Helping Kids Try New Things

Lindsay Miller  0:22  
Hi, this is Lindsay and I'm so glad you're here joining me on the podcast where I share tools for using mindfulness in family life to lower stress levels, and where I interview guests to help you understand and reframe some of the common stresses that we face. And today's the day where I'm going to share a tool with you. This episode is brought to you by the essential calendar, which is an 18 by 24 wall calendar that helps families stay organized at a glance, the summer calendar is available now and you can get it exclusively at www.theessentialcalendar.com. 

So today's tool is I say this every time another one of my favorites. Because it's a really easy way to conceptualize what's happening in the brain when we move past like the skill set that we have. So this is called green zones. And again, it's from Dan Siegel's work. I love the research that he's done around mindfulness and the simple ways that he helps us apply it to the lives of kids and adults alike. So the green zone is the place where you're feeling pretty flexible, you can adapt your coherent, like you're connected Mind, Body Spirit all together, is the place you feel energized, you feel stable, like your emotions are stable, it's not to say you're not feeling emotion, but you know how to navigate and manage it. And so that's your green zone. And we can have different green zones for different types of activities, like my green zone might be, you know, a certain width at home, and it might be more narrow in certain social settings. So if I feel uncomfortable in large groups, or if kids feel uncomfortable, you know, in music class, or, you know, whatever the different settings are that we find ourselves, our green zones can change. So imagine this like, column of green, right, and then on either side, you have a column of red and a column of blue. So on the blue side, that's kind of when we tend toward chaos. And instead of feeling flexible, and adaptable, like hey, I can kind of face whatever comes my way, we feel overwhelmed, we feel chaotic, we feel just at a loss for even how to move forward, because the steps aren't clear to us, we might just feel like a level of emotion that we don't know how to manage, and it just kind of takes us. And we just don't have the skill set that we need in order to comfortably manage the situation. And it throws us into a tailspin. So for adults, this can look like the end of a long day when you're feeling tired, and you just need everybody to go to bed. And you just need a minute of quiet to yourself and you kind of lose it. It can look like you know sitting at the dinner table and starting to get really picky about like how someone's using their fork or putting napkins in laps or, and I'm a big fan of manners, I'm just saying you know, those moments when you realize like, you're a little more on edge, that's the red zone. So the red column on the side of the Green Zone, I like to draw it with the red on the right side and the blue on the left side. And so when the when I'm feeling more rigid, or really frustrated and just need things to be a certain way, that's what I know, I've got I've gotten into my red zone, which is just a little bit more rigidity, it's like meeting a lot of structure to feel okay. And again, structure is a great thing. But like if we are really really heavily relying on it, because we don't have the ability to adapt in the circumstances that we find ourselves in, then that's when structure can kind of get in the way and send us out of balance. So for kids, this can look like needing the Blue cup, and the red plate at dinner, or otherwise, like things are not going to be okay. It can look like needing a certain friend to do a certain thing or say a certain thing in order for an outfit to be, you know, acceptable. So that can feel like this sense of rigidity. And interestingly, like on either end of the spectrum, the red or the blue sides of the zones, you can kind of ricochet off. So right, if rigidity isn't working and you don't have the blue cup and the yellow plate at dinner, it can send you into overwhelm, which is probably going to look like a chaotic response in terms of emotional overwhelm, right? And so it can be sometimes tricky to troubleshoot where the origin of the struggle is, whether it's blue or red, but you can start to kind of track it from the initial behavior. So what was the thing that you initially saw? That was I'm worrisome or that you just kind of noticed, like, oh, that my child is feeling really rigid today, or my child is feeling really chaotic today. And we may have a general tendency toward one or the other. But as humans, we kind of navigate all ends of the emotional spectrum, right, we all tend toward rigidity or chaos at varying times. And so the idea behind the Green Zone is that the green zone is this column in the middle, where you're okay, like, you can be flexible, whether you have the blue plate, or the yellow plate, you can be flexible, whether your friend says Your outfit is super cute, or whether your friend says she hates your shoes, you know, like, you're okay, and you're a little bit more resilient in that green zone. And the idea is that initially, when we start to become aware of our green zone, it's usually pretty small for most things.

You might have a really small green zone for you know, like bedtime craziness. Or you might have a really small green zone for, you know, a work meeting environment, or you might have a really small green zone, your child might have really small green zone for trying new things. And so that green zone, like the place where they're okay is tiny. And the idea is that using mindfulness practices allows us to expand that green zone, so that activities that were once out of our range are now within reach for us, like we can be flexible in more situations, we can adapt in more settings, we can be coherent and emotionally connected to ourselves and other people in more and more situations. And that doesn't mean we're ignoring our emotion, it just means we're acknowledging and honoring it. And we have the skills and the tools to know what to do with it. And so when we can help kids kind of conceptualize their responses in this way, it can be kind of an interesting activity, because it can help them see over time, how they've grown and changed and the ways that they've increased their ability to like, navigate hard things. And a lot of times that gives them momentum, for future interactions, like, Oh, I did it once I can do that again. So one of the things that comes up a lot with kids is, again, this idea of trying new things, when we're feeling a sense of like the nervous system is responding strongly and kids are under duress, there's a tendency to withdraw from any novelty, right. And that's a really normal nervous system response. Because if the nervous system has already, like at max capacity, it doesn't need to worry about any new things or try to sift through whether something safe or fun or, you know, acceptable, it doesn't need any more input. And so a lot of times kids who are really stressed have a hard time engaging with new activities, and their curiosity meter is like really low. And so the green zone can be a really good way for kids and parents to look at new situations, right? It may be that your goal for your child is to have them enrolled in karate, you know, or to have them be able to have, you know, conversations with kids at the park or at school. And you know, you have this ultimate goal for them that looks kind of lofty from the place they're at right now. And those are all really great goals. But what's going to happen right is they're incrementally going to increase their green zone to accommodate that goal. So it can be really helpful to look at what the really just edge things are on their green zone. So maybe if it's, you know, your four year old, who really does want the yellow plate and the Blue cup at dinner, maybe they were okay, sharing the yellow plate with a sibling tonight. And you can really praise them for that, right? Because that was out of their green zone, they just made like a leap out. And we really want to acknowledge and celebrate those leaps out of the Green Zone. Another example might be a teenager who initiates a conversation with a new friend, you know, maybe your teen is really kind of shy and not sure. And so maybe they're not, you know, freely talking to this person, or spending time with them inviting them to do activities. But they initiated a conversation, you know, at the end of class, or were willing to say hi, or whatever this small step is like taking the green zone in the direction you want it to go. That's where we like to start to focus our energy, right? Because we notice a shift is happening. And it can be really easy, I think, especially as parents for us to look at that end goal. And be like, Ah, this is so far away. You know, there's no way my, my kid is going to get better at this just by doing these small things like I need big action here. But the idea is that like if you see green zone movement, if you see your child broadening and expanding the green zone, you know that there's like a level of nervous system response that is at play, right? Like they're mellowing out calming down enough that they can feel okay in more settings, and the nervous system if it's really heightened in a heightened like high state of alert. That's a big thing, right to have just a small and steady like incremental movement. toward like more curiosity toward novelty, that's it's a big sign. And it's a sign that you're moving in the right direction, right? Like, we don't want to see the green zone necessarily shortening or narrowing, we want to see it expanding. So even small incremental expansion is something that we really look out with a lot of praise and excitement and enthusiasm. And then, as kids get more and more comfortable with this idea of the green zone, you can start to build that into the conversation, right, and in our house that looks something like Oh, so you didn't have a very big green zone for going to this new goalie practice with high schoolers like that. That makes sense, right? That your green zone for that is pretty small. And we talk about how that's, so when your green zone is small, you feel really nervous, and you feel, you know, maybe easily frustrated, or you get down on yourself for mistakes and behaviors and tendencies that you might not see in normal situations, like if your child is pretty resilient, and then you see them in a new situation. And some of those behaviors was returned. It's an indication right that their green zone for that isn't very big. But the good news is, once we figure out how to widen the Green Zone, in one situation, oftentimes, we use exactly the same tools and tactics to widen it in other situations. And there are going to be moments when we hit the edge of our green zone. And we're going to need a new tool or to revisit an old tool. But for the most part, once we kind of get to know ourselves and see what are the indicators that were at the edge of our green zone. And then what are some of the ways that we can help ourselves as we expand it, some of those tendencies tend to be pretty consistent. So like for my daughter, for example, and attending a new goalie practice, she felt a little bit intimidated, because she was with older girls who she hadn't trained with before. And she's just 12. So she was training with, with high schoolers, and she was really excited to be there, but also like comparing herself the entire time, right. And that's one of the signs for her that she's out of her green zone. And she starts comparing herself to other people really consistently because she's, she's hidden edge. And she, you know, is having a little bit of trouble and feeling a little overwhelmed. And so she's making comparisons and looking out at what other people are doing to kind of both social reference, but also get a feel for how she's sitting in the situation. And so we know like, okay, when comparison kicks in, that's one of the signs that you need to really be gentle with yourself and reframe. So for her reframing is something that we talk about a lot. So instead of focusing on how you're not as good as the high school girls, we talk about how, when you try new things, you build resilience, remember how you just started, you know, in when you we look back at other settings, like when she first started working with a competitive team, how she felt really out of place, like a fish out of water. And over time, that feeling dissipated. We look at you know, when you started a new school, how did you feel? And what did that, you know, what, what did it take for you to kind of acclimate and feel comfortable? How much time did that take? Okay, so if it took you a month, it's probably not realistic to think that after one practice, you're going to feel comfortable in this new setting, right? And so we use mindfulness to identify what's going on in the situation where we're at, like, is this situation in our green zone? are we feeling a little chaotic or rigid? And then if we're feeling chaotic or rigid, what do we need to do in order to broaden our green zone to include that activity. And with practice, and like just steady conversation, you're going to be able to find examples and find connections between you know, past experiences and current experiences. And you're also going to leave space for your child to just build awareness. And a lot of times with the green zone, that's all it takes, like, once we realize, oh, wow, I just like leapt out of my green zone, because I tried this really new thing, and I've never done it before. I'm feeling really overwhelmed. That's like, Okay, I know what to do. When I'm overwhelmed. Here's what I do. So really just bringing awareness to what's going on. And using this research based model, to identify what it is that you need and how you can recalibrate your green zone to include this new activity is a really powerful way to approach any new thing and also any stressful situation for kids. I'd love to hear if you try this tool, it's one of my favorites. And I think it's just super helpful for kids and adults alike. 

So if this activity is resonate with you, I would love for you to give it a try. I would love to hear how it goes for you. And I would also appreciate it if you would share it, share it with anyone you know who has kids who would benefit from a little practice with the green zone. Thanks again for listening. I'm so grateful for your support. And again, I would love it if you would leave a five star review for the podcast so other people can find it. I'm so excited about the ways that it's growing and I am so grateful for your support and help with that. Here's to widening our green zones to include whatever life throws at us this week. Until next time!

Transcribed by https://otter.ai