.
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They look like very strong legs.
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And he was like, Oh.
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So, you know, he's pedaling.
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I'm like, look at you pedaling up this hill, right?
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And I was maybe giving him a tiny push on the back, but like you're saying, it was just the slightest support so he didn't roll backwards.
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So on the times when he really had to push with the pedals, he was making progress.
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And it was interesting to see after that, like his reframing, right?
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So instead of him looking down and seeing legs he thought were weak, he could start to shift the way that he was seeing himself.
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And I think what you just described is such a beautiful example of that.
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When we can offer that kind of subtle or nuanced support consistently and in a way that is appropriate to the situation with an eye toward building confidence, there's such a beautiful transfer that happens, right?
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Because they start to see what you've seen all along, which is that they can do it.
00:17:26.079 --> 00:17:26.880
Yeah, beautiful.
00:17:26.960 --> 00:17:28.240
So let's roleplay this.
00:17:28.799 --> 00:17:30.319
You be him and I'll be you.
00:17:30.640 --> 00:17:30.960
Okay.
00:17:31.599 --> 00:17:33.519
Okay, so I'm gonna tell you my legs are weak.
00:17:34.319 --> 00:17:35.680
Does it seem like my legs are weak?
00:17:35.759 --> 00:17:37.119
Like, can you just stand up?
00:17:38.799 --> 00:17:40.160
I'm gonna actually do it too.
00:17:40.480 --> 00:17:41.680
Okay, so stand up.
00:17:42.000 --> 00:17:43.200
Are you falling down?
00:17:44.160 --> 00:17:44.480
No.
00:17:46.000 --> 00:17:48.079
What does that tell you about your legs?
00:17:49.119 --> 00:17:50.720
That they can roll me up.
00:17:51.119 --> 00:17:53.440
Yeah, but you're heavier than the bike, aren't you?
00:17:54.160 --> 00:17:54.720
Yeah.
00:17:55.119 --> 00:17:55.440
Okay.
00:17:55.759 --> 00:17:57.279
You know what I think it is?
00:17:58.160 --> 00:17:58.640
What?
00:17:58.960 --> 00:18:01.200
I think you have very strong legs.
00:18:01.839 --> 00:18:05.359
But I think we need to put in a little bit more effort.
00:18:05.759 --> 00:18:06.720
Can you do that?
00:18:07.759 --> 00:18:08.559
Probably.
00:18:10.720 --> 00:18:12.240
It's kind of a hill.
00:18:13.039 --> 00:18:16.319
I know, but let's just do a little bit of the hill.
00:18:16.400 --> 00:18:17.599
We don't have to do all of it.
00:18:17.680 --> 00:18:18.880
Let's just do a little bit.
00:18:19.279 --> 00:18:19.519
Okay.
00:18:19.759 --> 00:18:20.000
Okay.
00:18:20.640 --> 00:18:22.160
So let's do four steps.
00:18:22.319 --> 00:18:22.559
Okay.
00:18:23.119 --> 00:18:23.440
Okay.
00:18:24.640 --> 00:18:24.960
Okay.
00:18:25.200 --> 00:18:29.680
I know you can you can do this because you're strong, you're powerful.
00:18:29.839 --> 00:18:31.680
I think it just needs a little bit of effort.
00:18:31.839 --> 00:18:34.640
The more effort you put in, the further you go.
00:18:34.799 --> 00:18:36.799
You know, that's the same in life.
00:18:38.240 --> 00:18:38.880
So much.
00:18:39.440 --> 00:18:40.079
Yes.
00:18:40.480 --> 00:18:41.759
That's fantastic.
00:18:42.000 --> 00:18:42.240
Yeah.
00:18:42.480 --> 00:18:44.079
And then we're we're seeding it.
00:18:44.559 --> 00:18:47.599
Well, and I love in what you did that I didn't do, right?
00:18:47.680 --> 00:18:50.559
Is that it gave him the lived experience of the strength.
00:18:50.880 --> 00:18:53.680
Like, you know, where you told me stand up and notice.
00:18:53.839 --> 00:18:55.759
Like you're already actually doing this.
00:18:56.720 --> 00:19:06.160
So the difference between see most parents try and motivate their kids, but what you want to do is inspire them, let it come from inside.
00:19:07.359 --> 00:19:08.319
So well put.
00:19:08.880 --> 00:19:23.680
Well, and I think too, you know, it's such an interesting balance as parents to, like you said, let it emerge and know when there's enough of it there that they can carry on on their own.
00:19:25.599 --> 00:19:28.880
Yeah, and that's where the awareness comes in.
00:19:29.440 --> 00:19:34.079
And then you know, encourage them, talk to them as adults.
00:19:34.640 --> 00:19:39.920
You know, when you speak to them and they're young, go on your knees and talk to them and ask them questions.
00:19:40.079 --> 00:19:41.440
What was great about this?
00:19:41.599 --> 00:19:42.720
How did you feel?
00:19:43.039 --> 00:19:45.200
Is there anything you'd like to ask?
00:19:45.440 --> 00:19:49.200
Let them be part of the discussion, let them lead.
00:19:49.680 --> 00:19:52.960
That develops their public speaking skills, their confidence.
00:19:53.200 --> 00:19:59.759
And you what you want them to do is come to you if ever they feel, you know, not heard, not listened to, not belonging.
00:20:00.240 --> 00:20:07.279
Not worthy, not good enough, whatever it is, let them be able to communicate with you powerfully.
00:20:08.079 --> 00:20:08.720
Yeah.
00:20:09.279 --> 00:20:09.680
Yeah.
00:20:09.920 --> 00:20:11.440
Again, beautifully put.
00:20:12.160 --> 00:20:28.799
So when we're talking about this kind of powerful communication, what are some of the maybe roadblocks you see to where families don't have the culture where that communication can flow freely, or kids aren't bringing what they need, or questions, or their need for support to parents?
00:20:28.880 --> 00:20:32.960
What are some of the things you're seeing that are preventing or getting in the way of that?
00:20:33.680 --> 00:20:40.960
It's really spending time with the kids, noticing the kids, observing them, and making them feel comfortable.
00:20:41.440 --> 00:20:46.720
And the problem arises when the kids start to go to school.
00:20:47.759 --> 00:20:52.160
So before that, whatever the child did was fantastic.
00:20:52.559 --> 00:20:55.039
You know, you pooped, you peed, it doesn't matter.
00:20:55.200 --> 00:21:04.720
But then when the child goes to school, there's an expectation from the child to behave in a certain way, to produce in a certain way.
00:21:04.960 --> 00:21:12.880
And that causes the child some friction because they used to think, oh, I could do anything and I would get edified.
00:21:13.119 --> 00:21:14.400
But now I've got to do something.
00:21:14.480 --> 00:21:15.519
So they have to make a choice.
00:21:15.680 --> 00:21:23.839
They can be better scholars, they can be better students, they can be obedient, they can be nice, they can be kind, or they can be troublesome.
00:21:23.920 --> 00:21:25.759
And if they're troublesome, they get attention.
00:21:25.839 --> 00:21:27.519
They think, oh, this is great.
00:21:27.839 --> 00:21:30.400
So we have to be very careful of that.
00:21:31.519 --> 00:21:32.160
Yeah.
00:21:32.400 --> 00:21:46.559
That's such an interesting way to think about it, is that like the benefits and the dynamics of communication start to shift, and what their goals and directives are more external than maybe internal a lot of times.
00:21:46.799 --> 00:21:54.880
What are some ways that you see parents doing a fantastic job of keeping those lines of communication open once kids are in school?
00:21:55.119 --> 00:22:01.200
You're saying time, so time after school, time is it like time engaged in shared activity?
00:22:01.359 --> 00:22:03.759
Is it just time in general, like in the car?
00:22:04.000 --> 00:22:05.599
I'm a big fan of quality time.
00:22:05.680 --> 00:22:06.799
So I totally agree with you.
00:22:06.960 --> 00:22:19.119
I'm just wondering if you see some specific scenarios where parents have really had a big impact in intentionally handling that the time difference once they start school.
00:22:19.680 --> 00:22:22.480
So it's the important thing is to listen.
00:22:22.720 --> 00:22:26.799
So one day my son came up to me and said, Dad, you lied to me.
00:22:27.279 --> 00:22:32.400
I thought, wow, honey, son, I have a very, very high level of integrity.
00:22:33.839 --> 00:22:35.039
Could you explain to me?
00:22:35.200 --> 00:22:37.839
He said, Well, Dad, you said you would play with me in 30 minutes.
00:22:38.000 --> 00:22:39.759
You took over an hour.
00:22:40.319 --> 00:22:45.920
And I could have said, Well, son, don't you know I I'm coaching the richest, smartest, most influential people on the planet.
00:22:46.079 --> 00:22:47.119
I have to look after them.
00:22:47.279 --> 00:22:48.000
But I didn't say it.
00:22:48.079 --> 00:22:50.720
I said, Honey, you're absolutely right.
00:22:50.880 --> 00:22:52.079
Please forgive me.
00:22:52.400 --> 00:22:54.960
Then I became more careful what I said.
00:22:55.200 --> 00:22:56.960
So we have to walk the talk.
00:22:57.039 --> 00:23:04.079
We can't say to our kids, don't eat chips, don't eat fries, don't eat this, don't drink coke, don't drink this.
00:23:04.240 --> 00:23:05.519
When we do it ourselves.
00:23:05.680 --> 00:23:07.200
So we have to walk the talk.
00:23:07.440 --> 00:23:12.640
So for an example, when my father walks into the room, I'd always stand up.
00:23:12.880 --> 00:23:13.839
Always.
00:23:14.799 --> 00:23:21.200
I could tell my kids to do that, but if they see me doing it, it's walking the talk.
00:23:21.519 --> 00:23:24.319
So be careful what you say to your kids.
00:23:25.359 --> 00:23:27.920
Be as truthful as you possibly can.
00:23:28.799 --> 00:23:32.319
And if they do something wrong, it's okay.
00:23:32.880 --> 00:23:34.400
It's not that important.
00:23:35.839 --> 00:23:40.240
Do you want to lose love for your child, or do you want to admonish him?
00:23:40.480 --> 00:23:42.079
Or do you want to love him?
00:23:42.640 --> 00:23:43.680
You want to love him.
00:23:43.839 --> 00:23:48.960
So be as loving as you possibly can, but you know, have boundaries.
00:23:49.279 --> 00:23:51.119
Be able to communicate with them.
00:23:51.440 --> 00:23:52.720
San, you did a bad thing.
00:23:52.880 --> 00:23:53.359
Do you agree?
00:23:53.519 --> 00:23:53.839
Yes.
00:23:54.079 --> 00:23:57.680
So son, you know you there should be a punishment, yes.
00:23:57.839 --> 00:23:59.759
But I'm not going to punish you.
00:24:00.559 --> 00:24:02.160
I want you to punish yourself.
00:24:02.240 --> 00:24:03.920
What punishment would you give yourself?
00:24:04.400 --> 00:24:06.319
Normally the child will give a bigger punishment.
00:24:07.119 --> 00:24:09.920
I acknowledge you for coming up with that.
00:24:10.319 --> 00:24:12.319
I'm going to settle for a hug.
00:24:13.759 --> 00:24:15.680
How do you think he's going to feel?
00:24:16.559 --> 00:24:17.200
Good.
00:24:17.599 --> 00:24:18.880
Beautiful, isn't it?
00:24:19.039 --> 00:24:19.680
Yeah.
00:24:20.240 --> 00:24:23.200
I love that, the idea of having them come up with their own punishment.
00:24:23.440 --> 00:24:26.720
Well, and I mean, among all the other things you said, that just stood out to me.
00:24:26.799 --> 00:24:43.440
But I think what you said was beautiful too, because I think that in the like modern parenting paradigm, I think we're seeing more parents take feedback from kids, but I don't think it's the norm yet, where kids can speak freely to their parents about their experience, about what's going on.
00:24:43.680 --> 00:24:49.200
I know when my daughter was little, it was important to me that she feel comfortable telling me anything, right?
00:24:49.440 --> 00:24:56.480
Sometimes she would tell me stuff that I would really have to take a minute to process before I was ready to respond to her.
00:24:56.799 --> 00:25:04.400
But I always tried to use the word like thank you for that feedback, you know, whether it was about dinner, whether it was about how it handled a situation.
00:25:04.640 --> 00:25:15.519
At the time, it felt a little bit weird because she's little and I'm like taking my directions from a three-year-old, but I also felt like the relationship we were building was something I was going to invest in long term.
00:25:15.920 --> 00:25:21.680
I wanted to set the patterns as the beginning for how the relationship would extend throughout our lives together.
00:25:21.920 --> 00:25:26.079
And so I think a lot of times culturally, that's not the norm, right?
00:25:26.240 --> 00:25:43.279
If you take feedback from your three-year-old, a lot of times your friends or family, whoever, they're maybe not necessarily on board with the parent not being the boss, not necessarily on board with the parent allowing the child to, like you're saying, have some different adventures than maybe what other parents allow, or invite learning.
00:25:43.440 --> 00:25:46.240
How do you help families put that into perspective?
00:25:46.400 --> 00:25:58.160
How do you help people acknowledge that awareness they have that what they're doing is maybe against the grain, but then also feel a sense of confidence about that action and its eventual outcome?
00:25:58.640 --> 00:26:02.480
And you said something very interesting, letting know who's the boss.
00:26:03.119 --> 00:26:06.720
Why would you be a boss of someone so valuable?
00:26:06.960 --> 00:26:09.680
So you know the biggest mistake parents make?
00:26:10.559 --> 00:26:11.680
Let's hear it.
00:26:12.079 --> 00:26:13.200
Having kids.
00:26:16.240 --> 00:26:20.400
You see, if if parents didn't have kids, there'd be no parenting issues.
00:26:23.200 --> 00:26:26.799
So the the biggest mistake parents make is this.
00:26:26.960 --> 00:26:31.759
They expect the child to come into the adult world.
00:26:32.160 --> 00:26:34.079
That's why you have adolescent behavior.
00:26:34.160 --> 00:26:41.279
When I was your age, I had three paper rounds, I would walk to school barefoot, I would do this, I would do that.
00:26:41.440 --> 00:26:42.799
We had no electricity.
00:26:43.039 --> 00:26:44.480
They don't want to hear that.
00:26:45.279 --> 00:26:46.480
Get into their world.
00:26:46.640 --> 00:26:47.519
What are their fears?
00:26:47.599 --> 00:26:48.960
What are their concerns?
00:26:49.119 --> 00:26:50.480
What do they love to do?
00:26:50.720 --> 00:26:53.920
The most important thing you can do with your children is this.
00:26:54.319 --> 00:26:56.480
Check out who their friends are.
00:26:56.720 --> 00:27:06.160
And if any of their friends are, you know, badly behaved, don't let them be friends with them.
00:27:06.400 --> 00:27:10.400
We stopped our kids or a number of kids that were badly behaved.
00:27:10.480 --> 00:27:11.759
We're not having that.
00:27:13.119 --> 00:27:15.119
It makes such a difference.
00:27:16.240 --> 00:27:17.759
Don't do that.
00:27:18.000 --> 00:27:20.160
Spend time with your kids, listen to them.
00:27:20.400 --> 00:27:21.279
They're not in charge.
00:27:21.440 --> 00:27:22.400
You're not in charge.
00:27:22.640 --> 00:27:26.880
You're coming to a mutual conversation with a mutual agreement.
00:27:27.680 --> 00:27:30.400
So listen to your kids.
00:27:30.720 --> 00:27:31.839
What are they fearful?
00:27:32.240 --> 00:27:33.200
What are they going through?
00:27:33.359 --> 00:27:34.079
Who are their friends?
00:27:34.240 --> 00:27:35.599
What's their favorite music?
00:27:35.920 --> 00:27:37.279
How old are your kids?
00:27:37.759 --> 00:27:39.599
I have a 16-year-old girl.
00:27:39.920 --> 00:27:40.240
Okay.
00:27:40.799 --> 00:27:48.240
So when I asked Lindsay about her child, she lit up.
00:27:50.559 --> 00:27:53.920
It just tells me how much love there is between you two.
00:27:54.319 --> 00:27:56.960
So when you pick her up from school, do you pick her up from school?
00:27:57.279 --> 00:27:58.240
Not anymore.
00:27:58.880 --> 00:27:59.200
Okay.
00:28:01.119 --> 00:28:07.039
So when she was 12 and you picked her up from school, what's the first thing you said to her?
00:28:07.759 --> 00:28:09.200
Hey, sis, how would you be?
00:28:09.759 --> 00:28:09.920
Yeah.
00:28:10.160 --> 00:28:11.920
Never ever ask that.
00:28:12.640 --> 00:28:12.960
Okay.
00:28:13.759 --> 00:28:15.599
Because they're being interrogated.
00:28:16.880 --> 00:28:17.200
Yeah?
00:28:17.359 --> 00:28:18.880
Hey, what should I say?
00:28:19.599 --> 00:28:25.920
Wind down the windows, play her favorite music, and she comes into the into the car.
00:28:27.039 --> 00:28:28.079
I five.
00:28:29.519 --> 00:28:32.960
Then go and then say, hey, what would you like to do right now?
00:28:33.119 --> 00:28:35.039
And she might say pizza or ice cream.
00:28:35.119 --> 00:28:35.680
It's okay.
00:28:35.920 --> 00:28:36.640
Just take her.
00:28:36.799 --> 00:28:37.759
You don't do that every time.
00:28:38.240 --> 00:28:45.279
And then ask her this question: hey, what was fun, exciting, magical, funny about today?
00:28:45.440 --> 00:28:47.279
Not was there anything, what was?
00:28:49.359 --> 00:28:51.039
They just had a hard debt school.
00:28:51.119 --> 00:28:52.160
They got up early.
00:28:52.799 --> 00:28:54.480
You force them to eat.
00:28:54.640 --> 00:28:57.359
They had all this trauma at school.
00:28:57.599 --> 00:29:00.880
And then the first thing you say, tell me what happened today.
00:29:01.039 --> 00:29:01.920
How was your day?
00:29:02.400 --> 00:29:02.720
Okay.
00:29:03.039 --> 00:29:03.519
Ugh.
00:29:04.160 --> 00:29:05.200
Don't do that.
00:29:06.079 --> 00:29:09.680
All her friends are gonna say, Oh my god, your mom is awesome.
00:29:11.680 --> 00:29:13.200
Now she's 16, yeah?
00:29:13.519 --> 00:29:13.680
Yeah.
00:29:13.920 --> 00:29:15.440
What's her favorite music?
00:29:16.079 --> 00:29:18.079
She's got a good mix of music.
00:29:18.240 --> 00:29:20.880
I mean, we both love listening to Taylor Swift.
00:29:21.039 --> 00:29:22.799
She has a rowing playlist.
00:29:22.880 --> 00:29:25.599
She's a rower, so it's a lot of upbeat, energetic.
00:29:25.680 --> 00:29:27.599
It's just a variety of different artists.
00:29:27.839 --> 00:29:29.359
Okay, so let's roleplay.
00:29:29.599 --> 00:29:30.480
What's her name?
00:29:30.799 --> 00:29:31.519
Jessica.
00:29:31.759 --> 00:29:34.720
Hey Jessica, what's your favorite band?
00:29:35.759 --> 00:29:38.079
Right now, I really like Dom Dalla.
00:29:39.039 --> 00:29:39.359
Okay.
00:29:39.680 --> 00:29:42.160
Is that the band you would like to go and watch?
00:29:43.279 --> 00:29:43.759
I don't know.
00:29:43.839 --> 00:29:46.640
I had a lot of fun at the Taylor Swift concert last year.
00:29:46.880 --> 00:29:48.400
But she's not touring right now.
00:29:48.480 --> 00:29:49.599
So yeah, maybe.
00:29:50.000 --> 00:29:50.319
Okay.
00:29:50.559 --> 00:29:53.119
So can you find out when they're local to us?
00:29:53.279 --> 00:29:54.960
I want to get you two tickets.
00:29:55.680 --> 00:29:56.319
Yeah.
00:29:57.359 --> 00:29:59.359
You and your best friend.
00:29:59.680 --> 00:30:01.359
That would be awesome.
00:30:02.160 --> 00:30:02.480
Great.
00:30:02.559 --> 00:30:04.000
I'd be happy to do that.
00:30:04.480 --> 00:30:08.400
So what's her best friend going to say about you when you take her there?
00:30:08.799 --> 00:30:10.960
She just doesn't think I'm great.
00:30:12.000 --> 00:30:12.640
Yeah.
00:30:13.519 --> 00:30:15.119
We have to get into their world.
00:30:15.279 --> 00:30:21.279
If you get into their world, I promise you this there is no adolescent behavior because you understand them.
00:30:21.440 --> 00:30:24.240
You're experiencing what they're experiencing.
00:30:25.200 --> 00:30:26.559
Yeah, that's so powerful.
00:30:26.720 --> 00:30:28.160
Well, I'm gonna ask her that today.
00:30:28.240 --> 00:30:30.160
What was the most magical part of your day?
00:30:30.400 --> 00:30:40.079
I love the direction, like the encouragement to take the thoughts about the day in a specific direction and then to connect from that place.
00:30:40.400 --> 00:30:41.039
Yeah.
00:30:42.319 --> 00:30:52.480
In addition to what we've talked about, which is love, obviously, and that sense of acceptance, communication, making sure we're entering their world instead of wanting them to be a part of ours.
00:30:52.799 --> 00:30:55.839
How can we reduce stress in our family life?
00:30:55.920 --> 00:30:56.720
What are some other ways?
00:30:56.799 --> 00:30:59.039
We can just bring the stress level down.
00:30:59.680 --> 00:31:00.000
Okay.
00:31:00.480 --> 00:31:04.880
So the quality of our life, it depends on the quality of the questions we ask.
00:31:05.119 --> 00:31:08.240
So what would be a better quality question?
00:31:08.720 --> 00:31:10.079
For me to ask you.
00:31:10.319 --> 00:31:10.799
Yeah.
00:31:11.119 --> 00:31:11.440
Okay.
00:31:12.400 --> 00:31:26.000
Can you give me a specific way to practice awareness around optimal stress levels and bring them down when we notice that the family stress levels are getting elevated beyond the point of helpfulness?
00:31:26.319 --> 00:31:26.640
Okay.
00:31:26.960 --> 00:31:32.799
So the question I would ask is how can we have more joy in our relationships?
00:31:33.119 --> 00:31:33.440
Okay.
00:31:33.920 --> 00:31:38.160
Then if you do that, the stress will disappear.
00:31:38.480 --> 00:31:38.799
Okay.
00:31:39.119 --> 00:31:44.079
It's like when you take a tablet for a headache, you don't know the exact moment it disappears.
00:31:44.559 --> 00:31:45.200
Right?
00:31:45.599 --> 00:31:52.720
So if you come home late at night, houses are completely dark, what would you do?
00:31:53.200 --> 00:31:54.319
Turn on the lights.
00:31:54.720 --> 00:31:55.039
Okay.
00:31:55.359 --> 00:31:58.079
Would you ever go in and remove the darkness?
00:31:59.119 --> 00:32:00.799
Would I go remove the darkness?
00:32:00.960 --> 00:32:02.240
Oh, I see what you're saying.
00:32:02.400 --> 00:32:04.319
No, I mean there's not a way to do that.
00:32:04.640 --> 00:32:04.960
Yeah.
00:32:05.200 --> 00:32:10.880
So by you saying how can I reduce stress, you're trying to remove the darkness.
00:32:11.119 --> 00:32:13.119
All you have to do is be the light.
00:32:15.039 --> 00:32:16.079
That's great.
00:32:17.519 --> 00:32:18.960
Yeah, I know that's awesome.
00:32:19.119 --> 00:32:20.160
So I see what you're saying.
00:32:20.319 --> 00:32:25.359
You want me to ask you how to bring more joy into family life.
00:32:26.160 --> 00:32:30.160
By doing that, isn't it gonna be less stress?
00:32:30.480 --> 00:32:31.839
Yeah, for sure.
00:32:32.079 --> 00:32:32.720
Yeah.
00:32:33.680 --> 00:32:36.160
So I would I'll share the secret with you.
00:32:36.400 --> 00:32:36.720
Okay.
00:32:36.880 --> 00:32:38.640
We would sit around the dinner table.
00:32:38.799 --> 00:32:40.799
I would ask my wife this question.
00:32:41.119 --> 00:32:44.559
Honey, what did you do today that you were not thanked for?
00:32:46.400 --> 00:32:48.079
I cooked this amazing meal.
00:32:48.240 --> 00:32:52.160
My my wife would say, I would thank her, my son would thank her, my daughter would thank her.
00:32:52.240 --> 00:32:54.400
They were thinking nine and seven at the time.00:32:54.880 --> 00:32:59.359
Okay, then I would ask the same question to my son, my daughter, and me.00:32:59.920 --> 00:33:03.519
Next question is what act of kindness did you see today?00:33:03.680 --> 00:33:06.319
Not did you see an act of kindness, what act of kindness?00:33:06.400 --> 00:33:08.160
So they have to answer positively.00:33:08.480 --> 00:33:11.440
My wife, my son, my daughter, me.00:33:11.759 --> 00:33:14.240
What act of kindness did you perform today?00:33:14.480 --> 00:33:16.960
My wife, my daughter, my son, me.00:33:17.359 --> 00:33:19.200
What are you grateful for?00:33:19.519 --> 00:33:21.039
Go round the table.00:33:22.240 --> 00:33:23.039
What did you see?00:33:23.200 --> 00:33:24.480
What did you notice today?00:33:24.720 --> 00:33:26.160
Go round the table.00:33:26.640 --> 00:33:29.920
Is there anything on your mind that you want clarity on?00:33:30.079 --> 00:33:31.279
Go round the table.00:33:32.480 --> 00:33:37.279
And the last one is what was fun, exciting, magical, funny about today?00:33:37.440 --> 00:33:38.240
Go round the table.00:33:38.400 --> 00:33:44.319
Okay now, next day, my son, who was nine at the time, would be in charge.00:33:46.240 --> 00:33:51.519
Next day, my daughter, who is seven at the time, would be in charge, then my wife would be in charge.00:33:52.000 --> 00:33:54.480
They have to have a high level of awareness.00:33:54.880 --> 00:34:06.319
They have to show up respectfully, they have to be leaders, they become public speakers, they're confident, and they have the ability to communicate.00:34:06.480 --> 00:34:09.360
One day my daughter said, Dad, I'm having a problem at school.00:34:09.519 --> 00:34:10.239
I said, Great.00:34:10.480 --> 00:34:11.840
Said, Dad, what's great about it?00:34:11.920 --> 00:34:13.280
You don't even know the problem.00:34:13.519 --> 00:34:16.960
So I see this, there's always a way.00:34:17.360 --> 00:34:19.199
No matter what it is, there's always a way.00:34:19.280 --> 00:34:19.920
There's always a way.00:34:20.000 --> 00:34:21.199
There's always a way.00:34:22.559 --> 00:34:30.000
This one exercise would reduce, elevate your levels of joy, and hence reduce the stress levels.00:34:30.400 --> 00:34:32.559
It's a game changer, Lindsay.00:34:32.880 --> 00:34:34.719
Yeah, it sounds like it.00:34:35.119 --> 00:34:38.079
I'm just sad we're having this conversation when I have a 16-year-old.00:34:38.159 --> 00:34:40.079
And, you know, not when I had a three-year-old.00:34:40.239 --> 00:34:43.599
But I'm so grateful this wisdom has been fantastic.00:34:43.679 --> 00:34:46.559
And I'm still thinking about all the different things that you said.00:34:46.960 --> 00:34:48.719
Do you feel like what you just shared?00:34:48.800 --> 00:34:51.840
Is that kind of a way to help our family be the best version of themselves?00:34:52.079 --> 00:34:58.079
Anything else you would add as we think about how can we help our family be the best versions of ourselves that we can be?00:34:58.639 --> 00:35:00.960
So I've got a few PDFs.00:35:01.280 --> 00:35:07.440
One is the dinner conversation, one is the happiness formula, and one is the greatest gift you can give your kids.00:35:07.519 --> 00:35:10.639
So we can offer that to all your audiences on one condition.00:35:10.960 --> 00:35:11.280
Okay.00:35:11.840 --> 00:35:16.800
They have to perform five acts of kindness, make a commitment to perform five acts of kindness.00:35:17.039 --> 00:35:21.119
When you perform an act of kindness, you receive endorphins, you feel good.00:35:21.360 --> 00:35:24.239
The person receiving the act of kindness feels good.00:35:24.800 --> 00:35:26.880
Person sharing the act of kindness feels good.00:35:26.960 --> 00:35:28.559
So it continues on and on.00:35:28.800 --> 00:35:33.199
When you perform an act of kindness, all your pain and suffering disappears.00:35:33.840 --> 00:35:35.519
That's the first part of the formula.00:35:35.679 --> 00:35:40.719
The second part is to be grateful for what you have and not focus on what you don't have.00:35:40.800 --> 00:35:45.679
And the third part is you have to grow emotionally, physically, spiritually, mentally, and financially.00:35:45.920 --> 00:35:49.039
So happiness is equal to G times G times G.00:35:50.239 --> 00:35:51.199
Today's the day.00:35:51.360 --> 00:35:55.119
The decisions you make today will create a brand new destiny.00:35:55.679 --> 00:35:57.199
Decide to be a better parent.00:35:57.360 --> 00:36:02.800
Decide to be a better daughter, a better wife, a better husband, a better child, a better friend.00:36:03.119 --> 00:36:06.880
Be so amazing, you cannot be ignored, and your life will change.00:36:08.800 --> 00:36:10.000
Mic drop.00:36:12.400 --> 00:36:13.519
Thank you so much.00:36:13.840 --> 00:36:15.360
I'm still back where we were talking about that.00:36:15.440 --> 00:36:17.840
I can't turn off the darkness and I have to just add joy.00:36:18.000 --> 00:36:22.480
So this it's gonna take me a while to process all this, and I'm sure the same for our audience.00:36:22.800 --> 00:36:25.679
But I am really, really grateful for your time today.00:36:25.840 --> 00:36:31.440
Thank you so much for joining us, for sharing your message here and in all the places that you do.00:36:31.679 --> 00:36:35.519
Will you help our audience know how they can learn more about you and your work?00:36:35.840 --> 00:36:37.119
We'll link the downloads.00:36:37.280 --> 00:36:38.559
Where else can they find you?00:36:38.880 --> 00:36:39.280
Sure.00:36:39.440 --> 00:36:44.400
The best place is my website, meetaneil.com, and you'll get free resources there.00:36:44.559 --> 00:36:48.559
I'm sure you'll add my Instagram, Facebook.00:36:49.119 --> 00:36:50.239
I'm happy to serve.00:36:50.400 --> 00:36:54.079
If anyone's got burning issues in their eyes, we can address that very quickly.00:36:54.239 --> 00:36:55.920
I've been doing this for 27 years.00:36:56.079 --> 00:36:57.280
Happy to help.00:36:57.599 --> 00:36:59.039
Thank you so much.00:36:59.599 --> 00:37:00.960
No, thank you.00:37:01.760 --> 00:37:03.920
Thanks for listening to the Stress Nanny.00:37:04.000 --> 00:37:09.519
If you found today's episode helpful, be sure to share it with a friend who could use a little extra calm in their week.00:37:09.679 --> 00:37:12.159
And if you have a minute, I'd love for you to leave a review.00:37:12.239 --> 00:37:15.519
It helps other parents find the show and join us on this journey.00:37:15.679 --> 00:37:20.719
For more tools and support, head over to www.thestressnanny.com.00:37:20.880 --> 00:37:22.960
Remember, you don't have to do stress alone.00:37:23.119 --> 00:37:27.119
Together we can raise kids who know how to navigate life with confidence and ease.00:37:27.280 --> 00:37:30.960
Until next time, take a deep breath and give yourself some grace.
