How to manage mom rage

Lindsay Miller  0:07  
You're listening to The Stress Nanny podcast and I'm your host, Lindsay Miller. I'm here to help you keep an eye on your family stress levels. In our fast paced lives, the ability to manage stress has never been more important for kids or adults. When it comes to stress, we have two choices we can decrease stress or increase our resilience to it. Here on the number eight ranked stress podcast I interview experts and share insights to help you do both. When you tune in each week, you'll bring your stress levels down and your resilience up so that stress doesn't get in the way of you living your best life. I'm so glad you're here. 

Hey there! It's Lindsay and I am so excited to share this episode with you. Anytime I get to chat with Florence Ann Romano. It's a great day. And this episode has so many down to earth tidbits about just being patient with ourselves when we're experiencing frustration. Mom rage is what Florence Ann calls it and then building community around ourselves and giving ourselves the support that we need to navigate life and parenting with ease and intention. I hope you enjoy the episode. 

Welcome to The Stress Nanny podcast. I'm your host Lindsay Miller and I'm so glad you're here to lower your family's stress levels. My guest today is Florence Ann Romano. You will remember her from previous episodes. She's a childcare and village advocate, author and philanthropist who's always had a special place in her heart for children. She worked as a childcare provider for over 15 years and believes the key to a family's success lies in focusing on what she calls the trifecta. The parent child and caretaker working in unison toward common family goals. Florin sand can be seen on her YouTube series Windy City nanny which sheds light on the variety of childcare challenges we see across the country. She's been featured on over 400 national and local media outlets across the country including ABC CBS, NBC and Fox TV affiliates, home and family the Jenny McCarthy show Sirius XM and more. Her loyal followers on Instagram, Facebook and YouTube have grown into a robust engaged Social Media Village of moms, dads, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and childcare providers that grows larger every day. Born and raised just outside Chicago, Florin San earned a degree in performance theater at Bradley University. in Peoria, Illinois, she served as president and founder of a nonprofit board dedicated to autism awareness, and now serves on the executive board of the Children's Research Fund at Lurie Children's Hospital. And she's a founding member of Sesame Street's Leadership Council, Lawrence. And thanks again for being here. I'm so excited for our chat today.

Florence Ann Romano  2:40  
I'm so thrilled, always thrilled to be here with you. It's always one of my favorite conversations.

Lindsay Miller  2:45  
Well, thank you. So we are going to chat about mom rage. And I think that first of all, before we even get started, you're so good at defusing, like any guilt, or, you know, angst or shame that moms have around some of these big emotions. So before we start off, and someone has like this knee jerk reaction, and like, Oh, I feel so guilty, like this is exactly for me, help us just defuse that.

Florence Ann Romano  3:11  
Well, feelings aren't wrong, you know, we tell our kids this, you know that feelings aren't wrong. And I think we forget, as adults that we're allowed to have our feelings to, it's the reaction to the feelings, that is the issue or can be the issue. And that's what we try to teach our kids is there's a right and wrong way to react to something, but the feeling is never wrong. So if you mommies are feeling rageful, there's a super important and very tangible and very necessary reason you're feeling all of those things. And we need to acknowledge it. But just like going to the doctor, you always asking for that diagnosis, like why am I feeling this way. So that's what we want to try to get to is the root of the issue, to help you figure out where the rage is coming from and how to deal with it, and also how to create situations where perhaps you're able to release more of your feelings more often. So it doesn't build up to that really rageful moment.

Lindsay Miller  4:07  
Yes, I love the way you describe that. It reminds me of a conversation I had with my therapist, like way back when I started going to therapy, and I was feeling frustrated and angry and sad about some things. And she was like, you seem like you're kind of like trying to hold a beach ball underwater. Like those emotions, they're gonna pop up somewhere. And you're like, you never know when they're gonna pop up. You know, if you're trying to hold that ball underwater and a wave comes it's like,

Florence Ann Romano  4:32  
that's such a great visual too, because I can even like feel myself right now being like, I know what that feels like to try to, you know, do that. I love that great image.

Lindsay Miller  4:40  
Yeah, but I think that's exactly what you described, like, instead of like fighting it and trying to just be like, I'm not feeling this. I shouldn't feel this. I don't feel this saying like, whoa, I'm feeling this. Let's get to the bottom of it and figure out how to relieve some of this pressure. So you're great at understanding triggers. So talk to us about what some of those triggers are for moms like what kind of initiates that sense of rage.

Florence Ann Romano  5:02  
I always think people tend to think it's always has to be a big problem. It's like one big issue. And in life, it's really never one thing. It's usually a lot of things that build up or, you know, you get in that fight with like your spouse or your significant other, and you're like you, like lose it. And you're like, why did this thing trigger me and like, now I'm letting all this unleash, there's no reason why, you know, just the fact that your shoe is in front of the door, and now I'm screaming at you, you know, but that's what you know, all of a sudden, you're unleashing it in that moment. And it's never about that thing, usually. So, for moms right now, you know, I always talk about how moms tend to take a disproportionate amount of the work and a family on and that's just the way it is. It's true, not to devalue anyone that is a single parent and doesn't even have that help. But when you do feel like there is that help, perhaps they're in the vicinity, and you're not getting that assistance, you're not feeling that support, those feelings of resentment are very real and can come out, you know, can come bubbling to the surface. But one thing I always tell moms is, you know, you are all day long be I need this, I need that Mommy, do this, mommy do that your need, you're needed for so many things in your being touched constantly. And you're sleep deprived, and there's always something that needs to be done, and you're behind. And, you know, so it's, it's all of that, that that comes bubbling to the surface. And you know, I even myself, like when I was a nanny, I would come home sometimes at the end of the day. And I was like, if one more person touches me to where I'm so I mean, because like sometimes you're just like overly touched because it's hanging on you and people. And so it's funny until you experience it yourself with your own children or just in your caretaker, whatever it is. Sometimes it's that, and sometimes it's an overly verbal life. Maybe you're a working mom, too. You're on the phone, you're on zooms are trying to take care of everything else. And by the end of the day, you are tucked out, and then your spouse wants to connect with you. And you're like, I don't really want to talk about my day. I just did my day. So it could be so many of those things can be the trigger.

Lindsay Miller  7:16  
Yeah. Yeah, those are all such great points. And I think what I'm seeing too, and I'm sure you're seeing it as well is with heightened stress levels for kids, the burden on moms is just like exponentially more right now. Right? When the kids are anxious and stressed. Like all those normal everyday things are just heightened. And your worry like is elevated because you're like, I'm seeing patterns here that I just they make me nervous, I don't know what to do, like my child changed during COVID Are my child is just like not managing, okay, right now we're behind in school, you know, whatever those things are, like, the weight of all of that kind of just like you carry it all through the day, right? And you

Florence Ann Romano  7:55  
feel responsible, I think, for everybody else's feelings. And my mom used to say that, that every she felt that sometimes, her mood depended on everyone else's mood. And that's not how it's supposed to be, you know, but I think that that is a very honest statement about what motherhood can feel like is I don't really get to feel how I want to feel or do what I want to do, or because I've got to take care of everything and everyone else around me. And I just love. i My mom didn't say that to us. Growing up, she said that us later as adults, that that was a very real emotion. But that also can be said, for people who even don't have children, you know, that sometimes you feel like in your relationship or in your friendships, that you're always the fixer, you're always the one that's trying to make things better. And I always talk about with my friends, how in relationships, that reciprocal nature of things is so important. But it doesn't mean it's tit for tat, it doesn't mean you're keeping score. But if you're constantly feeling depleted from taking care of everything and everyone else and there's no time for you, then you're not going to be able to continue being a caretaker or nurturer if that's what comes naturally to you and what you even like, you know, what you like perhaps, so it's ignoring these feelings that we have as humans as, as, as men, women, children, we're not doing ourselves any favors by ignoring it or pushing it down.

Lindsay Miller  9:28  
Yeah. Yeah. I'm glad you brought that up. Because I think in the process of recognizing our triggers and recognizing what's going on, we learned so much about ourselves, right? And about our relationships like you're describing if, like you're staying up at night and you can't sleep because you're worried about this child or because like, you're worried that you can't get everything done tomorrow because you've been helping this friend for the last three weeks or whatever it is, like really taking stock like of what's going on, you know, within you. And then you know, state stating a need or saying no or you know, whatever that looks like being able to Uh, kind of explore and work through some of those motions, because I think, I think there's a tendency, like you said, shove it down, or, like I shouldn't feel this way, like, right, you know, we're always like shooting ourselves and just saying, you know, I I'm better than this I don't I can give all day long and and I think there's just so much to be said for like you illustrated if we process those emotions in a healthy way and show our kids like, the reality of the full range of emotion. They're so much better equipped, right to engage in their relationships and in their life, because all those things are acceptable and normal in our home. And we're like a trusted resource for how to deal with them instead of like, my mom never got mad. So I don't know, you know, when in reality, you're like crying in the closet, because you're so overwhelmed and frustrated and angry that you can't, you know, like, you can't show up. And so I think that the authenticity piece is huge for for kids and adults fillet. Right.

Florence Ann Romano  10:55  
Right. And being authentic. I think that that's such a, it's such a trendy word. I think, today now, and I love that we're using that word more. But I think the authenticity of our, of our emotions, I think is that's so vulnerable. And you know, to be authentic is vulnerable. So I think everything kind of all roads are kind of leading back to that of how can we find ourselves, you know, through all of these different situations are navigating these situations, but also be true to ourselves and give ourselves the time to actually figure out what that means to what does it mean to be authentically me? What does it mean for me to be vulnerable? What does it mean for me to be able to ask for help, or what I need, then that I think is an a constant exercise that we have to be doing with ourselves with our children. It's, it is just like anything, it is just like working out or anything like that you have to constantly work at it in order to see the results. It's not just something you do once and you're like, I can do that perfectly. And it's no big deal. I you know, I think that self discovery is really important as we continue to just navigate life.

Lindsay Miller  12:14  
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's such a good point. And I think, in the realm of authenticity, there's also the option where you can take like, Well, I'm just feeling mad. And this is what I'm going to, you know, I'm feeling mad, so I'm going to express it, or I'm feeling this rage. And I'm going to, and I think that's where the mindfulness comes in. Right is processing the emotion giving ourselves that space to act intentionally. Once we honor the like authentic feeling that we're having, right? Once we're vulnerable. We say like, I'm feeling really angry right now, what's going on? Or what do I need in this moment, like you said, and doing that continual reflection in a mindful way. That's what opens the door right to heightened connection with our kids to heighten connection with ourselves, and the ability to diffuse some of those emotions before they become that Overwhelming Rage that just kind of takes over.

Florence Ann Romano  13:06  
Exactly. And you want to try to limit that not because you're like, Oh, I feel bad, you know that I'm letting it out on people. Yes, that can be a reason why, but it's also to help you not feel crazy. Let's be honest, you know, we don't want to feel like that when you know, you feel sad, or you feel depressed or you feel angry, gosh, you want to do anything, you can not feel that way. So it's about trying to limit the amount of time that you yourself even have to cycle through that.

Lindsay Miller  13:33  
Yeah, I love that. Okay, so let's get into it. What are some of the strategies you have? I know you have a variety of them to cope with that rage. So like when you're feeling like you're getting caught up in what's going on, or you feel like, overwhelmed by the slew of things that have hit you today. And that, you know, Final Straw breaks the camel's back, and you're just losing it was what are the ways? What are the ways to cope? Well, one

Florence Ann Romano  13:56  
thing I'm learning actually, if we're going to be vulnerable about things, one thing I'm learning in my life, at this age, truthfully, is that I need to sometimes walk away, I sometimes do need to walk away from the situation, whether that's with children, or my boyfriend, or whatever it is that I, I need to take a minute because I know I'm going to say something I regret or I'm not going to handle the situation as well as I would if I could collect my thoughts a little bit. And I think that moms, you know, you're trying to do everything as best you can and handle things in the moment and just survive another day. And I think that we have a lot of pressure to to handle things immediately and instantaneously. And forgetting that we actually have the choice to walk away for a minute is a really important tactic. It's a really important strategy in so many different places in life, but with your children, you can feel Don't like you can say that to them that you know what I need a few minutes, I'm going to go in the other room, I love you. And we're going to continue to talk about this. But I need, I need a minute. And you can go ahead and have that minute Who knows if the kids will leave you alone, but you can try to have that minute. I don't know, I you know, but it's just the idea of also communicating in that moment, hopefully to your children as they get older, and they themselves have confrontation, they themselves have to figure out how to be an effective communicator, and a respectful communicator, that maybe they'll remember that as they see you practice it that I can do that, too. I can say I need a minute. And so it's again, it's kind of twofold here, what you're doing for yourself, but also remembering that you're always a role model. They're always watching you, and you want them to repeat that healthy behavior. So it starts with you though. And you know, I've had to notice that even in myself, that sometimes when I have an argument that I know, I'm pushing it too far, I'm not stopping. I'm making it worse. I'm escalating it. I'm recycling things that I've said before. And so you know, it's easier said than done. And I just want everyone to know that this is not something I do perfectly either. And I am constantly trying to practice it too.

Lindsay Miller  16:16  
Yeah, I hear you on that for sure. Like Lindsey, you should stop talking. Now, it'd be a good time for you to just get quiet, like, take a minute.

Florence Ann Romano  16:28  
Anyway, with me, like, I'll say that to myself, I'll be like Florence, and you're being totally unreasonable. And I will say that to me. And I know, I'm bi, but I keep going. And I know I'm being unreasonable. So I mean, we're all human and happens, but you know, but that's what I'm saying. It's it's a practice, just like yoga, or meditation or anything like that is a practice, there's a reason they call it the practice of this or the practice of medicine, or whatever it is, because it's not something that you just do one time, and you ace it.

Lindsay Miller  16:55  
Yeah, yeah, for sure. Well, and the way you describe it was great, because I think also sometimes recognizing when our kids are in the space to have the conversation, you know what I mean? Like, if the rage is flying in both directions, really like the productivity there is zero, right? Nobody's gonna get anything done. There's not going to be problem solving that happens if everyone is like completely beyond their coping, right thresholds. And so noticing that like, Okay, if I want this to be a productive conversation, if I want something like if I just want to, like spew emotion out like a Jackson Pollock painting, now's the time to keep talking, right? Yeah. But if I want like a productive skillful conversation or resolution to this, neither of us is in a space for that to happen. And so in my, it's in my best interest in my child's, for us to continue this later. And noticing that and just bringing awareness like, hey, it looks like neither of us in our plate are in a place to have this conversation in a way that's helpful. Maybe we could take a minute, you know, and then is it later? Like, I think, like you said, when we educate them on, like, when is actually the time to work through? And when have we hit the point where there's nothing that's going to be useful here?

Florence Ann Romano  18:08  
Exactly. You're like, there's just no chance of me being reasonable or logical about anything right now. I'm just mad, you know what I mean, like, and that's okay, too. I mean, that happens. But I guess the second, the second strategy to that, too, is, you know, we, you and I have talked a lot about it, I talk a lot about it, you know, Instagram, things like that, about creating a space for community creating a space for village and what that means in so many different ways, but specifically the asking for help art. And I always talk about how it's not about the quantity of the friendships, it's the quality of the friendships, and we all are, I hope everybody has that one friend that you know, you can call and say, I do not need advice right now, I just need to let it out. And maybe that's just in five minutes between schlepping the kids here, there and everywhere. And you call and you just say I just need to let it out. Because if I don't let it out to someone, I'm going to take it out on my kids. And I don't want to do that. So it's about figuring out where's the release? Where can you find these moments of release in your life more frequently. So you don't have that extremely long fuse that okay, building up building up, and then it blows and it's a huge massacre. So the idea of how do I release my feelings more frequently? And who am I doing that with? How am I doing that? That's the question we need to ask ourselves. It doesn't always have to be talking to somebody. It can be something you're doing for yourself, too. But it's just acknowledging what works for you.

Lindsay Miller  19:44  
Yeah, yeah. And it's so powerful to realize what that is. Right? And then to be able to once we've done that for ourselves, and we know we can guide our kids through what works for them. One of the things I do with my clients that I work with on Zoom is bubble wrap. Like they love bubble wrap. So they're angry, like, they'll stump it, right? Topic. In our house, sometimes if we're angry, we'll be like, okay, you know, cuz I always had like an Amazon package. And you got like an extra bubble wrap around. Like, it might be time for some bubble wrap. Yeah. And so just like, you know, just whatever the thing is, but it's so important to know, like, in this moment, like you said, How can I diffuse this? How can I let this go, whether it is calling in your village, whether it is like having an action that you take, journaling? I know you've talked about, like, screaming into a pillow, you know, just giving yourself something like some way some energy of the emotion go, because I think sometimes we also don't recognize that emotion is energy, right? It's like, everything's energy.

Florence Ann Romano  20:44  
Yes. And, and that energy, we all know what that feels like to be somewhere and the energy feels really thick in the room, or, you know, it's, I think we all are more intuitive beings than we give ourselves credit for. It's just how aware you are and, you know, tapping into that. But children are really aware of that very permeable energy. And, you know, they know that this is a great example, I might, so my, my brother has autism. And when he was little, and my dad would get upset. My dad, even if he didn't yell, though, my dad, you know, was a yeller. But he kind of didn't yell at Michael, all that often. Because a child with autism isn't, you know, that's, that's, they're very sensitive. But my dad would get upset. And even if he wasn't upset with Michael, but my dad was upset with maybe me or another sibling, my dad's brow would first would would get all the lines in it, and my brother would walk up to my dad and try to smooth out his forehead. And because Michael knew that dad was upset. And so you know, even for Michael, where comprehension was an issue, he wasn't maybe understanding the words that were being said, he understood that the energy in that moment was making him nervous, or, you know, made whatever his feeling was. And that was his way of trying to fix the situation or trying to make my dad feel better. And so I think we have to remember that kids, whether they have special needs or not are neurotypical they, they are feeling a lot of things around them. And we have to give them I think, more credit than sometimes we do. People are like, okay, they don't know what's going on. They don't understand. And kids understand so much more than we give them credit for.

Lindsay Miller  22:34  
Yeah, yes. Oh, I'm so glad you shared that example. Thank you, I think there's a lot to be said too, for how much they attribute it to their own actions. Yes, I said, oftentimes, even if you're mad at something that happened at work, or you know, you're mad at something in your neighborhood, going out whatever it is external, you know, global events, kids have such a propensity to take that on, you know, and like attribute it is something they did. And if we can develop the language and the coping skills to deal with it in a way that allows us to communicate it clearly, I think we relieve them of so much of the burden of our stress, because they naturally kind of think like, Well, this morning when I didn't make my bed, or I didn't put my shoes on, you know, and you might be having this huge reaction to something that's not even to do, you know, maybe it is to do with them. But it might not be something to do with them and, and being able to explain or acknowledge that, hey, the energy that I'm putting out like it's it's weight, it's getting felt in waves by everybody around me, whether it's like your brother, whether or not I'm communicating it with words. Like I need to address it, because it's something that's affecting our family. And,

Florence Ann Romano  23:42  
and that, that that's exactly the nugget is how is it affecting our family, because it isn't usually just one person that is having the reaction to it, you know, if it is permeating the, the the air, then other people are going to feel a certain way about whatever's going on. I always felt that way too, like, you know, and, you know, my dad was upset about something with one of us or something. And, you know, the other siblings, you know, it affects how they feel, too. And everyone's kind of on edge. And Mom is too, you know, in seven so that all of a sudden, you're like, we're all having reactions to this situation. And it's not just isolated. And you can't fix everything, you know, I mean, in that you just you can't you know, but acknowledging, though, that, you know, we are imperfect, and we're going to make mistakes, and we're not always going to react the right way. You know, that's going to be that's going to happen. But the point of me saying this is that the failure of that failure is important and acknowledging that it wasn't handled well is important too, and parents should feel that they can say to their child, I'm sorry. I didn't handle something the way I wish I did. I shouldn't have said this, you know, whatever it is that your child You're trying to apologize, but normalizing apologizing to your child, I think that there is a misconception that if you apologize to your child, then you're not the authority anymore. And I think that was a very old school mentality. Because I know different parenting styles from when I was younger, I saw that happen. But as I got older and older, I did see, I think even my dad's behavior change as he realized that no, you can say I'm sorry, but there can still be a lesson learned in that moment as well. And you're not losing your your role as the parent. So I also want people to remember that, again, you're trying to emulate that behavior. So your child eventually is going to be able to think critically about their situations in their life and say, I remember when I was growing up, and this is how things were handled. And you know what I can handle that now to in my friendships, or my relationships, or at work, or whatever it is. And so again, it's it's never just about meeting the moment. It's also about kind of setting up things for the future. Yeah,

Lindsay Miller  26:11  
so well said, I love the way you described, the, like the trickle of that action, because I think it is easy to just get lost in like, I need you to do this thing right now. Know what I mean? And to forget, like, actually, I'm teaching long term skills, I'm teaching interactions for work the workplace for friendships. And, and I think that what you pointed out about not thinking of an apology as part of a power struggle, like an apology has nothing to do with a power struggle that's just like a human interaction. Right, right. And like, when you have humans in your house, they're going to interact in that way. And apologies are going to be necessary because we're up on each other's toes. And there's no power dynamic that needs to, like come into play when it comes to like treating someone like a human.

Florence Ann Romano  27:01  
Exactly. And that there's, there was a line I saw the other day that someone said, if you want to be kind, just be kind, you know, like, it should just be that simple, you know, just just to be kind. And we're not always going to be perfect at that either. You know, I mean, sometimes I'm driving, there's a little road rage that comes out. And I feel kind of bad about that later. I'm like, Why did I do that, like that is just so inappropriate. But you know, again, we're not perfect. But the idea of remembering, and this is what makes probably part of parenthood. So daunting sometimes is you're kind of tired of having to always be an example. You're like, can I ever mess up? You know, because someone's always watching me. And then you're like, going to bed at night with this laundry list of regrets. You're like, I feel guilty about this, I feel guilty about this, I did this, I should have done that. You know, and that's, you know, keeps parents up at night, especially moms, you know, I'll have like my friend tell me, here's my husband, totally peacefully sleeping. I'm sitting there having like, all the like going through all these problems and regrets in my brain. And so yes, it is a lot to think about the responsibility that we have when we are trying to, you know, raise these tiny humans to be these really great adult human beings one day. But I think also remembering that we ourselves as adults can go back to our childhood, if you ask anyone, I'm sure they can. And think of something that their parents did, right? Think of something their parents did wrong. And my mom always would say to us take what we did, right and use it take what we did wrong and lose it. And I can tell you, you know, if anyone asked me that question, a whole laundry list of things that I remember from my childhood that have influenced me as an adult. One thing I talked about the other day, was that forgiveness, there's this big idea about you know, can you forgive? Do you believe in forgiveness? What does forgiveness mean to you? And there was a quote that said, I forgive often, but I trust once, and it made me think of my mom, because growing up, my mom would always say to us, I trust you. But if you break that trust, then it's going to take a very long time to repair that. And I didn't realize until I read that quote, that that is how I operate my adult relationships is I do forgive basically everything because my definition of forgiveness I heard once is giving up the hope that the past could be any different. So I do forget, because I can't change what happened. But I definitely reserve my trust for people that have never betrayed it, earned it, whatever it might be. And I didn't realize until that moment that it's true once that that trust is betrayed I tend to feel very differently about of that person doesn't mean I'm not kind to them, doesn't mean I'm not respectful, but it doesn't mean that I allow them in my life in a meaningful way, perhaps or have a deep relationship. But anyway, my reason for this tangent is I think that we forget that as children that there are these lessons or these values that our family has instilled in us that do get taken into adulthood with us. And even if we don't realize it has shaped how we make decisions, or how we create relationships, and for me, it was a really meaningful moment, because I think my mom taught me a really valuable lesson about how I vet relationships in my life, how I protect myself how I create boundaries. So doing that with your children, and being very intentional about those lessons that you're teaching them, you know, don't don't minimize the idea that that it's not going to affect them going forward in their lives, that it's not going to be a useful tool for that.

Lindsay Miller  30:53  
Yeah, there was so much wisdom in there so much.

Florence Ann Romano  30:57  
That was just a really long, just No,

Unknown Speaker  30:59  
no, that was I was,

Florence Ann Romano  31:02  
I was there. So forgive me. No, I

Lindsay Miller  31:04  
loved it. No, I loved it. And I think the the tricky part of that is, and this circles back to the part of our conversation at the beginning, where we're just being really gentle with ourselves is that we can feel a sense of overwhelm, or we can feel a sense of optimism in those Yes, and it doesn't have to be dual, right, it can be a whole range of emotion. But I think a lot of times as parents, when we hear that messaging like this is going to impact for the rest of our life. You know, there's, there's a sense of overwhelm that can come but I think the the message that we can overlay is optimism, like that means we have the opportunity to teach our kids things right now in our home, that will, you know, they'll they'll carry with them for the rest of their lives, patterns that maybe we had, when we were growing up or things we you know, that we brought with us that maybe weren't the most skillful, we have the space to change those right now with this critical thinking with the awareness and the mindfulness and being able to just notice what's going on, and then make a choice on purpose. And I think, if we can, if we can remind ourselves of the normalcy of all of it, right, and then give ourselves the grace to just take the support that we need to move forward in a path that feels really skillful, and in integrity, with the values we want to teach. There's so much opportunity that we have as parents, and I think sometimes the overwhelm, masks the opportunity,

Florence Ann Romano  32:24  
that, Oh, gosh, I'd like you just, I'm gonna say back to you, there was so much wisdom in what you just said, It's so true, I you know that. And I love that phrase to use. And I love to subscribe to that too, about giving yourself grace. And I think that's a big part of what we're talking about here with the monrage stuff, too, is that you do have to give yourself that grace, allow yourself to also feel it and give it to others. It there are so many things in this world, you know, because the world is complicated that do overwhelm you. And you're talking about the optimism, you know, I tend to think of myself as a glass half full person. But I laugh because it depends on the day, sometimes in a situation. And you know, I'd like to think that that's how I am. But sometimes there are days where it's just a little cloudy in my world, and I'm not able to access that optimism and everything is just bad. You know. And so you think about that feeling as an adult, we're really not much different than we were when we were younger, you know, kids, sometimes it's just a bad day. And I'll say to friends, sometimes, you know, today's just a day that kind of needs to end in some days to, and some days are just days that need to end and days that you just need to get to the end of the day and survive it. And a child trying to figure out how to regulate their feelings and their emotions. That's something that we have to work through with them, we have to be patient about. But we also have to remember that they're not born with the knowledge of necessarily how to do those things. And if we as adults, and you and I are sitting here today having this conversation about struggling with how we're dealing with how do we expect a child who just popped into the world a few, you know, a few years ago and has no idea what that means, you know, to automatically know how to how to do that or behave. So that's why again, the responsibility of parenting is so great, because you are molding so much of these little minds and hearts. But again, remembering how you feel when someone hurts you or how you feel when you're sad, or how you feel when you're confused, or whatever it might be. Imagine a child trying to figure that out then without the emotional intelligence or maturity that we have, and maybe that will change your frame a little bit when dealing with the child and maybe it will create more compassion or more empathy or even maybe a little more patience.

Lindsay Miller  34:56  
Yeah, yeah, that was so rich. I want to touch on village because I think that ties in so beautifully here, you are such an advocate of building a village and how that's going to look different for different families and the kind of support you need is going to be different. And I know like in the role that I fill in the families that I work with, I love being part of their village, you know, because it, it does give you a sense of not going it alone, right? I think so many moms after especially the last couple of years, like the burden had to be all on them. And we touched on this in our last podcast, how it's like, it's not that way anymore, right? Like you can like we're out of the pandemic, for the most part, right, and we can build that village. And there's so many now more like virtual spaces. So let's go into that and talk to us about the ways you help families kind of identify like, what are the pieces of your village that are missing right now? And what do you need in order for you to be able to do this important work of parenting in the way that you want to?

Florence Ann Romano  35:54  
I have a book coming out in February, that's called Build Your village a guide to finding joy and community in every stage of life. And I, I decided to write the book, yes, based on my love for village and how much I believe in it. But truly, because you know that the phrase, it takes a village to raise a child, I love that saying, but I wanted to kind of cut it in half and say, okay, it takes a village. And then I thought about that. And but you know what, it's not just fair to think that only people with children need a village, we all do. And every stage of life, that village is going to look different from you know, being a teenager to being you know, living perhaps, you know, with, you know, a widow, you know, a spouse that has died, and you're all alone, and you don't have that community anymore. You know, what, how do you build a village then so it's looking at all the different scenarios. And so in my book, I developed six villagers that you identify with. And the six villagers, it's kind of like the The Five Love Languages. And throughout the book, you're going to kind of quiz yourself about who you need in your life and who you are, and other people's. And those six villagers are meant for you to say, oh, you know, I can identify with these people. And oh, you know what, I think I need that type of person in my village. That's what I'm missing. And so in the book, I talk a lot about my experience with village and being a nanny for all those years, but then also my personal life and how I've, you know, created my own village and the role I play in other people's. And it's about, again, the quality of the people that you have in your life. And it's about really that self awareness. And that's really what I want to encourage people to to figure out in their life is not feeling guilty for understanding that you deserve to have support. You deserve to feel that love, you deserve to see be seen, heard and understood. And how do you go about finding those people. And that's the hardest part, the hardest part for people is putting themselves out there. And you know, when we're in school, it's easy, you know, you're gotten kids everywhere. And that's how you make your friends and even for parents, okay, your you become friends with your kids, you know, the parents and all that. So you've kind of felt like you have that instant kind of built in community. If you come from a very strong Italian background, like I do have a big family, my grandparents lived with us, we had that village built in, but not everybody has that. And so when you actually have to go out and search for it, that takes a lot of vulnerability. You have to join clubs or book clubs or you know, maybe it's through your church or through, you know, joining a gym or something like that, and getting into a class and talking to people and making those relationships. Someone like me, you could drop in the middle of the United Center here in Chicago, and I would have no problem talking to the entire stadium. Not everybody wants to do that. And so I can understand how that is scary to think that I need to put in the effort and be vulnerable and expose myself in that way. And what if they reject me? And what if they don't like me? And there's a lot that goes into that. And so it's it's about first creating that confidence to know that you deserve it. And then second saying, Okay, I need to be the solution to this problem. I always talk about how the village you know, that's a great saying, but no one really gives you directions to the village. You know, there's no numbers at all. There's not like a map or something. That's kind of why I wrote the book was to really give you directions to the village but the truth is, I can give you the directions, but you need to get in your car and drive. And that's really what building relationships is. That's how you get a village if it's not just built in for you.

Lindsay Miller  39:56  
Yeah. Oh, well. I'm so excited about the book. First of all, I can't wait to read it. And I love that because I think that there's so much power in that village mentality. But you're right like, and especially in our modern time when that village is virtual, when there's so many options, sometimes again, that overwhelm can set in, like, I don't even know where to look for my people, I don't even know where they are, what to do. And so learning, like you're saying, to trust yourself, and to kind of tune into your instinct about what you need, and then take a framework and some guidance to figure out where where your gaps are. That sounds like such a powerful teaching and process to engage with

Florence Ann Romano  40:35  
and what you're interested in, you know, maybe you're a big reader, maybe you love books, well, then a book clubs, probably a good idea for you, you know, or maybe you love the outdoors, you know, you join a hiking group or something like that. It's, it's about figuring out again, you know, what will fulfill me and bring me joy? And then where can I find that where I can connect with other people that have those common interests? It's just like dating. I mean, we've all been there, right? I mean, it's like, you go on to apps, and you're like, oh, okay, I like the outdoors. And I like this. And that it's kind of the same thing to, you know, when you're building friendships or things like that. But it depends on the stage of life. Like I said, you know, if you are an elderly person, and you are isolated, and your friends have all passed away, and you know, you don't have family, you know, that's a challenging for someone that's very lonely for someone. But there's a way to rectify it, of course. But again, it takes effort, and it takes thoughts and it takes, you know, bravery and all of those things. So, just knowing though, that you, you can change that environment for yourself, you have the power to do it. It's just maybe sometimes you need a little bit of encouragement, and you need someone to maybe hand you that, that guideline that sheets, you know, the guidelines for it, and then go off and try. But it's, it's it's vulnerable. It's definitely one of the most vulnerable things to do. But it's worth it. It's worth it to have those relationships.

Lindsay Miller  42:05  
Yeah, it's so true. I just got an email yesterday from a friend of mine who I met through some humanitarian work. And you know, that people that I love humanitarian work, because I know you do, too. And the people that I met, as I kind of made that initial foray into that are people that I just hold dear, you know, and it's funny that those relationships perpetuate. I mean, we're decades apart, like double in age and some insights, as you know, but the like, the ways the tethers that you create in those moments, they bind you because like you're saying, it's things you're passionate about, it's things you care deeply for. And they're the ways that you create meaning in your life. And when you find other people who create meaning in those ways. Like you said, it's powerful. And it it does provide you with that sense of community. So well, I can't wait to read it. Yeah, sounds amazing. So as we close, one of the things that you, you say is for people to start and end their day with time for themselves. And I really love that like circling back to this idea of mom rage and figuring out how to get ourselves support in the way that we need it, figuring out like, what are some simple things we can offer ourselves at the beginning and the end of the day to lend us just like a boost.

Florence Ann Romano  43:13  
My one girlfriend taught me a long time ago that she was willing to sacrifice a little bit of her sleep to have some alone time in the morning. And that's where she does, she gets up, you know, like 2030 minutes ahead of time. And she's alone with her cup of coffee, and she journals or she prays or she meditates whatever it is. And she says that she feels the difference when she does not do that. And how she parents differently how she's a friend differently, how she has a daughter differently when she doesn't get that time. And at the end of the night to some girlfriends will say to me Listen, I stayed up way longer than I should have, that I needed those 30 minutes to binge watch whatever it was that I had on TV because I wanted just to be alone in that moment. So it's again about finding those little things that are going to fulfill you again, it's not even about the routine of it. It's not like every Monday and Wednesday, I'm going to do this and maybe that works for you. And you can do that in your life. But maybe it's about just being aware during the day, like Oh, I'm gonna have 15 free minutes between kids and things like that, you know, I'm going to call one of my girlfriends that I haven't talked to, I just want to say hi real quick, I'm just gonna sit alone. I'm gonna go take a walk around the block, whatever it is. Don't think about it as the consistency has to be there. The routine has to be there. It just has to be what is going to bring you a little bit of peace and a little bit of joy in that moment and be aware during the day have moments that are that are there for you to grab and use for that because they usually are there you just have to be cognizant of it and then also know that you deserve it. That you can take those 15 minutes for yourself and no you don't need to fold that laundry right now. You can just sit down on the couch and scroll through Facebook that really makes you happy. Be, but you know, it's just about knowing that you deserve those minutes of time that are going to start and end with you.

Lindsay Miller  45:08  
I love that. I love that so much. This has been as always an incredible conversation. Thank you again for joining me. I've loved it and all that you shared has been so so rich help people know how they can connect with you how they can find you. Can we preorder your book? Oh, gosh,

Florence Ann Romano  45:24  
the preorder is not out yet. But I'll tell you as soon as but you can follow me along on Instagram for Dan Romano. I talk a lot about the book there. And we'll be talking about more in the coming months as we get closer and closer to February. And my website to florins dan.com. I have all the blogs and everything that you can ever need to kind of help you through the day or give you ideas about how to keep your kids, you know, entertained this summer so you don't lose your mind. But I also answer every DM on Instagram. So if you ever needed a virtual shoulder, I am here for you.

Lindsay Miller  45:57  
Thank you, thank you for the work you do in the world and for your time here with us today. Thank you so much. And that's the episode. Anytime I get to talk to Florence. And I really always feel like life is much more doable afterwards. So her words and just her experience and wisdom always are uplifting to me and helped me normalize the moments that can be challenging, and then leave me feeling inspired to just do my best. I would love to hear what you took away from this episode and what resonated with you. Thanks again for being here. 

You've just finished an episode of The Stress Nanny podcast. So hopefully you feel a little more empowered when it comes to dealing with stress. Feel free to take a deep breath and let it out slowly as you go back to your day. I'm so glad you're here. If you're a longtime listener, thank you so much for your support. It really means the world to me. If you're new, I'd love to have you follow the podcast and join me each week. And no matter how long you've been listening, please share this episode with someone who is stressed out. If you enjoyed the show, would you please do me a favor and go to ratethispodcast.com/thestressnanny and leave a review. The link is in the show notes. I'm so grateful for all my listeners. Thank you again for being here. Until next time!

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