The Journey from Worry & Anxiety to Creativity

Lindsay Miller  0:07  
You're listening to The Stress Nanny podcast and I'm your host, Lindsay Miller. I'm here to help you keep an eye on your family stress levels. In our fast paced lives, the ability to manage stress has never been more important for kids or adults. When it comes to stress, we have two choices we can decrease stress or increase our resilience to it. Here on the number eight ranked stress podcast, I interview experts and share insights to help you do both. When you tune in each week, you'll bring your stress levels down and your resilience up so that stress doesn't get in the way of you living your best life. I'm so glad you're here. Being there. 

Thanks so much for joining me today on the podcast. My guest is Sheryl Anjanette. And we are going to talk about how to move through the worry and anxiety that we often feel when we're trying new things or showing up bravely in our lives. And we're going to put it in the context of the last couple of years where so many people are feeling a sense of burnout about just everyday living, let alone you know, like reaching a goal or trying something new. So she's gonna talk us through seven archetypes that she's created around this idea of impostor syndrome and how if we can kind of acknowledge where we're at and then look for the tools and the support that we need, we can step into some of the more brave goals or moments that we have for ourselves. I hope you enjoy the episode. 

Welcome to The Stress Nanny podcast. I'm your host Lindsay Miller and I'm so glad you're here today to take your stress levels down a few notches. I'm looking forward to this conversation with my guests Sheryl Anjanette. Sheryl is an author, international speaker thought leader 30 years C suite executive global 100 Media Arts and Communication advisor, certified business strategist integrative hypnotherapist Neuro Linguistic Programming practitioner and mindset coach with advanced certifications in strategy and human performance, clinical stress and anxiety and self regulation in cognitive behavioral neuroscience. Sheryl and I are going to talk about a number of things and as the CEO of an Genet Wellness Academy and Awai media show shows individuals and teams how to overcome impostor syndrome and banish burnout. So today our conversation is going to touch on mindset. We're going to talk about impostor syndrome, and we're going to talk about burnout. Sheryl, thank you so much for joining me. Thank you, Lindsay.

Sheryl Anjanette  2:27  
So good to be here.

Lindsay Miller  2:29  
I want to talk a little bit about your recent book, and the different ways that you're helping people to overcome impostor syndrome. Can you talk to us a little bit about how you came to write it? And kind of like how you started to support people with these different facets of wellness?

Sheryl Anjanette  2:43  
Absolutely, absolutely. In fact, it's interesting, because this story is the the introduction to the book. It's almost like a it's a first chapter. And you know, I was working with manifestation, Lindsey, I was really working with people, groups and individuals to help them figure out the manifestation formula, how do you manifest. And I'd always say we manifest all the time, whether it's by default or by design, because so many people are just getting more the same are calling in the opposite of what they want. They feel like they're doing all the things. And so as I was working with people, I joined this audio app called clubhouse. And I heard people just talking about imposter syndrome, I have impostor syndrome, or I always feel like impostor syndrome is following me around and they talk to, they'd speak about their experience with it. And so I opened a room, I opened a club, and I started to talk with people. And I ran this club for over a year, it's still running, and really had people coming in. And we do the deep dive, and I heard the pain in their voice that that, you know, this is foundational, this is where the cracks are, this is where the gaps are. This is why people are not manifesting what they really want. Because again, we're always manifesting, right? We're always calling in that, that we think about. And so I thought, You know what, before we can get that piece fixed, we need to fix the cracks in the foundation, we need to figure out what the gaps are. And so I started to explore it, and I didn't, I'm kind of stubborn, I really, you know, I saw people giving great techniques, great ways that they felt they could, and they would say, Oh, this is the cure or what have you. But I didn't see people getting better. I thought no, no, something's missing. So I came up with my own approach my own formula to actually get past get past it get past impostor syndrome. Yeah.

Lindsay Miller  4:44  
So and let's dive into this for just a second and get a little more clarity here because I think if people are listening in they're like, impostor about what? Like, we can have impostor syndrome about anything, right?

Sheryl Anjanette  4:57  
Yeah, well, I think it's important to clear RFI, what impostor syndrome is, because people are confused about it. So let's just start with the definition, which is a psychological pattern where someone feels like they're not good enough in spite of their accomplishments. So if you really think about it, it's patterned, meaning not just behaviors, not just actions, but actually beliefs, thoughts, and self talk. And in spider, there's a disconnect between our actual accomplishments and the way we feel about them. Does that make sense? So? So for example, somebody that is experiencing impostor syndrome, they could look at the sheet and say, Yes, I have that degree. Yes, people are telling me I'm good enough. But inside, they still feel like they're going to be found out. People are going to find out that they're not as good as they thought they were. You see what I'm saying? So they may use the word fraud or phony or imposter, but they may not. I didn't, I just felt that disconnect. I felt like I felt like it was going to be exposed. And so here's the thing, a lot of people say, Well, does it mean you're an imposter? And the answer is no. Imposter Syndrome doesn't mean you're an imposter. And it doesn't mean other people think you're an impostor. It's that we feel like we're the imposter. Does that make sense?

Lindsay Miller  6:21  
Yeah. Yeah. And I love in your work, how you you illustrate that, like, and I love that the way you just described, it's the disconnect between reality really, and your beliefs about yourself.

Sheryl Anjanette  6:33  
Right? reality and perception. Exactly. And it does go all the way down to beliefs. And even before beliefs, what see I like to add, layer, uncover and discover. And I go even below the beliefs and I said, Okay, well, what caused the belief? You know, for example, my son will say, Well, I just don't believe I can do that. I say, oh, okay, you don't believe you can do that. And what would you like to believe? Would you like to believe? Would you like to believe that you can't do that? And he said, No, I'd like to believe I can. And I said, okay, so would you like to clear out the belief that you can't, and insert the belief that you can? And he just looked at me and said, Well, yeah, of course. Of course. Of course. I would like that. So, yeah, it goes all the way back

Lindsay Miller  7:28  
to beliefs. Yeah, no, I, that's a really good point that you make. And and that's what I like, the unconscious beliefs that we hold, because we might think, Oh, I don't have you know, I'm not afraid to write that book, or I'm not afraid to try that class, or I'm not afraid to. But really, if it's something that we want to do, but we're telling ourselves, we can't or we're not good enough, or there's not time or there, you know, there's something under there. that's holding us back, right?

Sheryl Anjanette  7:55  
Yeah. So like, at the core of imposter syndrome, are these feelings of not good enough? are not worthy, or I'm don't deserve it. I'm undeserving. Or, you know, my voice doesn't matter. Why would I speak? My voice doesn't matter, or I don't matter. Or I'm not lovable. You know, where did those come from? So when we really do the deep dive, our conscious mind, the cognitions says, oh, yeah, yeah, I know, I've got this. But underneath the feeling is, oh, no, I don't or I can't, or the belief is, I'm not good enough. I'm not good enough, they're gonna find out. So where does that come from? Right. Where does that come from? That's the deep dive. And one of the things I will say Lindsey, is, it's not our experience. It's not the experience we had. But it's the meaning we gave it the interpretation we had at that age at that time. So think of a little boy or a little girl. And, you know, they trip they fall in, they knock something over in the house, and mommy or daddy say, bad boy, bad girl. Don't do that. That's bad. Or maybe they don't even say that. Maybe they just say ooh, don't do that. Oh, oh, oh, shoot. With a little boy, the little girl that ah, they may look at that and say, Well, I'm a bad boy, or I'm a bad girl. And then our little minds, we look for evidence, right? Not just our little minds, our big girl Big Boy buttons, too. You know, as a big person, we look for evidence to make ourselves right. So then something else happens was it Oh, you see, I'm not good enough. Oh, there it is. Again, I'm not good enough. And each of these layers carries a weight and they become weighted together. So something else happens and maybe I am good enough. But if that's kind of light in my mind, and the other has more present, it's heavier, it's more in command that not good enough. I'm gonna still steer it. Towards that end, our mind tends to be wired to steer towards the negative anyway, we have a negative bias. You know, it's part of our, you know, safety net, so to speak, it's what keeps us safe. And so we tend to go to the negative why must not be good enough? Or worthy or deserving?

Lindsay Miller  10:20  
Yeah, well, and like, just to clarify, so if you're listening now, and you have a little kid, and you just yelled at him yesterday, try to let go of that guilt as you listen to this conversation. And also be mindful of the fact that like, so often like Cheryl's describing where our mental foundations are built on those moments, and it's one of the reasons I feel so strongly about mindfulness for kids, mindful parenting, the podcast, and you know, sharing insights around this with families is because those years being so formative offer us so many opportunities to help our kids build a solid and resilient mental Foundation, even with the moments when we're less than, you know, less than how we want to show up. And, and like you're saying, noticing our tendency to lean negative noticing our tendencies to to feel not bad enough, like those things hold us back from connecting, they hold us back from trying new things, they hold us back from knowing ourselves in the full, beautiful way that we could. And so these conversations are so important, right? Because the more we can engage with the process of like identifying those kinds of thoughts and beliefs and underlying experiences, and then letting them go, the more we start to build our life from a place of strength and intention, right.

Sheryl Anjanette  11:39  
Oh, absolutely. And I'm so glad you clarified that because, you know, when we're talking about impostor syndrome, we tend to look within, right, hopefully, we look at our own lives, we think about our selves, as a little girl or a little boy as a, you know, that child. And we look and we can go back, I think and say, in most cases, I know that some people grew up with really difficult circumstances or abuse or trauma. But in many circumstances, we can just look at our parents and say, that's actually not what they meant. Now, I understand, I understand. And so as a parent, if we turn that around, you know, the word that you used, opportunity is a very powerful word. It's our awareness of how we can just rephrase something, reframe something, not just for ourselves, but for our children, and it can have a really transformational effect for them. So reframing, you know, mistakes into missed takes, you know, like the directors Clapper, or they say, take one, take two, take three. It's like, oh, yeah, you, you, you try that. That's so cool. What did you learn from it? And let's iterate to Great, let's iterate to great and teach them that word. And Archie, great, oh, that's so cool. And get them used to loving the trying let like having fun and laughing at themselves when they fall down and giving others grace and space. And, you know, just reframing even saying to them, you know, because they may not seem to understand, but they'll take it all in. Oh, you're, you're a really good girl. You're really good boy. That wasn't such a good thing. I wonder what we could learn from it. You know, versus the thing being you're a bad person or a bad, you know, yeah, of course, I don't think we need for me to say that.

Lindsay Miller  13:39  
Separating the behavior from the worth, and making sure that the worth is always a very coherent message like you're worthy of love, affection, attention, belonging, acceptance, all the things all the time, no matter what. And then classifying behavior as behavior, and that having skillful and unskillful ways of showing Oh,

Sheryl Anjanette  14:01  
you know, it's interesting, too, because I have a whole chapter on confidence in my book. So the book is the imposter lies within, because it lies within and it lies within. And you know, there's a whole chapter on confidence. And it's really a little bit of what you're talking about. There's the confidence in who we are. That's not the behavior. That's not the competency. That's just who we are the value, the confidence in who I am my ability, even if I'm not able to do this yet, I know that if I really want to do it, I'm capable. And then there's the confidence in what we do, which is competence. And there's a learning curve there and a lot of people get confused with that. And they see competence as confidence. You see, but confidence is a two sided coin. So I love what you say about separating the value from the behavior Yeah,

Lindsay Miller  15:02  
I really appreciate that distinction to around competence and confidence. That's a really cool way to think of it. And I want to circle back a little bit to what you were saying earlier about trying new things, and being willing to engage in Brave moments. And one of the things that we've talked about here on the podcast before is letting kids watch you fall, you know, letting kids watch you be brave. And knowing that as you engage with the process of your own growth as you parent, that you teach them so many valuable things, right. And it's not always in your successful moments that you do that, right. It's, it's in all the moments. And so I think one of the things that I'm so intrigued about is your work it with your work is how you help parents kind of, or anyone look at what they actually want to do. Because imposter syndrome, like it's kind of a clue, right? If there's a moment where we're like, I'm not good enough to or I could never, I'm not the person who do you feel like it's a little bit like a clue of something you actually do want to do. But you're feeling this like sense of nervousness, you're feeling this, you know, your lack of worth to engage with it. And like taking that clue, and letting yourself engaged with the process of uncovering your imposter syndrome tendencies and then work through to a place of confidence. That's a huge growth step for you. And also such a beautiful thing for children to witness.

Sheryl Anjanette  16:31  
Oh, I think it's so so important, because, you know, we will fight for our limits. If we have limiting beliefs, if we really, if those are buried inside, we will find the excuses, we will find the explanations, why we shouldn't why we shouldn't. And when we can move from that worry in that fear into curiosity and creativity, when we can get on the creativity track instead of the worry, anxiety track. It isn't. It's amazing for us, but also as parents, it's amazing for our kids, because they're going to come against this over and over and over in their lives right over and over. And when they can see that we just kind of start to think out of the box. And let's go to our workshop. Let's go into our studio. Let's let's get curious. Let's get curious about what we don't know. You know, one of the things I think that happens, Lindsey is there's a natural tendency, there's something I call the healthy zone. So I'm going to talk a little bit about comparison here, but I want you to know is I'm talking about comparison, and I'm sure anyone listening is kind of going get that sinking feeling in their stomach like oh, that's me, I'm comparing myself to everyone. But with comparison, we can get into what I call now adaptive comparison, which is, most people think of that as normal, as natural. Comparing themselves means I'm going to find myself at the low end of the stick, means I'm going to always feel like I'm a little bit in competition with everyone else. But that's maladaptive comparison. Comparison can actually be our friend, because you see, there's this area I talked about. It's a term term I've coined called the heartbeat zone. And in the healthy zone, any emotion, any behavior, almost any behavior can be healthy. So for example, fear. Fear is something that's wired into us. It's something we need, right, we would run into the lion's den without theory keeps us safe. In the healthy zone, it's when it gets when you think of a pendulum swinging. And it swings outside of that center, off center, where it becomes maladaptive. And we might have the ruminating thoughts and they may keep us from going after opportunities or raising our hand or doing that thing. Comparison in the healthy zone. Can you imagine knowing who you are, if you didn't know who you weren't? Can you imagine light without dark day without Night? Good without bad? You see, comparison is the way that we understand ourselves and the world. And so here's what comparison in the healthy zone looks like. Comparison in the healthy zone means I'm sitting next to you on your podcast and I'm thinking, wow, wow, I am so brilliant because I attracted Lindsey to me and she asked me to be on her podcast. Wow, I got into this room. And I'm listening to these other moms who have like really rocked it with their businesses. They're doing these million dollar businesses and I haven't yet Wow, I'm a To be brilliant, because I've attracted these people to me and their models, now they can show me how they balanced all the things, the kids and the, you know, family life and starting a new business and maybe you know, all the things that we juggle. And so we stop comparing ourselves in a maladaptive way. And we actually start to just find comparison, as you know, a friend something that really is helpful to us. And self doubt is another one, right? We need doubt doubts, our discernment. So can you imagine if we had no doubt, really. I mean, life would be terrible, we believe every Tom, Dick or Harry, right. So all of these things in their healthy zone are healthy, they're healthy. And that's what we want to do. When we get past impostor syndrome, we don't get rid of them, we get them into this very adaptive, very healthy zone. And we know when something happens, how to get ourselves right back in.

Lindsay Miller  21:03  
That's so powerful. And I love the way you coined that like healthy zone, because I think we have a tendency, through the ways we kind of connected with emotion when we were younger, and the ways it's been taught culturally, for such a long time that those things are, like you said there that it's bad, or it's good, you know, we have either we have a really dual perspective on it. And like, especially with some of those more uncomfortable emotions, like you're saying, self doubt, or fear, anger, we can negate those into the bad column and try to avoid at all costs, instead of transforming them into emotions, like what they're actually intended to be as really informative feelings or sensations in our bodies, right? The energy that moves us to do something a little bit different, and so badly to conceptualize in that way, and then work with them in a healthy work with them in the healthy zone. That's so powerful.

Sheryl Anjanette  21:58  
Yeah, it is. So one of the things that I talk with people quite a bit about is my framework. And the reason I created a framework is a lot of people say, Well, I think I'm experiencing impostor syndrome, what does that mean, exactly? For me? And how am I and how are other people? Where do I start? Like, it's always like, okay, it kind of sounds like me, but what do I do? Where do I start? Yeah, so I created seven archetypes that really give people a starting point, it's, it's, you know, it's not meant to be a label. This is not a label, but it's more of you think about, if you had a body of symptoms, let's say, you know, your head was always you're always getting migraines, or your stomach was always hurting, or you're waking up, and you're really fatigued, and you go to the doctor. And they say, We have no idea what you have, it's all in your head. Or, you know, you know, we think it's probably just this take take, you know, take a couple aspirin and call me. So, you know, it's, it's very difficult to be undiagnosed or misdiagnosed. And this isn't meant so much as a diagnosis as much as a self assessment. But if you'd like I can tell you a little bit about the seven archetypes because I think, you know, moms, especially moms that are juggling, and working and trying to do all things can really relate to some and possibly even all of them, I related to all seven and I hear from a lot of people, they're like, ah, raise, that's me. All seven. So as you're listening to these, please don't be down on yourself. Please don't be hard on yourself. Just be happy that you're gonna have a starting point. This is a starting point. Okay. So first of all, there's the perfectionist, which so many people relate to in there actually three forms of perfectionism. There's this self critical perfectionist, so that's just me being really really hard on me. That's that inner critic, right? There's the other oriented perfectionist, and that's the perfectionist. And by the way, as a perfectionist, you can be all three of these as well. But that's where we kind of impose our perfectionism on other people. And, for example, I had a client who said, Oh, I'm not a perfectionist. And then after listening in the room for a while, she said, You know, I didn't think I was a perfectionist that I realized I can't even let my kids put their own peanut butter and jelly on their sandwich, because they'll do it wrong. And then there's and then there's this socially conditioned perfectionist, and that is where we might come from cultures or family dynamics are being professions that really ask us to be much more detailed, much more of a perfectionist like lawyers or doctors or engineers for sample or certain cultures, you know, kind of really push that. And then there's the people pleaser know people pleasers like that. And the people pleaser, I think we all know is the toxic giver, we give and we give and we give, we don't set boundaries, we have trouble saying no we, we put ourselves last we subjugate our own needs to the needs of others. And we tell ourselves the story of I just have to, or I'm just a really good person, I'm a really good person, I'm gonna do good or, you know, I'm there for everyone. You know, they're gonna love me because I'm there for everyone. So really, at the core of that is I, they're going to love me. I'm going to be accepted, I'm going to be good enough, because I'm doing all things for all people. But what happens with the people pleasers, we end up feeling resentful. We don't mean to. And it's hard on relationships, because the other person say, Well, I'm confused. You said yes. And now you're upset with me? You know, so setting boundaries is really, really healthy. So those are the first two, should I keep going? Yeah. There's the Lone Ranger, the Lone Ranger, it kind of goes it alone, they're afraid to ask for help. Because asking for help, might expose them, someone might find out they're not as good as they thought they were, they tend to have trouble delegating, you know, that can be at the office or their work environment, or even at home. You know, it's like, oh, no, I'll do everything. I'll do all the laundry, I'll do all the dishes, I'll do everything. Because they feel like they just need to be good enough. They need to show that they can do it. And then there's the Savior and the Savior really feels like they have to save the day. They're the rescuer. They'll find people or projects to save. So they're always raising their hand it's for me, I'm gonna do it and save yours are often drawn to, you know, kind of maladaptive relationships, codependent relationships. And then there's a superhero, lots of super women, I bet. Doing all things, the warriors overcompensating, we feel like we just you know, our worth is proven through how much we do. And we also feel like, we've got to do more just to get to the starting gate. So that's it. Five, six is the Master, the Master feels like they need just one more, one more degree or one more certification to be, quote unquote, good enough, they just need to do one more thing, and then maybe they'll be ready into they end up really procrastinating. But they never feel good enough. And they're always comparison, comparing themselves to others doing the same thing that they're doing. And then there's the Prodigy. That's the last one. This is one that a lot of people haven't heard of. So the Prodigy feels like they have to go from zero to hero or beginner to mastery immediately. They have to be that expert immediately. Because, you know, that competency staircase, we're just talking about the falling down and getting back up and maybe taking two steps forward and one step back. They feel like they're going to be exposed as not being good enough. And so terrifying, that they just won't raise their hand, they won't get into something that they don't feel like they have a natural aptitude for a natural genius for or they'll quit so prodigies often quit, don't procrastinate until, you know, projects just kind of go into paralysis or just never get done. And all of these archetypes have good sides. They all have the stories, the excuses the explanations for why this is a good thing.

Lindsay Miller  28:57  
Oh, that's so fascinating. Thank you for sharing those. I love the different ways of conceptualizing behavior because I think it especially an archetype for makes it relatable. Right, what you just described, I think you can totally relate to those different qualities and seeing the ways those come up in ourselves, can help us, like you said, to identify maybe the places where we're constantly holding ourselves back or finding that pattern behavior. And then like you've mentioned at the beginning of the explanation, not judging ourselves for them. And not taking it as a as an opportunity to be like, yep, that's what I always do. I've always done it. I'm most awful, right? But saying, No, and because I now recognize this and it's in my awareness. Now I know where I can start to move forward or now I know which habits or patterns or behaviors tend to get in my way, right and those I can identify with, be gentle with and then move through more skillfully. Now that I know What's holding me back?

Sheryl Anjanette  30:02  
Absolutely, absolutely. It's really life changing. Because when we get that radical self honesty, when we look inside, it's scary. But when we do we shine the light, we find out, it's not as bad as we thought. It's not as scary. And it's not as hard to get back to that center. And it is absolutely life changing. But it's not as simple as doing a few exercises, that's really, really important. Because we do want to kind of repattern our mind, we do get into this pattern thinking as self talk, belief systems. So we do want to do that. But it's also, you know, I don't know if I've mentioned this yet, I don't think I have. But my whole approach, Lindsey is doing the deep dive to the inside of called the inside out, and the outside in approach that we want to figure out what the root causes. You know, because they usually aren't one, we pull out the root we, we create a better garden, and then we can plant our flowers than our tree can grow healthy and the branches are healthy. So we get those root causes. And sometimes they're so deeply buried, and they're just not at all what you think, you know, it's like, wow, it wasn't, I had no memory of that my subconscious mind completely suppressed that.

Lindsay Miller  31:27  
Yeah, yeah. Well, and the power comes to, and this is where it's work to get there, right. But when you can make the shift and let go of whatever the underlying belief is, it's powerful in that it, it just stops holding you back. Right? Like being able to do the work to get to the root of it enables you to really move through it like for the rest of your life.

Sheryl Anjanette  31:53  
Yeah, like, for example, one of the aha moments I had for myself and I, I do this a lot with clients, because I'm also a Hypnotherapist. So I'll go in with clients, but I'll just tell you for me, I had both of my parents have passed now they both transition. But my father was just like such a loving, wonderful, wonderful person for me, he was bigger than life. And I just, you know, I carry him in my heart. So a lot, a lot of love. But what was hard for me was going back and saying, oh, and in this there can be an aunt here. Dad also had a temper. And he was controlling, he wasn't a narcissist, but he was controlling. He even said later in life to me, like, oh, I guess I'm a little controlling. And kind of, we kind of giggled about it. But, you know, he, when I was young, and probably did this for most of my life. But I think where it really hit me was when we were young, if my parents ever argued, and they rarely argued in front of us, but if my dad would ever get upset, he would go and take a drive. That was his way of kind of letting off steam. But for my young mind, I felt like he was abandoning us. Dad would seem upset. He'd walk out the door. He wouldn't slam the door, but he close it harder. And from my little mind, it felt like he was slamming the door like the door was shutting the car left. And even though he always came back, somewhere in my mind, I thought, I wonder if dad's coming back. I wonder if he's coming back? Why did he leave? I didn't realize that I you know, I became the worst kind of people pleaser. And I did marry a man who was a narcissist. My first marriage, I'm in a beautiful relationship now. But I was attracted to in a mallet and maladaptive relationship. And I didn't realize that, you know, that behavior, and you didn't mean that he would never have wanted me to feel that way. I mean, he would have taken me on his knee and taught me how much he loved me. And absolutely, and he was always there for me if he had known but we don't express this and we don't even know how to express it as a child. We don't really realize that dynamic is happening. And so for me, that was a huge aha moment, and really helped me really to set boundaries and to say no, and not worry what everyone else thought I did not hold judgment in my mind thinking everybody was judging me. It just, it was one of the things that really helped me move past impostor syndrome.

Lindsay Miller  34:43  
Yeah, thank you for sharing that story and so meaningful, and like the understanding that you are able to exhibit like for your dad, you know, in his later years understanding him at that level and the grace that comes to us as we work through those moments is really powerful, right? Because it's not about blaming anybody, it's not about getting frustrated, it's just about recognizing it, having compassion for all parties when possible. And in instances of abuse, finding, you know, finding a space and finding a way to navigate through to meaning for yourself. But having, having like, reframed that story for yourself, it like it no longer holds you back, like you're saying, and you can just move forward without being kind of like pulled backward, every time you'd have a tendency to want to grow, or every time you meet something that felt like you had to assert yourself or use your voice, that people pleasing part of you, could it be there, it could be part of you, but it wasn't holding you back from moving forward in the way you want it to.

Sheryl Anjanette  35:48  
Exactly. And, and for me, it was surprising. Because if someone had asked me if I had any fear of abandonment, I would have said, Of course not. No. And yet, there it was, you see, and that's why I stayed with someone that was unhealthy for me for so long. But yeah, and you know, I'm also a big believer and, and I know, we talked a little bit about this, Lindsey, but I'm really a big believer in seeing emotions, expressing emotions, because so much of distance emotions get suppressed, right, and they get suppressed for so long. And I am a big believer in expressing emotion. And if that emotions are not good or bad, there's no value judgment. Emotions are a language, they're energy in motion. And it's so important to honor them, because as soon as we see them, and we honor them, as soon as we give them some expression, and some understanding, we can release them. So one of the other things that I'll share is that, you know, I had something kind of difficult to happen to me in college. And I didn't get angry, you know, I was attacked by somebody. And it really changed the trajectory of my life. But rather than giving getting angry, because I didn't think of myself as an angry person. So I did that. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine.

Lindsay Miller  37:23  
You know the words, two words, in their English

Sheryl Anjanette  37:25  
language. Yeah, I did that I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. And I had everyone talked into, I'm fine. I'm glad it was me, I'm strong and resilient. I never got angry. And until I was able to honor that anger that, you know, there was some anger there and express it, I really wasn't able to truly heal from it. It did follow me around. And so it's not that we have to stay in any emotion again, that emotions are not good or bad. But it's like a symphony, you want your symphony to harmonize. There are a lot of different instruments, and emotion. And I think you talk about this Lindsey, emotion is a way that we can understand that something's going on. Because we get the emotion first. And then the feeling is actually the story, the narrative, we give that emotion, the emotion we feel in our body. So hurt, blame, shame, anger, fear. Loneliness goes off feel a little different in our body. And they feel quite different than love and joy and excitement, right? So when we honor them, and we understand where they're showing up, we can breathe into them. We can check the narrative we've given them, see if it's even true. See if it was misinterpreted, interpreted, maybe it was from a very young child that didn't understand and had a different viewpoint. You know, other monsters in the closet? No, look, no monsters in the closet. It's just dark, dark darkness isn't scary, you know? So Right. So anywhere, I really am a big believer that we can express those and so many emotions, not all in other emotions like grief that require a little more time to process through. But all emotions have a processing period and most of them if not all of them can be processed rather quickly if we shine the light in if we honor them.

Lindsay Miller  39:40  
Yeah. So well put in again, I appreciate the story you shared and my heart goes out to you in that moment because it's so so often the case that we take that I'm okay route, right and we deny whatever is going on and we do We can do that with any number of things like having a busy household with a lot of kids, we can do that with jobs, we can do that with spouses, we can do that, you know, with aspirations that we have and be like, Oh, it's fine. I don't, I don't actually want to do that I don't, it's, I don't No need to do that, even though we're maybe frustrated or really disappointed, something didn't work out or, you know, feeling a little bit of resentment creeping in, that we're not doing something that we really kind of want to do right now. And like, I'm fine, can be the bandaid for so many things that if we, if we acknowledge and work with them, like you're saying, and not, not necessarily let them rule, or drive drive on our journey, you know, but like, make sure that there's a space for them, or I love the analogy used of the symphony, make sure that they have a seat, right, and make sure that we're not trying to play life without them because they do offer and contribute so much. And it's reminding me of Maslow's hierarchy of needs. Are you familiar with that model, and I see, one of the things that, that we're finding more and more as we modernize and as people reach different developmental stages, is that there's more capacity now to really dive into those emotions, right. And like, where before, in different times, throughout history, it was just about surviving. So Maslow's hierarchy of needs, it's like you need safety, and a place, you know, its place to live, you need food you need, you know, and then learning and then emotion. And we're getting more and more people who are reaching self actualization, right? Who have the capacity, both in terms of time, energy and resources, to look at emotion and to identify like, what is this actually telling me and reach some of these different stages of development. And I think those were just not skills that have been perpetuated historically, because they weren't as useful as they are now, right, we didn't have as much capacity, or there weren't as many people who are interested in, you know, diving in and understanding what emotion can tell us and how it can change our lives when we learn to listen to it. And so, not taking it as like you're behind. Or if you didn't learn this before, you know, again, applying these impostor syndrome ideas here, like just try now to start listening, like Cheryl was saying, if you're noticing emotion coming up, just not shoving it down, right, and letting it be what it is. And if that initial expression of it is a little bit messy, just know that that's part of the process of learning to work with it. Right? And then as we keep going, we get more and more skilled at working with it. And then we find ourselves more and more often in that healthy zone. You describe, right?

Sheryl Anjanette  42:34  
Absolutely, absolutely. I mean, I think Maslow's hierarchy of needs is just a great representation. So we can see because we get stuck, we get stuck in areas like, clearly, once you you if you don't feel safe, if you don't feel secure, you're you're going to feel impeded. But we get stuck in the belonging. Right? Do I belong? Am I part of this? You know, it's interesting to women. You know, our brains are different men and women's brains are actually different. And so women will really get stuck in uncertainty. Well, it's because we're divergent thinkers, we have more connections from the front of our brain, the prefrontal cortex, which is like our executive functioning to our hippocampus. And so we have more connections, and we're very divergent thinkers, which means that we're going to walk around a problem. And we're going to look at things from all sides. And so we'll we can get ourselves really stuck in analysis, paralysis, where men have fewer connections, they go, you know, they're more convergent thinkers, they just want to go right to the solution. Even if it's not the best solution, they want to get the solution. They want to solve things, you know, so we do get stuck, we get a little bit stuck in our uncertainty, and then we start to quote unquote, overthink things and we'll let those ruminating thoughts go. And so that's part of what I teach is how to get a hold of those thoughts. How to figure out what is unproductive because rumination are the thoughts that loop that just aren't productive. They stick there, right? They're not, they're not in the creative zone. And I'll say, I'll say that when we talk, I just do a quick zigzag or over to burnout for a moment, because I think a lot of a lot of parents and women in particular are experiencing burnout. But women are experiencing burnout, twice as much as men twice as much because we're juggling so much. And because of the way we think our the way our minds work. And so it's not just the activities. It's not Just that we have so much on our plate, it's this underlying anxiety that is burning us out. It's the thought, rumination, you know, it's the feelings of not good enough and are not worthy or not deserving the start to really wear us down and burn us out. So because what happens is we, our brains, we have like endogenous, you know, opioids, we actually create endogenous from our body, our body is like its own pharmacy, and it will create hormones and neurotransmitters and, you know, really these drugs. And so we'll get a stress cocktail of adrenaline and noradrenaline and cortisol, everybody knows about cortisol, right? That heightened cortisol, and then we'll get the a hit of dopamine, believe it or not, we'll get a hit of dopamine. And then we'll get to opioids because it feels painful. So our body doesn't distinguish between emotional or physical pain. And so then we start to get addicted to the stress. And now this is all going on and the stress. And we wonder why we have trouble, you know, kind of getting off the hamster wheel. But it's so so important for our health and for our children, and for our family, to get over the addiction to get this under control, to not let ourselves keep going on the path of burnout, because it's insidious. It's not like burnout just happens that happens over a period of time, until you hit the wall until you hit the wall. So I really you know, one thing I'd love to do before we finish this podcast today, Lindsay is if it's okay, just give your listeners a couple of techniques that they can do, that they can practice. Is that all right?

Lindsay Miller  46:57  
Yeah, I would love that. And I'm glad the way that you glad for the way you tied it all in because I think the all these different things we've been talking about, like you're saying lead to burnout, right? If we're denying the emotions that we're feeling, we're saying we're finding I've had so many seasons where I did burn out, because I was just like, I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine until my body was finally like, you are so far from fine. That though, you're gonna have to spend some time digging out and you know, the same what you're saying about impostor syndrome and thinking and so I love that you tied it all together in this moment. And, yes, please share the tools that that will help. Because anything we can do to live more authentically and own the different experiences and emotions that are coming up and then clarify the things that we're thinking about ourselves, and about our capacity are going to lend lend us to like a more full life and like you're saying a more connection with the people that we love. So let's hear it. Yeah,

Sheryl Anjanette  47:54  
yeah. And so first and foremost, and I know people have heard this, I know that people know this. But there's a big difference between knowing and doing. So if you hear what I'm about to say next, Nisa. Yeah, I know, I know, I know, she's just talking about that breathing thing. I want you to listen with listening ears in a different way than you've listened to this before. Because when you breathe you in this way, the way I'm going to tell you right now, you will within three to five breaths, move yourself from your sympathetic nervous system, which is the fight or flight, freeze flight or flight part of your nervous system, into the parasympathetic nervous system that gets you out of that, you know, reactive state, so that your prefrontal cortex, that executive function can talk to the emotional side, you know, it's not that we want the emotion to go away, we just want to have a little more not control, but choice influence in how we're thinking and how we're feeling. So when you breathe, the most important part of this is that it's deep, its low, and slow. That's the way to remember it. If you breathe in a shallow way, you're going to actually put yourself into more of that fight or flight feeling, you know, that stimulates that there are little nerve endings at the top of your lungs, that will stimulate that amygdala, that part of the brain. So you want to breathe past that, almost like you're trying to pull the breath into the base of your spine. And I'd like to say go, you want to try to get up to at least six counts. If you can't do six counts, do what you can maybe three, four counts, until you can work your way up to six to eight. And you want to hold it for the same number of counts, almost like you're holding your breath. And then you want to release it just as slowly. In fact, there's study there are studies that have been done that say that if you release your breath, an extra count or two, you release more cortisol, and it seems to happen more with women than men. So it's a way of letting go of some of that buildup of cortisol, the stress hormone, one of the stress hormones. So breathing in, and you can do this as I'm speaking, and as I'm giving you some of these other tips, is just go ahead and do that deep breathing in, holder, let it go. Now, one of the things you want to do is make sure that you're breathing at a time, like where you, you aren't stressed, you want to get used to that. So get yourself into a pattern where you wake up and you do your breathing, maybe just before you go to brush your teeth. And then you do when you go when you walk up like I do it, when I go up to my coffeemaker, every time I go to my coffee maker, it's a trigger for me, I do my breathing, you know, you do certain things, I, when I first started this, I would set a little timer on my phone to remind me and I would do my deep breathing. And the reason is you create a pattern a neurological pathway in the brain that reminds you. So when you are stressed, you don't hold your breath, you don't go into shallow breathing, you stop and you do the breathing. Because it's already a bit familiar, we want to create the pattern of familiarity. So you go into it, when the stakes are high, when you are feeling that stress. Secondly, is to take breaks, try to take a break, whatever you could do, if it's on hour, once an hour, if you can do it twice an hour, even better, it doesn't need to be a long way. It can be a two minute break up two minutes for me and clear your mind. Literally just go you know what it's all there. If I need to write down a couple of little notes on a pad, get up, walk around, literally shake it up, off, if you were seeing me, I would jump out of my chair and I would literally shake my whole body. Like I was just letting it shake off, right? Like just shake it all off. Or, you know, do three jumping jacks or, you know, whatever it is do a couple of knee bends that shake it off, give yourself at least two minutes or three minutes or five minutes, whatever you can spare, and do the debriefing. But get yourself to do some movement and take those breaks. But this is really, really important. And then the third tip, the third thing I'll tell you, and I'll just leave you with three for now, is tell someone because if you've been saying I've got it, I'm fine. I'm fine, I'm fine. I'm okay. Tell somebody that you're not call, I might say Lindsey, I just need a minute, I just need to tell you, I'm feeling really overwhelmed right now. I would go up to my husband because I have an adorable husband that I picked right the second time. And I'll say Honey, I just need a hug. I'm feeling really overwhelmed, and he'll give me a hug or a hug my dog doesn't matter. Tell someone, even if it's your animals, say it out loud, get it out of your head. It's okay to not be all things. In fact, it's human. And you know, if you look at the people, you're probably most attracted to the people. You listen to the people you follow like Lindsey or Brene Brown to put you back in the same universe. You'll say I love listening to that person, because she's so real. She's so authentic. She doesn't pretend to be all things.

Lindsay Miller  53:35  
Yeah. No, I appreciate that insight. Well, and I think that there's, there's so much value in Yeah, that awareness piece, right. And like you're saying, practicing bringing those practices in and giving us giving ourselves the chance to recalibrate. And I love that taking the brakes and giving. Giving ourselves a chance to breathe when we're calm is so key also. And that's something I'm such a big proponent of so thank you. Those are such good tools.

Sheryl Anjanette  54:06  
You're so welcome. You're so welcome. And you know, I have 20 exercises actually throughout my bluff my book. The imposter lies within silence your inner critic tame your fear and leads your badassery it's it's really more of a roadmap. It's more of a journey past impostor syndrome. So it really takes you through awareness. And then we get into insight and then into alignment, and then integration. So it really is a journey. And there's actually is if it's okay if I mentioned this, because I do find a lot of people really like it. If they go to my name Cheryl and jeanette.com and just don't find a quiz or you can even put forward slash quiz. You can take a quiz just to get your imposter syndrome scored if you want to figure out how impostor syndrome might be showing up for you.

Lindsay Miller  55:01  
I love that. Yeah, thank you. And we'll link to that in the show notes. This has been so insightful. Sheryl, thank you again for your time and the work that you put out into the world. It's been. Yeah, it's so many so many great things you've brought up today. Thank you. So what did you think I loved what she said about rumination and I find with grownups and kids that rumination often is in the way of so many things. It keeps us from accessing our courage and our competence in moments when really we'd like deserve to own it, we could have courage and confidence, but ruminating on the the things we're afraid of, or things that haven't gotten right, or the disappointments that we faced before, or the worries that we have that we're not good enough, those things are so prevalent, and often get in the way of us, like stepping fully into whatever it is we're trying to do. So I hope there was a takeaway for you here that you can use to help yourself have a week where you feel less of an impostor and more of a confident, bold person in your life. Thanks again for being here. 

You've just finished an episode of The Stress Nanny podcast. So hopefully you feel a little more empowered when it comes to dealing with stress. Feel free to take a deep breath and let it out slowly as you go back to your day. I'm so glad you're here. If you're a longtime listener, thank you so much for your support. It really means the world to me. If you're new, I'd love to have you follow the podcast and join me each week. And no matter how long you've been listening, please share this episode with someone who was stressed out. If you enjoyed the show, would you please do me a favor and go to ratethispodcast.com/thestressnanny and leave a review. The link is in the show notes. I'm so grateful for all my listeners. Thank you again for being here. Until next time!

Transcribed by https://otter.ai