April 2, 2026

Episode 212 Raising Resilient Teens: Confidence, Self-Worth & Emotional Fluency

Episode 212 Raising Resilient Teens: Confidence, Self-Worth & Emotional Fluency

Your teenager came to you upset. You said "go sort yourself out." Here's what they actually needed. In this episode, Lindsay sits down with Laura Ollinger — teen and parent wellbeing coach, speaker and mom of FOUR teenagers (yes, all at once) — for a conversation that is equal parts real talk and practical gold. Laura shares how a personal tragedy and her daughter's anxiety brought her back to school in her 40s, and why she built a coaching practice that works with both kids AND parents — bec...

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Season 11

Your teenager came to you upset. You said "go sort yourself out." Here's what they actually needed.

In this episode, Lindsay sits down with Laura Ollinger — teen and parent wellbeing coach, speaker and mom of FOUR teenagers (yes, all at once) — for a conversation that is equal parts real talk and practical gold.

Laura shares how a personal tragedy and her daughter's anxiety brought her back to school in her 40s, and why she built a coaching practice that works with both kids AND parents — because coaching a teen once a week means nothing if the home environment isn't on board.

This one is a must-listen if your teen has ever come home emotional and you didn't quite know what to do with it.


What We Cover

  • The Big 5 stressors teens are navigating right now
  • The think-feel-do-have cycle and how subconscious beliefs quietly run the show
  • How to listen for "black and white" language in your teen and what to do when you hear it
  • Why emotional fluency at the dinner table is one of the most powerful things you can build
  • The difference between "was there anything good?" and "what was good?" (tiny, but it changes everything)
  • What a calm, connected family culture actually looks like — spoiler: it's not perfect, it's present
  • How keeping an emotional pulse on your kids, without judgment, is success worth celebrating


Key Takeaway

You don't need a perfect family. You need a connected one. If you know your son is tired and worried about algebra, and your daughter had a rough day before she even walked through the door — that awareness IS the work. Give yourself the credit.


Resources + Links Mentioned

  • Laura Ollinger's website: positivelyhealthycoaching.com
  • Laura's podcast: The Positively Healthy Mom
  • Good Inside by Dr. Becky Kennedy (bench metaphor)


Connect with Laura

  • Website: positivelyhealthycoaching.com
  • Find all her social links on her website


Loved this episode?

Share it with a parent in your life who could use a little more calm this week. And if you have a minute, leave a review — it helps other families find the show.

For more tools and support: thestressnanny.com

Lindsay Miller is a distinguished kids mindfulness coach, mindfulness educator and host of The Stress Nanny Podcast. She is known for her suitcase tricks and playful laugh. When she's not cheering on her daughter or rollerblading on local trails with her husband, you can find her using her 20+ years of child development study and mindfulness certification to dream up new ways to get kids excited about deep breathing. Having been featured on numerous podcasts, platforms and publications, Lindsay’s words of wisdom are high impact and leave a lasting impression wherever she goes.

To sign up for Lindsay's "Calm & Collected" Newsletter click here.

To review the podcast click here.

00:20 - Welcome And Meet Laura

01:55 - A Personal Path Into Coaching

06:22 - The Big Five Family Stressors

08:53 - Self Worth Builds Resilience

14:32 - Staying With Big Teen Feelings

22:44 - Teaching Life Skills Step By Step

30:58 - Naming Feelings Without Getting Stuck

37:07 - Creating A Calm Connected Home

WEBVTT

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Welcome to the Stress Nanny, the podcast where we help kids and parents build calm, confidence, and connection.

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I'm your host, Lindsay Miller, Kids Mindfulness Coach and Cheerleader for Busy Families Everywhere.

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Each week we'll explore simple tools, uplifting stories, and practical strategies to help your child learn emotional regulation, resilience, and self-confidence, while giving you a little more peace of mind too.

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I'm so glad you're here.

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My guest today is Laura Ollinger.

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She's a teen and parent well-being coach, speaker, and certified parent-child whisperer who helps families move from stress and disconnection to calm confidence and connection.

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A mom of four teens, she brings humor, heart, and science to the challenges of raising emotionally healthy kids in a noisy comparison-driven world.

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Blending neuroscience and positive psychology, Laura teaches practical mindset and communication tools that help parents model the self-worth, confidence, and resilience their kids need to thrive.

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Her signature keynote, The Decider, empowers both teens and parents to focus on what they can control, strengthen emotional resilience, and lead with intention instead of fear.

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Laura holds a master's in health and wellness education, is a National Board certified health and wellness coach, and a licensed neuroencoding specialist.

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She has trained under Tony Robbins, Joseph McClendon III, Dr.

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Daniel Eymon, Dr.

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Shafali, Love and Logic, and Positive Parenting Solutions, and she's based in Austin, Texas.

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Laura, thank you so much for joining me today.

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I'm so excited for our conversation.

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Yeah, thanks so much.

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I'm excited to be here.

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Okay, so talk to us a little bit before we get started about how you got into this work and what about supporting families in this way is meaningful to you.

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Thank you for asking that.

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It's very, very personal to me.

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So years ago, there was a series of events that happened in my family.

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And I was already interested in the work, but that kind of compounded my, I guess, intensity and speed into which I got started.

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And so the first thing was my nephew died by suicide when he was 20 years old.

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And obviously, I don't even need to explain that, but that was profound.

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And the other thing was my daughter, she had been struggling with anxiety at school from even almost like first grade, sometimes looking back at it, but really fourth grade is when it took hold.

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And so it was kind of like as a mom, how can I help her?

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What resources are available?

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And then that's just what got me started.

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So I went back to school in my 40s.

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I got a master's in health and wellness education.

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I'm National Board certified health and wellness coach.

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I'm also a life coach, which is kind of a lot of neuropsychology.

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So just all sorts of certifications in there, neurolinguistic programming, all these things.

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And so I combine that with a lot of parenting education.

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And so to me, it's important to talk to the parent because I do most of my clients are teenagers.

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That's who I work with.

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I coach one-on-one.

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But I have a very important part of my program, which is I include the parents in on that because I can coach a team once a week for an hour.

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But unless you have that support, it's not going to stick.

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It's not going to hold.

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Like I was saying to a mom recently, she really wanted me to do some of the heavy lifting.

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I said, Yeah, but what happens if in a year or two years something else happens?

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You're not going to call me back and rehire me.

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You need to be able to have the tools and the resources to be able to kind of take it from here.

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So that's how I got into it.

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Yeah, no, I can relate to that so deeply because similarly, I work with kids, the youngest is six and up to 18.

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And it is so important when you have the parents learning alongside the kids because they feel empowered, right?

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Like you're saying, they've got what they need in order to address different situations that come up or apply the tools in different moments.

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So I love that's part of the way that you approach coaching as well.

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And it does sound like such a meaningful entry point, right?

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Where it's like sometimes what our kids need, it gives us the motivation to learn and grow and stretch in ways that maybe we wouldn't have otherwise.

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Right.

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And then I'm so sorry about your nephew.

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Like the meaning that comes from honoring someone's struggles with the work that you do in the world.

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That's that's pretty incredible, also.

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Yeah, thank you so much.

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And it's funny how I'm my own client many days because I have four kids.

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I have four teenagers right now.

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My oldest is now a senior in high school, closing out the semester here, getting ready to graduate.

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But I also have a sophomore, a freshman, and a seventh grader.

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And so things that I teach my own clients, I do all the time with my own kids or on myself.

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I mean, I don't coach my kids, but just some of the tools that I use, I just make that up.

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But they don't even know I'm doing it just because they just think that's who I am, which I am.

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Like you become, you become really your ideal client because you are a living, breathing example of the types of things that we talk about on a daily basis.

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Yeah, a hundred percent.

00:05:02.879 --> 00:05:09.600
And I think too, my daughter Jessica and I will talk a lot about how she's my biggest teacher, right?

00:05:09.920 --> 00:05:22.000
And I think that's what you're talking about, also, to where if she is struggling with something or if she's trying to make some progress with something, and I'm trying to figure out like what support she needs in order to do that.

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Sometimes there's a clear path to that support, and sometimes you do a little research and digging and you figure it out.

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Yeah.

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And then in those moments, you're at least for me, I'm like, I want this to be something everyone has access to, right?

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You put the effort in to kind of figure out the solutions or creatively address developmental hurdle, and you're like, hey, let's crowdsource this because moms, we gotta help each other out wherever we can, right?

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And so giving voice to that wisdom that we've received from interacting with kids, I feel like is meaningful too.

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Yeah, totally, a hundred percent.

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Yeah.

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Okay, well, one of the things I love too is that you use research-based methodology.

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You're drawing on this lived experience and coupling it with research, coupling it with practices that are proven to be supportive in different scenarios.

00:06:06.399 --> 00:06:12.000
So, given that approach, you're mindful of a lot of the stressors that modern families face, right?

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Because you're steeped in it yourself, and then you're navigating the research that you know is pointing to those issues.

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What do you see as some of the biggest stressors that the families navigate?

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Yeah.

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Well, there's the big five, I guess I'm calling them.

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It's worrying about their future, stress about future, future planning, what classes to take now, what college, what SAT, what ACT, you know, all the all that stuff, right?

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Like I could go on and on.

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Everybody knows they're like, oh yeah, I know what we're talking about.

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Appearance, kind of image, physical things related, social networks, social belonging.

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Do I fit in?

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Am I weird?

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Am I normal?

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I embarrass myself today, kind of just that inclusive part.

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And then we've got academics, right?

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That's kind of part of the future planning, but it's also just very much a lot of times kids really just internalize that.

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I'm good, I'm bad.

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I got a bad grade, I'm not smart, right?

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And so it might not have anything to do with the future, but it's how they see themselves on the inside.

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And then last, just the pressure with the extracurriculars.

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That's a big one.

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I do tons, so I have my own podcast.

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It's the positively healthy mom, which I'd love to have you as a guest on there.

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And I've had so many coaches as guests come on my podcast because it's just a conversation that keeps happening over and over again.

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How extreme pressure kids feel.

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And then same with parents and the amount of money we put into these things and club sports.

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And are they gonna play in college or did we do all this for nothing?

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That's like what some parents think, right?

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It's the opposite, right?

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Like if you're doing something amazing for your kid, they are getting so much out of it.

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It does not have to lead to a future in professional sports.

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So, yeah, so those are the big ones.

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And what I mentioned, kids are feeling this every day, right?

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Every single day.

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And I think about the amount of pressure we felt growing up, and that's nothing compared to, and then we're gonna put the whole blanket on top of this, the social media where everything that I just mentioned is then advertised in some way, shape, or form on social media or kind of thrown in our face or made to, you know, just sometimes compare, think less of ourselves because we're seeing other people and we're like, oh, well, I didn't get that right.

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It's just human nature to do that.

00:08:16.480 --> 00:08:22.560
So that's all the stuff, which I'm sure everybody hearing this can like totally relate to at least one, if not all those things.

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Oh, 100%.

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Yeah.

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No, and I love how succinctly you just categorized everything.

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Because I think that there's so much value in naming it to tame it, right?

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And how when we can identify the stressor, we can work with it more skillfully.

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But if it's just this like random feeling of foreboding, we just don't really even know what to do with it, right?

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But if we can say, here, it's probably one of these five, let's look at it and see.

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Because there's some things we do to build resilience that are general, right?

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And that can address each of those five areas in different ways.

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But there's this baseline resilience that we're trying to teach kids.

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There's a confidence piece to that, right?

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And there's a self-worth piece to that.

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So talk to us about those two things specifically.

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How do confidence and self-worth kind of help us build this foundation through which we can garner some strength to address each of those areas?

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Yeah, you kind of said that where it is the foundation, it's the piece.

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It's no matter where you show up in your life, if you believe in yourself, you believe you're worthy, you believe you have a place at the table or a belonging in some sense, that's gonna build on itself a positive cycle.

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And everything that you do is then gonna be an upward cycle.

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So for example, I teach this model, which most people are familiar with in our world.

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Sorry, not everybody, which is just think, feel, do have.

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So our thoughts, you know, come from our beliefs.

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And most of the time, our beliefs are not necessarily something we consciously go around thinking about.

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People think the belief is just like, oh, I believe in Santa Claus.

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That's not what I'm talking about.

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It's these internal subconscious beliefs that we start to build from the time we're born, really, and we gain these or gather these from our environment, a lot at times mostly from our parents, any other caregivers that might be in the house or that we have a lot of like close contact with.

00:10:09.519 --> 00:10:15.360
So, anyway, our beliefs are what kind of the backbone of our thoughts, and our thoughts create our feelings about things.

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Our feelings create our behaviors, and then our behaviors create those actions, and those actions create the results.

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So it's think, feel, do, we do, and then we have.

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This is what we have because of what we did.

00:10:27.440 --> 00:10:28.480
Yeah, I love that.

00:10:28.559 --> 00:10:29.600
That's such a great model.

00:10:29.759 --> 00:10:34.000
And I have a different conceptualization for it with similar underpinnings, right?

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And I think that there's so much value in, like you said, identifying the kind of subconscious or non-voluntary thoughts that are a part of that, right?

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To where there are moments where we are thinking a thing and we might get really stuck in it, and only to realize, like, actually, do I that's not even true, you know, valid, resonant.

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This is one of my favorite things to help kids with.

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What are some of the things you do to help people a just stop and identify the thought, right?

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Because half the time we're like five miles down the beaten path with a thought before we realize, oh, is this even a thought I want to be following?

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How do you help people stop and recognize and then be selective?

00:11:15.360 --> 00:11:16.320
Yeah, great question.

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So, my way of going about it is I'm just listening to the language.

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So, what I'm looking for is all or nothing, extreme statements, black or white.

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Nobody likes me.

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I'm never gonna learn how to do this thing.

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I am never gonna be popular, I'm never gonna get into a good college, or even things that are not as black and white, but things that are not empowering.

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So language like this is so hard, it's so difficult, I can't do it, right?

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And so it's like, really?

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It's really hard.

00:11:47.120 --> 00:11:48.320
Okay, tell me how it's hard.

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There's like five steps to do my science project, and so it's so hard because there's all these steps.

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Okay, how can we make it easy?

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Kids like, I don't know.

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I'm like, okay, let's figure out how can we make this easy?

00:11:59.679 --> 00:12:04.159
Okay, so we can take five steps, maybe split them up over five weeks.

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Maybe we do one a week.

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Is that easy?

00:12:06.240 --> 00:12:07.440
Yeah, that's easy, right?

00:12:07.759 --> 00:12:16.399
So, really, what I'm doing is I like to say I'm playing lawyer where I can disprove anything that they're trying to tell me, and then that's when they start to question it.

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And it's not my job to question their beliefs, it's their job to question their beliefs.

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I'm just asking the questions.

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I'm just kind of throwing stuff against the wall and see what sticks because I don't know them.

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It really is hard.

00:12:28.480 --> 00:12:35.840
But if I ask enough questions, they're gonna find a oh maybe a break in that where it's like, oh wait, actually, yeah, I can do that.

00:12:35.919 --> 00:12:37.759
Maybe it's not that hard after all, right?

00:12:38.080 --> 00:12:38.960
Yeah, totally.

00:12:39.120 --> 00:12:40.960
Like a way to make it manageable.

00:12:41.200 --> 00:12:42.240
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:12:42.399 --> 00:12:45.039
And I love what you said about like how can we make it easy?

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And I think one of the things I was just telling a story about this the other day, where my daughter came home and she'd had a rough workout.

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She's a rower and she'd had a really rough work workout.

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Hadn't gone the way she wanted.

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And you know, rowing is one of those sports where it's like swimming, where your numbers are telling you the direct feedback every time, right?

00:13:02.639 --> 00:13:06.639
And so anyway, it was interesting because I said, Well, how are you feeling right now?

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And then I was like, Well, how do you want to be feeling right now?

00:13:09.600 --> 00:13:09.840
Right.

00:13:09.919 --> 00:13:11.440
It's and it's like what you're saying.

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If we can envision a different scenario and just get there with some words, there's very little else that has to change, right?

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If we can change a situation with our thoughts.

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Because then if the strategy can come, right, the creativity can come and we can reframe it.

00:13:25.120 --> 00:13:25.679
So I love that.

00:13:25.840 --> 00:13:28.639
You look for the crack and like, where's their space to reframe?

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Where is there space to envision a different scenario that's more aligned with how I want to be feeling in this moment and less aligned with this feeling, like a heavy, impossible feeling?

00:13:38.399 --> 00:13:38.799
Mm-hmm.

00:13:39.360 --> 00:13:45.360
And really finding out what's important to the individual, because I find that some people have just this death grip.

00:13:45.519 --> 00:13:50.399
It's like this desire or need to control something so badly.

00:13:50.559 --> 00:13:52.559
And we ask, what is really important?

00:13:52.879 --> 00:13:54.080
What's underneath that?

00:13:54.240 --> 00:13:55.919
What are you really getting from that?

00:13:56.159 --> 00:14:00.399
We find that it's really not that thing at all, that really what they're needing is something else.

00:14:00.559 --> 00:14:04.159
And so then they can just like just relax, just breathe.

00:14:04.320 --> 00:14:06.960
Oh, I can get this need met by doing this other thing.

00:14:07.120 --> 00:14:10.960
That actually makes me feel better than trying so hard to control this thing.

00:14:11.279 --> 00:14:12.000
Totally.

00:14:12.240 --> 00:14:13.440
Yeah, I love that.

00:14:13.600 --> 00:14:17.679
And it's really interesting too, because it's a simple shift, right?

00:14:17.840 --> 00:14:25.279
When I'm talking with parents, and I'm sure when you're talking with parents, there's this tendency to want the discomfort to go away.

00:14:25.440 --> 00:14:26.639
And I feel that too, right?

00:14:26.720 --> 00:14:31.840
When I'm talking to my teenager and or my dog is barking in the background of our podcast and it's uncomfortable.

00:14:32.080 --> 00:14:33.919
I'm wanting that tendency to go away, right?

00:14:34.159 --> 00:14:35.279
I don't want to deal with it.

00:14:35.440 --> 00:14:37.919
And so I was talking to a friend the other day, and she's like, What do I do?

00:14:38.080 --> 00:14:40.159
My teenage son, he's just so emotional.

00:14:40.320 --> 00:14:42.720
And I'm like, Well, actually, that's his job right now.

00:14:42.799 --> 00:14:45.600
You know, I mean, it's actually good if he's coming to you with the emotions.

00:14:45.679 --> 00:14:47.039
Let's call that a win, right?

00:14:47.120 --> 00:14:47.360
Yeah.

00:14:47.600 --> 00:14:50.960
But I think that the tendency is to to maybe push it away.

00:14:51.039 --> 00:14:59.039
And she's like, Okay, because my MO has been to say you need to sort yourself out and then come back when you're sorted, or I don't want to see that, go figure it out.

00:14:59.120 --> 00:14:59.759
You know what I mean?

00:14:59.840 --> 00:15:04.240
And she's like, I know it's not good, but uh I don't know what to do with what he's feeling, and I don't want to feel that way either.

00:15:04.399 --> 00:15:07.120
So we're just kind of back and forth about figure yourself out.

00:15:07.279 --> 00:15:08.320
He doesn't have the tools.

00:15:08.559 --> 00:15:14.639
I think what you just described, there's so much there that it's just a choice to engage, right?

00:15:14.879 --> 00:15:25.120
Like this kind of creativity is something we can practice if we just choose to engage with our kid and their emotion or their discomfort or their angst or whatever it is, right?

00:15:26.480 --> 00:15:34.000
Yeah, and I even would say that I love that example of your friend because I would ask myself, what do I need in this moment?

00:15:34.159 --> 00:15:38.000
And then if I were that teenage boy, what would I need in this moment?

00:15:38.080 --> 00:15:41.600
And maybe what a teenager needs is just a listening ear.

00:15:41.840 --> 00:15:46.000
Maybe what he needs is no criticism, but somebody who can support him, right?

00:15:46.080 --> 00:15:47.600
And so it's just what do we need here?

00:15:47.759 --> 00:15:50.720
And then how as a parent can I provide that?

00:15:50.879 --> 00:15:54.559
How can I be a listening ear without the judgment, without the whatever?

00:15:54.799 --> 00:16:10.159
And sometimes I have a feeling you're really big on this, is just take the deep breath, take a pause, take five minutes, whatever you might need, so you can regulate, because I know it's like emotional regulation, and then okay, I'm ready for it.

00:16:10.240 --> 00:16:12.639
Come talk to me, share what's going on, right?

00:16:12.799 --> 00:16:19.200
And just be that open person and not that like you described, the pushing away or go figure it out yourself, right?

00:16:19.279 --> 00:16:21.360
It's like they don't have to, they don't need to.

00:16:21.519 --> 00:16:22.639
That's kind of our job, right?

00:16:22.720 --> 00:16:26.799
If we're really connected as a parent, our role is to be that person.

00:16:27.440 --> 00:16:29.120
Yeah, yeah, that's so well put.

00:16:29.200 --> 00:16:39.360
And I think in those moments, it's you know, for her, what it looked like was her sitting in her own uncertainty about how to handle it, right?

00:16:39.519 --> 00:16:49.519
And it's like what you said if you can just take the deep breath and be there and just be the person in the room taking the deep breath, I mean, that goes a really long way in those moments.

00:16:49.759 --> 00:16:56.720
And like you said, if you can just be present with whatever is going on, there's huge gains that happen, right?

00:16:56.799 --> 00:17:02.720
And sometimes without us doing anything except reflecting back or, like you said, asking a few simple questions.

00:17:03.039 --> 00:17:09.839
And I think my friend, she's a problem solver, she's like a strong boss lady businesswoman, right?

00:17:10.000 --> 00:17:12.400
And so she wants to fix the thing, right?

00:17:12.640 --> 00:17:18.160
You know, and as moms and parents in general, we generally want to try to help our kids at least fix the stuff.

00:17:18.319 --> 00:17:21.200
And so for her, yeah, it was definitely a reframe.

00:17:21.279 --> 00:17:35.359
And we talked a little bit about how her job was maybe just to be in the emotion with him, as you suggested, and be the person who could have a bit of steadiness amidst someone else's discomfort or dysregulation.

00:17:35.440 --> 00:17:39.119
And she was like, Oh, that's all I have to do.

00:17:39.599 --> 00:17:40.240
Yeah.

00:17:41.759 --> 00:17:44.559
And it's easier said than done sometimes, right?

00:17:44.799 --> 00:17:45.680
Yes, yeah.

00:17:45.920 --> 00:17:51.759
It's actually funny that that's how you described her because I do some amount of speaking to groups and whatnot.

00:17:51.839 --> 00:18:01.200
And uh, there's a talk that I'm working on, and the title is I'm still working, play, I'm still playing with the words, but it's why what works at work doesn't work at home.

00:18:01.519 --> 00:18:03.359
Oh, yes, yeah.

00:18:03.680 --> 00:18:20.240
Because, you know, moms and dads who do have that personality where they're leaders or they're running something and they're used to efficiency and goals and standards and ROI and all these things, and they get at home and they're trying to run it the same way, and that doesn't work.

00:18:20.799 --> 00:18:21.440
Yeah.

00:18:21.759 --> 00:18:22.880
When it's tricky too.

00:18:22.960 --> 00:18:31.680
One of the things we talked about was like limited time for connection because she's home from work, it's after school, it's late, everybody's trying to do their thing, you know?

00:18:31.839 --> 00:18:36.240
And so she's like wanting something that feels relatively efficient, right?

00:18:36.400 --> 00:18:40.559
Just simply because there's only so many hours that they all have together after school, right?

00:18:40.720 --> 00:18:42.799
And there's a lot that has to go into those hours.

00:18:42.960 --> 00:18:44.720
And so I love that talk.

00:18:44.799 --> 00:18:45.839
I want to hear the talk.

00:18:46.000 --> 00:19:08.400
Um where it's like, how can you translate some of those skills or ways that you show up at work into this home environment, but soften it or change it or shift it a little bit so that you can still have the bearing of the leader, but show up in a way that is maybe a little bit more emotionally connected because there's a different kind of work we're doing at home.

00:19:08.640 --> 00:19:09.839
Yes, totally.

00:19:10.000 --> 00:19:10.319
Yeah.

00:19:10.480 --> 00:19:13.119
I have lots more examples, but I'll go totally off track.

00:19:13.200 --> 00:19:14.960
So you're podcast for another day.

00:19:15.119 --> 00:19:16.960
I know where I I just I'm gonna lock in.

00:19:17.039 --> 00:19:17.200
Okay.

00:19:17.359 --> 00:19:17.599
Okay.

00:19:18.160 --> 00:19:18.319
Yeah.

00:19:18.480 --> 00:19:26.880
And let's talk about this again from like the parent point of view, because there's the tendency to maybe push it away, but then there can also be the tendency to overbear, right?

00:19:26.960 --> 00:19:29.279
And in those situations, manage it.

00:19:29.519 --> 00:19:46.400
And I think for those of us who may be prone to that, what are some of the strategies you offer in that parenting realm where kids can show up in a meaningful way and feel that connection and sense of support for their child, but also let their child do the hard thing on their own?

00:19:46.720 --> 00:19:58.319
Yeah, I mean the thing that that kind of trying to fix or solve or whatever that is, is because we're trying to protect them from a mistake or pain or failure, right?

00:19:58.640 --> 00:20:12.000
And so if you just become more comfortable with the fact that you're actually doing your child a disservice, you're actually setting them up for failure in the long term, you're actually decreasing their resilience, you're actually decreasing their problem solving.

00:20:12.160 --> 00:20:21.920
The very thing you're trying to get them to do, which is be a problem solver, become increasingly independent over time, learn from mistakes, you're robbing them of that opportunity, right?

00:20:22.079 --> 00:20:27.519
And so it is this constant dance like how do I support without fixing?

00:20:27.759 --> 00:20:33.440
And for me personally, I really allow my own kids to lead the way.

00:20:33.519 --> 00:20:34.880
Like they know I'm there.

00:20:35.359 --> 00:20:42.799
The two questions I teach my parent clients to ask their kids do you just need to vent or do you need some help with that?

00:20:43.200 --> 00:20:44.480
And sometimes it's both.

00:20:44.559 --> 00:20:46.079
Sometimes it's I just need a vent.

00:20:46.160 --> 00:20:48.240
Sometimes it's I actually really need help with this.

00:20:48.319 --> 00:20:50.400
I don't know how to write this email to my teacher.

00:20:50.559 --> 00:20:52.480
I don't know what to say on this job interview.

00:20:52.640 --> 00:20:53.759
Can you help me figure this out?

00:20:53.920 --> 00:20:59.839
And so, first of all, balls in their court, allow them to guide you with what kind of support that you're providing.

00:20:59.920 --> 00:21:04.240
And again, never overstepping, not giving them something they didn't ask for.

00:21:04.640 --> 00:21:06.160
Yeah, so well put.

00:21:06.319 --> 00:21:19.279
And I think one of the things that's been striking to me lately as the parent of a junior in high school is how that dance can change depending on the season that you're in or the developmental hurdle that you're facing.

00:21:19.519 --> 00:21:19.839
Right.

00:21:20.000 --> 00:21:27.680
And so in my mind, there's like this path we're meandering where you have certain skill sets, and I'm like, oh, I don't have to worry about that anymore.

00:21:27.839 --> 00:21:29.039
She's got that down.

00:21:29.200 --> 00:21:41.920
And then we hit something that feels really big and scary, like thinking about college or talking about college or interacting with college coaches, to your point about extracurriculars, and then saying to ourselves, okay, we actually don't have all the skills we need for this moment.

00:21:42.079 --> 00:21:45.759
And maybe there needs to be a bit of shoring up or a different kind of support.

00:21:45.920 --> 00:21:52.319
So it's just been an interesting dance because there were some things I'm like, oh yeah, she's completely independent in this sphere, right?

00:21:52.400 --> 00:22:00.960
And then now I'm like, oh, actually, she's needing a bit of support to maybe launch into the next developmental stage that she Going into.

00:22:01.119 --> 00:22:04.319
And I think as a parent, sometimes that can catch us off guard, right?

00:22:04.400 --> 00:22:16.559
If our preschooler who's thrilled about preschool is all of a sudden a little bit nervous about kindergarten, or there's, you know, just times when maybe our role has to kind of shift or backtrack a little bit.

00:22:16.720 --> 00:22:21.519
And in the families that I work with, one thing I see is some angst around that, you know, and some frustration.

00:22:21.759 --> 00:22:24.079
And I think sometimes people need tools for sure.

00:22:24.240 --> 00:22:26.640
And sometimes there are big emotions that need to get managed.

00:22:26.799 --> 00:22:30.799
And then other times it's like normalizing some of the moments.

00:22:30.960 --> 00:22:31.839
Would you agree?

00:22:32.160 --> 00:22:33.119
Yeah, yeah.

00:22:33.279 --> 00:22:34.240
I I like that.

00:22:34.400 --> 00:22:38.000
I mean, really, like we are saying, it's kind of just day by day, right?

00:22:38.079 --> 00:22:40.079
It might be two steps forward, one step back.

00:22:40.240 --> 00:22:44.640
It might be they're completely self-sufficient in this, but they still need support with this.

00:22:44.720 --> 00:23:02.640
And one of the things that I see a lot of frustration with my clients is parents who want their kids to have the life skills and set up their own doctor's appointments, go pick up their own prescription, whatever they need to do to just be because they're getting ready to launch, right?

00:23:02.799 --> 00:23:05.279
And sometimes that does need to be broken down.

00:23:05.359 --> 00:23:11.759
And I had a client, this is a long time ago, the daughter was incredibly academically bright.

00:23:11.839 --> 00:23:14.000
Like she was at the top of her class.

00:23:14.240 --> 00:23:18.880
And the dad did not understand why she couldn't make this phone call to set up her appointment.

00:23:20.079 --> 00:23:24.000
And I'm like, these skills are not the same, these are very, very different.

00:23:25.200 --> 00:23:25.839
Yeah.

00:23:26.160 --> 00:23:27.519
So we broke it down, right?

00:23:27.599 --> 00:23:30.960
And and so we had him learn this is a different skill set.

00:23:31.039 --> 00:23:32.319
And we started small with her.

00:23:32.400 --> 00:23:33.440
We broke it into steps.

00:23:33.599 --> 00:23:36.960
Her step was her assignment for the week was to call and order pizza.

00:23:37.200 --> 00:23:43.039
She needed to learn the skills to pick up a phone because kids these days they don't know how to really make a phone call.

00:23:43.279 --> 00:23:45.440
So that was her assignment to order pizza.

00:23:45.519 --> 00:23:49.599
Okay, so next week, then we're gonna model how to set up that appointment.

00:23:49.759 --> 00:23:54.000
So I had the dad call and make his own appointment for another thing he needed.

00:23:54.079 --> 00:23:55.599
And the daughter just sat there and listened.

00:23:55.680 --> 00:23:59.759
And it was on speakerphone so that way she could hear what they're asking.

00:23:59.920 --> 00:24:01.279
Oh, when do you want to come?

00:24:01.519 --> 00:24:03.200
What are you being seen for?

00:24:03.440 --> 00:24:04.880
Is your insurance still the same?

00:24:05.039 --> 00:24:05.680
All the questions.

00:24:05.759 --> 00:24:07.440
So that way she was then prepared, right?

00:24:07.519 --> 00:24:09.680
And so you have to kind of layer this in.

00:24:09.839 --> 00:24:14.559
And some parents, like he again, he at the beginning, he just did not understand why she couldn't do it.

00:24:14.720 --> 00:24:19.920
And so we're still teaching them some very basic skills, even at 16, 17, 18 years old.

00:24:20.160 --> 00:24:21.119
Yes, yeah.

00:24:21.279 --> 00:24:28.720
And this is why I thought of the this kind of tangent that we're going on is that like asking the question, what do you need right now?

00:24:28.880 --> 00:24:32.160
Do you actually need help to figure out how to make this a doctor's appointment?

00:24:32.319 --> 00:24:33.920
If you do, no judgment from me.

00:24:34.000 --> 00:24:37.440
Let's just, you know, you said make a plan to teach you that thing.

00:24:37.599 --> 00:24:44.319
But I think sometimes the frustration comes in and there's just emotion on both sides, and we're not actually getting to the root of what's going on.

00:24:44.480 --> 00:24:50.000
But with those simple questions that you mentioned, we can kind of find our way into what's at the core of this?

00:24:50.160 --> 00:24:51.759
What's what's actually going on here?

00:24:51.920 --> 00:25:05.039
And then once we get there, it's like you said, you can come up with a step-by-step way to layer in the skills and make sure that this is a skill set they launch with, but everyone just getting stuck in their own frustration doesn't help us move down the path at all.

00:25:05.279 --> 00:25:16.640
Yeah, and that does create a lot of conflict because a lot of times parents misinterpret the situation and they think their child is being lazy or they're procrastinating or they're they're not listening, they're ignoring them, right?

00:25:16.720 --> 00:25:18.319
They're not doing what they're supposed to be doing.

00:25:18.480 --> 00:25:23.839
And really it's just they just don't know how, but they also don't know how to ask for help without getting lectured at.

00:25:23.920 --> 00:25:31.839
They don't want to get the lecture, so they'd rather just not do it and get yelled at than like right, can you help me and then get this big thing they didn't know?

00:25:33.680 --> 00:25:36.319
Yes, yeah, that was so beautifully put.

00:25:36.400 --> 00:25:37.519
Yes, totally.

00:25:37.680 --> 00:25:53.039
Well, and again, I think if there's a high achieving kid, right, who is reticent to admit that there is maybe some aspect of this that A feels really scary, or B, it actually have no idea to how to do.

00:25:53.200 --> 00:26:01.440
And I think with our kids who are high achieving, I think there's so much value in normalizing those moments for them too, right?

00:26:01.599 --> 00:26:06.720
And I think sometimes as parents, we can get to a place where we're like your client, you can do all this other stuff.

00:26:06.880 --> 00:26:08.079
Surely you can do this.

00:26:08.400 --> 00:26:15.519
Or with my friend the other day, you know, she's like, he's so independent and does all this stuff on his own, but all of a sudden he's super emotional about all this stuff.

00:26:15.680 --> 00:26:16.559
What's going on?

00:26:16.799 --> 00:26:19.279
Oh, well, that's actually normal.

00:26:19.440 --> 00:26:21.680
Yeah, you know, these are all really normal moments.

00:26:21.759 --> 00:26:32.160
And I think in our vision of maybe how our kids grow or how kids in general grow, we take maybe an unrealistic view sometimes of the capacity at any given age.

00:26:32.319 --> 00:26:37.119
And then we layer that with our own shame or guilt about not having maybe taught the child the thing.

00:26:37.359 --> 00:26:38.400
And that you know what I mean?

00:26:38.480 --> 00:26:47.519
And then the emotional complexity of the moment is such that we're just having a hard time thinking clearly or rationally about the basic skills needed.

00:26:47.759 --> 00:26:49.039
Yeah, I know, right?

00:26:49.119 --> 00:27:01.359
It's really an exercise in self-compassion for self as a parent, and then teaching and modeling that self-compassion for child so they don't start learning that beating them up process because that's just a road to nowhere, right?

00:27:01.519 --> 00:27:02.720
That's never gonna help anybody.

00:27:02.799 --> 00:27:04.960
So, you know, it's the language, it's the reframing.

00:27:05.039 --> 00:27:10.960
We're still learning, we're growing, we're trying, we can make a mistake and it's gonna be okay because we can try and again, right?

00:27:11.039 --> 00:27:12.720
All that just softening, right?

00:27:12.799 --> 00:27:21.119
It's like you can hear almost just the difference from the beginning when I was talking about that black and white language to just like gray zones, softening.

00:27:21.200 --> 00:27:22.480
It doesn't have to be perfect.

00:27:22.559 --> 00:27:23.359
Okay, right.

00:27:24.319 --> 00:27:25.279
Yeah, totally.

00:27:25.440 --> 00:27:30.079
And I just took a class on building confidence and some of the cornerstones to confidence.

00:27:30.160 --> 00:27:35.599
And one of the things we talked about was the idea that the growth mindset is essential for confidence.

00:27:35.759 --> 00:27:40.799
And in the long term, a lot of times we base our confidence on the things we achieve, right?

00:27:40.880 --> 00:27:42.880
And back to your five buckets of stress.

00:27:43.039 --> 00:27:45.279
There's things we achieve in each of those.

00:27:45.519 --> 00:27:51.440
And if our focus is on the achievement itself, we have a lot of goal-directed behavior toward that, right?

00:27:51.759 --> 00:27:56.880
But if our focus is on the process, yeah, that's truly where the confidence digs in, right?

00:27:57.039 --> 00:28:01.920
Or we find that sense of resilience internally because we recognize we can get through anything.

00:28:02.079 --> 00:28:06.559
We can learn and grow in any situation, we can work with any mistake.

00:28:06.799 --> 00:28:09.920
And that's the core of confidence, right?

00:28:10.079 --> 00:28:28.799
Is the knowledge that no matter what comes your way, you're going to find a way through, whether it's accessing support, whether it's relying on your internal resources, whether it's calling on a higher power, whatever the system is that you have as in your support, the confidence comes in the process, not always just in the outcome.

00:28:29.119 --> 00:28:29.519
Exactly.

00:28:29.680 --> 00:28:30.799
You said that so well.

00:28:30.960 --> 00:28:38.000
And that's one thing I was working on with a client who she's in seventh grade and was trying to make some more friends.

00:28:38.160 --> 00:28:40.720
And so I'm always giving homework to my clients.

00:28:41.839 --> 00:28:44.000
It's just like a simple assignment and they know this.

00:28:44.240 --> 00:28:49.200
Her job was to reach out to three friends from now until the next session.

00:28:49.440 --> 00:28:55.759
And it didn't matter if they wrote back, if they texted back, if they said no, they can't do whatever the thing was.

00:28:56.000 --> 00:28:58.880
It doesn't matter what the result is, it's that she tried.

00:28:59.039 --> 00:29:00.799
And did she make the three contacts?

00:29:00.880 --> 00:29:06.000
And if you make those three outgoing texts or whatever, that's gonna build so much confidence.

00:29:06.480 --> 00:29:08.160
She did it, she did the three things.

00:29:08.319 --> 00:29:09.279
That's all that mattered.

00:29:09.359 --> 00:29:12.160
And then she's like, Oh, yeah, I did.

00:29:12.319 --> 00:29:13.680
Like that was awesome, right?

00:29:13.759 --> 00:29:14.880
And then you can build from there.

00:29:15.200 --> 00:29:16.400
Things feed on themselves.

00:29:16.480 --> 00:29:22.960
And I think like that's where sometimes kids get stuck because your parents like get spiraled down or they spiral up, right?

00:29:23.519 --> 00:29:27.119
And so building on going in the right direction is just so helpful.

00:29:27.200 --> 00:29:32.400
And so finding those tiny wins, you know, if you have a kid who is hard on themselves, what did go well?

00:29:32.559 --> 00:29:33.359
What was successful?

00:29:33.599 --> 00:29:35.839
Like, oh, I had a bad day, my day was terrible, blah, blah.

00:29:36.000 --> 00:29:37.200
Okay, was what was good?

00:29:37.359 --> 00:29:39.440
Not was there anything good, but what was good?

00:29:39.599 --> 00:29:40.559
Was there a tiny thing good?

00:29:40.640 --> 00:29:41.599
Was there a little thing good?

00:29:41.759 --> 00:29:43.039
Was there something funny that happened?

00:29:43.200 --> 00:29:43.359
Right?

00:29:43.440 --> 00:29:46.079
Like you can always just go down to a micro.

00:29:46.400 --> 00:29:48.240
Oh, yeah, I saw my friend in the hallway.

00:29:48.400 --> 00:29:49.920
Great! You saw your friend in the hallway.

00:29:50.000 --> 00:29:50.960
Oh my gosh.

00:29:51.279 --> 00:29:53.680
Yes, yes, I love that so much.

00:29:53.759 --> 00:29:57.039
And I think I always say I'm allergic to helplessness.

00:29:57.279 --> 00:30:02.319
There have been too many times in my life where helplessness has been something that I had to grapple with and work through.

00:30:02.480 --> 00:30:04.799
Then now I'm like, oh no, no, no, that's helplessness again.

00:30:04.880 --> 00:30:05.599
I'm allergic to that.

00:30:05.680 --> 00:30:08.880
I gotta, you know, I gotta find the way I can take action, right?

00:30:09.039 --> 00:30:18.559
And I think with parenting or with kids in different situations, it is like that spiral downward when we can't figure out what we can do.

00:30:18.640 --> 00:30:26.559
And there's just that sense of feeling stuck in the place where we are, whether it's again an outside support that we need, whether we need to learn or grow in some way, right?

00:30:26.720 --> 00:30:30.400
Or whether we just need to kind of admit honestly what's going on and then start from there.

00:30:30.559 --> 00:30:41.039
But if we can do those hard things, then the helplessness, it can start to get smaller and smaller and smaller because we're taking action and texting the three friends, right?

00:30:41.119 --> 00:30:48.880
Or we're having the hard conversation where we're like, okay, I know I feel uncomfortable listening to feelings, but I'm gonna do this because it's my kid and it's important, right?

00:30:48.960 --> 00:30:57.200
Or whatever it is, we move out of helplessness and immediately it's like you change the direction of the spiral because helplessness is never getting us anywhere.

00:30:57.359 --> 00:30:58.559
Yeah, never, never.

00:30:58.799 --> 00:31:03.839
The other thing is also just our reminder of it's not gonna last forever, whatever it is.

00:31:03.920 --> 00:31:10.400
So maybe it's your child does need to vent, and some people are very allergic to their children venting, like it's too much, right?

00:31:10.480 --> 00:31:11.839
It's overwhelming to them.

00:31:12.079 --> 00:31:19.680
And so sometimes I teach my clients and the moms, the parents and the kids, mom, can I vent for five minutes?

00:31:20.000 --> 00:31:26.079
They put a time limit on it, or hey, kiddo, do you want to just let off some steam for 20 minutes right now?

00:31:26.240 --> 00:31:31.519
It doesn't have to be exact, you don't have to put a timer on, but just so that it doesn't feel like it lasts forever for either one.

00:31:31.599 --> 00:31:40.000
Because sometimes if a kiddo really does need to let off some steam, yes, we don't want to go into the helplessness, but maybe they just need to blow it off and then they'll feel better, right?

00:31:40.160 --> 00:31:42.319
So five minutes, 20 minutes, maybe not an hour.

00:31:42.480 --> 00:31:46.000
That might be the limit for some people, their comfort level.

00:31:46.240 --> 00:31:47.599
But to know that it's gonna end.

00:31:47.680 --> 00:31:52.720
This is not a permanent state that your kid is just gonna be going crazy forever on this one particular topic.

00:31:53.039 --> 00:31:54.480
Yeah, it's so well put.

00:31:54.720 --> 00:31:57.920
I like Becky Kennedy's metaphor of the benches.

00:31:58.079 --> 00:31:58.960
Have you heard that one?

00:31:59.200 --> 00:32:00.640
I love her, but no, I haven't heard that one.

00:32:01.039 --> 00:32:08.079
So she talks about I like to imagine Central Park, but she talks about emotions as benches and how sometimes we just have to sit on all the benches.

00:32:08.160 --> 00:32:12.400
Like life is gonna invite us to all the benches, and there's some benches that are gonna be our favorite.

00:32:12.480 --> 00:32:14.640
I like overlooking the Harlem Mirror, right?

00:32:14.799 --> 00:32:18.079
I don't really love the one that's by the trash can near the homeless people.

00:32:18.160 --> 00:32:20.799
That's not my favorite bench to be on in Central Park, right?

00:32:21.119 --> 00:32:24.960
But sometimes we end up sitting there to tie our shoe or to, you know what I mean?

00:32:25.039 --> 00:32:28.559
Like I made the metaphor bigger than what she the way she tells it.

00:32:28.640 --> 00:32:32.880
But the idea being that if you just need to sit on the bench for a minute, sit on the bench for a minute.

00:32:32.960 --> 00:32:33.519
Don't fight it.

00:32:33.599 --> 00:32:36.319
Sit on the bench and then like you're on to the rest of your life, right?

00:32:36.400 --> 00:32:39.039
And there's so many other things you can do and explore and see.

00:32:39.599 --> 00:32:57.200
But to your point about the time-limited nature of it, if you are able to recognize the different benches, like, oh yeah, there's that bench again, the more you sit on it, the more you can recognize it, the more your kid can recognize it, and the more you can just figure out what you need on that bench and get to another one.

00:32:57.359 --> 00:33:00.880
But if we fight it, that's when we're like, God, yeah, it is stuck.

00:33:00.960 --> 00:33:07.359
And it just ends up taking a lot longer, usually, because we're like, I'm not gonna sit on that bench, I'm not gonna sit on the bench, I don't want to be there.

00:33:07.519 --> 00:33:19.920
If our kid is like, hey, I am feeling really sad right now, I'm feeling really lonely, I'm feeling a little bit depressed or hopeless, and we can just go sit with them and be like, yeah, this is a rough place to be, right?

00:33:20.799 --> 00:33:23.920
But then it's like you said, if we're not there forever.

00:33:24.400 --> 00:33:35.759
Yeah, and to that point, I think while we're on the topic, it's worth mentioning just I assume this is something you do a lot of, but teaching the emotional fluency so that it's normal, natural language in your household, right?

00:33:35.920 --> 00:33:38.880
And so I got this advice when my kids were very little.

00:33:39.039 --> 00:33:44.559
So luckily I've had this amazing amount of time for just the simple I feel statements.

00:33:44.720 --> 00:33:51.680
So we used to go around at dinner because my oldest daughter, the one that was having the anxiety back then, that was actually the assignment that we got for her.

00:33:51.839 --> 00:33:54.240
And so it's just I feel this, I feel that.

00:33:54.319 --> 00:33:57.039
And my three younger kids picked it up really well.

00:33:57.119 --> 00:33:59.039
And so that's just so normal in my house.

00:33:59.119 --> 00:34:01.119
And then I talked to other families and they're like, What?

00:34:01.599 --> 00:34:02.400
You say your feelings?

00:34:02.480 --> 00:34:03.599
I'm like, yes.

00:34:05.680 --> 00:34:05.920
Right.

00:34:06.000 --> 00:34:08.880
And so, but but it takes years of practice.

00:34:09.039 --> 00:34:17.039
I spent years actually practicing myself naming the exact emotion because sometimes we think it's something, but oh no, wait, really, it's something else.

00:34:17.119 --> 00:34:18.800
And oh wait, yeah, that's the one.

00:34:18.960 --> 00:34:21.760
Oh, you gotta name it to tame it, like you were saying earlier, right?

00:34:21.840 --> 00:34:22.960
And then you're like, oh, okay.

00:34:23.039 --> 00:34:24.400
And it doesn't have to last so long.

00:34:24.559 --> 00:34:27.119
Once you figure out what it is, it can pass by much quicker.

00:34:27.440 --> 00:34:29.199
Yes, yes, it's so well put.

00:34:29.280 --> 00:34:38.800
And that one of the things I was talking with my friend about over the weekend was that I like to use the feeling wheel or like mark brackets, how we feel app, or you know, there's so many great resources out there.

00:34:38.960 --> 00:34:43.519
Lindsay Brayman has the pillows and like the oh yeah, the emoji feeling wheels.

00:34:43.599 --> 00:34:51.599
But one of the things that I was saying was that the more granular you can get, the more specific you can be about the feeling, the more information you get, right?

00:34:51.760 --> 00:34:52.960
The emotion is information.

00:34:53.039 --> 00:34:58.800
And if we can see the information with a little more clarity or speed, again, we don't have to sit in it as long.

00:34:58.880 --> 00:35:00.480
We're like, oh yeah, that's jealousy again.

00:35:00.559 --> 00:35:02.079
I know what I need to do when I feel jealous.

00:35:02.159 --> 00:35:10.400
It means there's something about the situation that maybe I want to reach for, or that's something I feel like I could achieve if I had a little effort to put into it, or something like that.

00:35:10.559 --> 00:35:28.000
And so I think when we can get specific, we harvest or we are able to harness the power of the emotion in a totally different way than if we're nervous and a little bit opposed to knowing exactly what it is and saying it like feels something kind of like sadness, but I don't want to go any deeper because this feels scary to me.

00:35:28.079 --> 00:35:29.119
And that's all normal.

00:35:29.280 --> 00:35:32.320
But if you dive in and you say, No, that's loneliness.

00:35:32.559 --> 00:35:33.199
Yeah.

00:35:33.519 --> 00:35:37.519
And then it's like with your client, you know what to do with that, right?

00:35:37.760 --> 00:35:38.239
Mm-hmm.

00:35:38.480 --> 00:35:39.840
Yeah, and that's very classic.

00:35:39.920 --> 00:35:45.199
A lot of times my clients think they're bored, and really what it actually is is loneliness.

00:35:45.280 --> 00:35:48.480
And so having them name that and then figuring out what the solution is.

00:35:48.960 --> 00:35:58.639
But I'm also really glad we're talking about this right now because it helps your listeners if they are looking for a coach or hiring you or looking for someone.

00:35:59.360 --> 00:36:02.639
Some coaches do bypass emotions quite a bit.

00:36:03.039 --> 00:36:12.960
We call it kind of like a spiritual bypass or emotional bypass where they're working so fast to get to the end result that they don't allow that emotion to process.

00:36:13.039 --> 00:36:16.400
And like we said, sometimes we just need a little bit of processing time.

00:36:16.639 --> 00:36:28.880
And then you go in the opposite end of the spectrum where if you're with a therapist, you might be spending hours talking about the emotion and days and years and months, and you never get to a solution, right?

00:36:29.280 --> 00:36:32.559
And so I like to just think of myself as kind of this happy medium.

00:36:32.639 --> 00:36:34.400
I am a coach, I'm not a therapist.

00:36:34.559 --> 00:36:36.159
I do allow my clients to vent.

00:36:36.239 --> 00:36:41.199
If they had a terrible week or a terrible day or something really embarrassing happened, yes, let's get it out.

00:36:41.360 --> 00:36:47.440
I can't coach someone who's not ready and they're not ready if this emotion is right here, it has to spill out and come out.

00:36:47.519 --> 00:36:49.440
And so we like, okay, let's get through that.

00:36:49.599 --> 00:36:51.440
Okay, now what are we working on this week?

00:36:51.519 --> 00:36:51.760
Right.

00:36:51.840 --> 00:36:54.880
And so I just wanted to point that out because I felt like that was important.

00:36:55.360 --> 00:36:55.840
I love that.

00:36:56.000 --> 00:36:56.559
No, thank you.

00:36:56.639 --> 00:36:56.880
Yeah.

00:36:56.960 --> 00:37:03.920
And I love the resonance that I'm getting from you as well in terms of just the importance of it, but also the importance of not getting stuck there.

00:37:04.079 --> 00:37:05.519
So let's move along.

00:37:05.840 --> 00:37:06.239
Exactly.

00:37:06.320 --> 00:37:06.880
Yeah, yeah.

00:37:07.199 --> 00:37:08.079
This has been amazing.

00:37:08.239 --> 00:37:14.000
As we close, talk to us a little bit more about what a calm, connected family culture looks like.

00:37:14.079 --> 00:37:16.559
We've talked about some of the elements of it today.

00:37:16.719 --> 00:37:26.400
Are there any other things you'd add that are part of that culture where we're building a sense of resilience, our kids feel safe seen and heard, and we feel that sense of connection regularly at home?

00:37:26.719 --> 00:37:30.320
Yeah, I think, well, first of all, what it's not is a perfect family, right?

00:37:30.400 --> 00:37:31.679
We are never shooting for perfect.

00:37:31.760 --> 00:37:37.920
We're never shooting for movie scene or a postcard or an Instagram reel or whatever, right?

00:37:38.000 --> 00:37:39.440
Like life is messy.

00:37:39.599 --> 00:37:40.320
This is messy.

00:37:40.400 --> 00:37:41.760
It's constantly a dance.

00:37:41.920 --> 00:37:44.719
There might be somebody who left for school today in a bad mood.

00:37:44.800 --> 00:37:45.440
I don't know, right?

00:37:45.679 --> 00:37:50.320
It's not that it's perfect, but what it is is that they know they feel safe.

00:37:50.480 --> 00:37:51.920
They know they can talk to me.

00:37:52.079 --> 00:37:57.519
They know that there's no judgment and there's no wrong emotion, and that we're working together, right?

00:37:57.599 --> 00:37:58.639
Because I have teenagers.

00:37:58.719 --> 00:38:00.480
And so what is happening is a lot.

00:38:00.639 --> 00:38:02.159
I have two that drive, right?

00:38:02.239 --> 00:38:04.159
And so it's this constant communication.

00:38:04.320 --> 00:38:05.920
We agree on a set of rules.

00:38:06.000 --> 00:38:07.599
We have agreed curfew.

00:38:07.840 --> 00:38:10.239
We have agreed what happens if they're running late for curfew.

00:38:10.320 --> 00:38:12.880
So a lot of times the work is done on the front end.

00:38:12.960 --> 00:38:18.480
It's we're talking about our values, what's important to us, why is this important to us as a family, right?

00:38:18.639 --> 00:38:23.440
I'm just using this one as an example, but the safety and being home and mom needs to know you're okay.

00:38:23.519 --> 00:38:26.480
And so that's why we have this procedure, right?

00:38:26.639 --> 00:38:27.440
But that's connection.

00:38:27.599 --> 00:38:29.199
What that really is is connection, right?

00:38:29.360 --> 00:38:33.760
If it was the opposite, there would be, you know, slam doors and screaming and yelling and fighting.

00:38:34.000 --> 00:38:35.440
And that doesn't mean that can't happen.

00:38:35.599 --> 00:38:43.280
It can, but there always is repair, there is conflict resolution, there's hugs, there's I'm sorry, right?

00:38:43.440 --> 00:38:46.880
And it's just for me, it's feeling like I have an emotional pulse.

00:38:47.039 --> 00:38:52.480
I have my pulse on each of my kids, kind of knowing where they're at on any given day.

00:38:52.639 --> 00:38:55.599
Like today, for example, I know that my son is tired.

00:38:55.679 --> 00:38:56.880
He was up late last night.

00:38:57.039 --> 00:38:59.119
I know he's a little worried about his algebra.

00:38:59.280 --> 00:39:01.119
I know my daughter is right, like I have four kids.

00:39:01.199 --> 00:39:03.039
So I'm like, yeah, right.

00:39:03.119 --> 00:39:03.920
Like I know the things.

00:39:04.000 --> 00:39:04.719
And so that's it.

00:39:04.800 --> 00:39:11.360
I don't know if I have like a one-sentence description, but just kind of this picture of connection and just being aware.

00:39:11.679 --> 00:39:12.000
Yeah.

00:39:12.159 --> 00:39:12.400
Yeah.

00:39:12.559 --> 00:39:14.159
No, I think that's so beautifully put.

00:39:14.239 --> 00:39:33.760
And I don't think there is necessarily a recipe other than that, where if we are tuned in on some level to the people around us and that we can provide the support that we're able to or access the support that we need in order to help when we notice things are a little bit off for an extended period of time, yeah, then giving ourselves some credit.

00:39:33.920 --> 00:39:35.199
Yeah, I'm doing pretty good.

00:39:35.440 --> 00:39:36.000
Mm-hmm.

00:39:36.239 --> 00:39:36.639
Yeah.

00:39:36.800 --> 00:39:37.119
Yeah.

00:39:37.280 --> 00:39:43.280
And if there is something off, you know, it's important to notice that and kind of check in with your feelings about that.

00:39:43.360 --> 00:39:46.320
But then also, I always say kill the monster while it's a baby.

00:39:46.400 --> 00:39:50.960
So don't let it consume you where then you're not seeing things accurately.

00:39:51.119 --> 00:39:53.679
We want to see it accurately, but also being taking notes.

00:39:53.760 --> 00:39:56.079
Like my son has been really moody for two weeks.

00:39:56.159 --> 00:39:57.119
He's not eating as much.

00:39:57.280 --> 00:39:59.519
He hasn't talked to any of his friends in three weeks, right?

00:39:59.599 --> 00:39:59.920
Right.

00:40:00.079 --> 00:40:01.199
We need to pay attention to that.

00:40:01.280 --> 00:40:02.000
Take notes.

00:40:02.239 --> 00:40:04.480
If it's only been like that for one day, right?

00:40:04.559 --> 00:40:08.239
Don't make it a thing that it's not, but just be aware, be conscious, be plugged in.

00:40:08.480 --> 00:40:09.920
Yes, a hundred percent.

00:40:10.079 --> 00:40:10.480
100%.

00:40:11.039 --> 00:40:12.320
Well, this has been lovely.

00:40:12.400 --> 00:40:15.360
I I have learned a ton and I've loved chatting with you today, Laura.

00:40:15.440 --> 00:40:19.280
Help our listeners know where they can find you, where they can learn more about your coaching.

00:40:19.599 --> 00:40:20.079
Absolutely.

00:40:20.239 --> 00:40:22.719
So my website is always kind of the hub of everything.

00:40:22.800 --> 00:40:25.280
So it's positively healthycoaching.com.

00:40:25.440 --> 00:40:27.519
There's all the links to my social media on there.

00:40:27.599 --> 00:40:29.360
And yeah, I'd love for people to come visit.

00:40:29.440 --> 00:40:40.639
You can schedule a free complimentary consultation if you just want to talk and see what's going on in your family, see if I can help, or sometimes I can't, and I know I can't, and I can direct you to someone else that I know that can.

00:40:40.719 --> 00:40:44.000
So yeah, positively healthycoaching.com is the place to find me.

00:40:44.320 --> 00:40:44.719
All right.

00:40:44.880 --> 00:40:46.800
Well, thank you again for being here.

00:40:47.039 --> 00:40:48.000
Thank you.

00:40:49.280 --> 00:40:51.440
Thanks for listening to the stress nanny.

00:40:51.519 --> 00:40:57.039
If you found today's episode helpful, be sure to share it with a friend who could use a little extra calm in their week.

00:40:57.199 --> 00:40:59.679
And if you have a minute, I'd love for you to leave a review.

00:40:59.840 --> 00:41:03.039
It helps other parents find the show and join us on this journey.

00:41:03.199 --> 00:41:08.239
For more tools and support, head over to www.thestressnanny.com.

00:41:08.400 --> 00:41:10.480
Remember, you don't have to do stress alone.

00:41:10.639 --> 00:41:14.639
Together we can raise kids who know how to navigate life with confidence and ease.

00:41:14.800 --> 00:41:18.400
Until next time, take a deep breath and give yourself some grace.