Talking with our kids about tragedy

Lindsay Miller  0:22  
Welcome to The Stress Nanny podcast. I'm your host, Lindsay Miller. And I'm so glad that you're here. I had another episode scheduled for this week. But in the wake of current events, I opted to do a solo episode about talking with kids about tragedy. 

In the week that I'm recording this, the United States has experienced an extremely heartbreaking tragedy in Texas, where a gunman entered a school and killed a number of children and teachers. In the wake of events like this, it can be really, really hard to know what to say to our kids, and to process our own feelings around it. Today, I want to share some steps that are directly from the National Child Traumatic Stress Network, and expound on them a little bit to help you talk with your kids about world events like this. And whether you're listening in the future, or whether you're finding this at a time when you've experienced your own tragedy, these steps can be applicable in any situation. So as adults, we a lot of times find ourselves overwhelmed by emotion in these moments, right, we feel a sense of fear, we feel stressed, we feel concern, we feel so much compassion and deep grief. And there's so many, so many ways we can get support for those emotions, you know, talking to other adults, talking to a partner, a friend, a parent, you know, a trusted advisor, whether it's a mental health professional, or, you know, someone who serves in a mentor type role for us. And in those moments, it's really, really good to try to fill our own cup process our own grief, so that when we show up with our kids, we're not kind of asking them to process our grief, or to help us, you know, navigate how we feel about something. So once we've kind of gotten the support we need as adults, whether we're journaling or talking to someone or just processing, you know, in groups that we're in, then we are in a position to connect with our kids. I'm going to keep this part brief because I've got a bit of a cold this week, and I'm not sure how long my voice will last. So the first thing to do is start the conversation. And sometimes this is the hardest part. Because we don't want to be the ones to bear bad news, we don't want to be the ones that scare our kids or, you know, burden them with more information than they are already aware of. But another way of thinking of this is that they are probably going to hear about it, especially for a widespread tragedy. Or if it's a tragedy within a family, there's eventually going to be a moment where it surprises them. And so if we bring it up to them and just kind of start a conversation, we can help them start to process it during a time when they have the space and the support to deal with the big feelings that come with it. So it's also important to bring it up because sometimes our silence makes it feel more scary. I know there have been times in my own family where really hard things have happened. And I thought maybe if I was just quiet about it, it could go unnoticed. But a lot of times with kids, what happens is with silence, they interpret it as something being wrong with them or something that's like too overwhelming for the adult to talk about. And so they don't see the adult as a safe space to process. And that's really hard because you want to be the safe space for your kids to process big feelings and hard things. And after you bring it up, a good place to start is to ask what they already know. So the second step is to just find out, find out what they've heard, what they're curious about answering any questions that they might have. Sometimes they might not know when you're introducing it for the first time. And so you gently relate details in a way that doesn't give them all the info, necessarily like it doesn't have to be this step by step or play by play of what happened in the tragedy. But it gives them an overarching idea of what what went on. In those moments, we have to be prepared for strong emotion from our kids. We also have to recognize that a strong emotion might come later. So as we're talking with them, they might experience some sadness, some grief in that moment, but we might see anger later we might see an inability to focus or concentrate. So notice what's going on for them in the moment when you're talking to them, but also recognize that they're going to be processing what you share over time and then it's going to look really different for different kids and in different scenarios. And so know that this moment is going to extend well past the conversation, that moment of processing. So is you talk with your child sometimes you may be You know, become aware that they've have information that's incorrect. And if that's the case, just offer a gentle correction or a different perspective on the information. We really in these moments want to help kids feel a sense of empowerment and control as much as possible. And it's one of the hard things about talking about tragedy like this, especially when it comes to school shootings is that there's a level of helplessness that so many people feel around it that is really, really hard to handle. So anything we can do to help kids feel, feel empowered, including, like respecting the information that they do have, can be really helpful to them. So just giving age appropriate descriptions of what went down, or how things played out, that's usually the best way to walk them through either inaccurate information or a retelling of the event. Always, always, always ask if they have questions. So I know in our house this week, as we had conversations, it was my daughter wasn't aware of the school shooting in Texas. And so we talked a little bit about it. And then I was just, you know, continually, what questions do you have? What questions do have an oftentimes you'll find that kids have different questions than what you would anticipate. And a lot of times, they're way more simple than the questions that you think they might have. And so again, we offer age appropriate information. And then we also really answer honestly, because again, this is a moment when our kids are coming to us for information and support. And they, they need to see us as a trusted source. So if we don't give them the answers to their questions, they'll look for those answers somewhere else. And so a lot of kids in moments like this are going to have concerns about this kind of thing happening at their school. And as a parent, that's probably going to strike you right to the heart, because that's a fear that you have also. And so in that moment, noticing your own fear and allowing yourself to feel it while also helping to direct your child to a sense of safety. And empowerment can be really helpful. Acknowledging the vulnerability is important. And then shifting them into a space where they can feel a little bit more safe is also really important. So we can talk about how it while this is awful, and it has happened, there are a lot of places where this isn't happening, right, or talking them through the drills that they do at school to help them stay safe, or the teachers and trusted adults that they have. I know in some of my client calls this week, we've ended up talking about the shooting. And I've seen kids with like a sense of safety and calm knowing their teachers are looking out for them. And their teachers know how to help them in those moments. And as a parent, sometimes you can see a little bit of a different perspective on that. But they don't need that perspective necessarily right now, right. And so while you might feel a level of helplessness around it, you can also help them to lean into that trust they have in their teachers and in the drills and in the the ways that they've identified safe spaces in their classrooms, and build on that. So they can also, you know, benefit from facts. And so helping them know that there are a lot of parents, especially now but you know, there have been a lot of parents for years and years and years, working to make schools more safe working to make guns less accessible to people who are going to do bad things with them, you know, working to create awareness around mental health, and supporting people who have problems before they get to a point where they're inflicting harm, you know, just really giving them some concrete information about what is being done to support them and

protect them and keep them safe. That can be really helpful also. And again, opening ourselves up for continued questions, continued conversation, like, please come back to me if something else comes up. I'm here for you to talk about this anytime you need to. Same with the emotional aspect of it. I'm here to help you if you're feeling really sad about this, if you feel overwhelmed or angry, I really, really understand and I want you to come tell me or I can help you or I'm happy to listen. Or we can go break something, you know, I mean, whatever it looks like in your house, but no help them. No, you're the safe space for questions and for emotional support. So also limiting media exposure can be really helpful. And that's one of the things the National Child Traumatic Stress Network recommends is, especially when this is going to be in the thick of the news cycle kind of keeping kids away from the details and helping them to process it in a way that shields them a little bit from some of the harsher realities of it, while also allowing them to connect with the compassion. One of the things that I liked To Do In moments like this is look at the helpers and direct kids attention in my attention to the people who are helping the people who are showing up the people who are making a difference. So just with a quick search, you see that there are tons of people setting up GoFundMe, there are a lot of funds for, you know, different victims of the violence as well as you know, just the community in general, for first responders, there are people taking puppies, you know, to support the first responders because they were struggling, as you know, after, after navigating the event, as well. So it's so heartening, even in times of distress, to see people who are helping and people who are reaching out. And I think it's empowering for kids to see if there's something they can do also. So whether it's sending a card, to the school, you know, or a postcard, whether it's doing a little bake sale, or lemonade stand outside and donating to the GoFundMe, even if it's just a couple of dollars, it helps them feel connected to that sense of goodness and community that is kind of enveloping and surrounding those most affected by the tragedy. And joining in that can be really helpful for kids and help them realize that other people out there are doing good things. And realize that there are a lot of opportunities to show compassion and to use their empathy in a way that is helpful. And for some kids, that's really important because they can kind of get stuck in the empathy and stuck in the sadness and stuck in the tragedy of it. And so helping them honor and acknowledge what they're feeling, and then move through it into a space of compassionate action can sometimes be really helpful, creating space for processing to look different. And I mentioned that earlier, can be really helpful for kids. Because if we say, Hey, I'm here for you, let's talk about this, I'm ready to support you in whatever ways I can. But then we don't pick up on some of the signs later, that like the reality of that conversation has settled with our kids. And now they are feeling a sense of overwhelm, then we miss out on an opportunity to soothe to help them walk through it and to teach them how to deal with big, big emotions, which is one of the things we're doing as we talk to them about tragedy. And so noticing, being aware, leaving space, all those things can support healing and support continued conversation, which is what we want, because we want kids to come back to us and continue the dialogue and ask for support when needed. So in that we kind of just offer ourselves as a positive role model we like talk about how it's hard again, using our adult community to process it. But then letting our kids see you know, like what we're doing, if we're making a difference or doing something or reaching out or, you know, calling or senators or whatever it is we let them in to kind of see how we respond to tragedy. And then we're patient as they respond in their own unique way. And then also not being afraid to ask for additional help when kids show signs of needing more support. Being willing to go you know, find that for them and get them the support that they need is really important. So I hope these were helpful, I'll link to the the PDF that I use to kind of walk through these steps as well. Some other resources in the show notes. I'm with you, as you're talking about your you know, talking with your kids about tragedy as with you're talking about your own heartbreak with people who are there to support, you know that there are people in the world who are doing good things and that as we take these small steps to help our kids process, unbelievable moments that we are making a difference for them and that we might stumble and fall and we might have no idea how to talk about it. And that's okay. It's the willingness to show up and the willingness to keep engaging. That's important. Please share this episode with anyone who would benefit and take such good care of yourself this week. Until next time!

Transcribed by https://otter.ai