July 24, 2025
What if Discouragement is Just a Feeling, Not an Identity?
Have you ever cringed when your child declared "I'm the worst!" during a challenging homework session? That moment of self-defeating language offers a powerful opportunity for transformation—if you know how to respond. The latest episode of the Summer Skills Series tackles reframing, a deceptively simple tool with profound impacts on how children view themselves during difficult moments. This technique separates feelings from identity, turning global, hopeless statements like "I'm never goin...
Have you ever cringed when your child declared "I'm the worst!" during a challenging homework session? That moment of self-defeating language offers a powerful opportunity for transformation—if you know how to respond.
The latest episode of the Summer Skills Series tackles reframing, a deceptively simple tool with profound impacts on how children view themselves during difficult moments. This technique separates feelings from identity, turning global, hopeless statements like "I'm never going to figure this out" into manageable, temporary experiences. When consistently applied, reframing helps children develop resilience and a growth mindset that serves them far beyond academic challenges.
What makes this approach so effective is how it acknowledges emotions while creating pathways forward. Rather than dismissing feelings or rushing to fix problems, effective reframing validates the struggle while maintaining agency. "You're feeling discouraged right now" communicates a fundamental truth: people feel feelings, but they are not those feelings. This distinction allows children to work through emotions rather than becoming stuck in them.
The episode breaks down exactly how to implement this technique, from managing your own triggered responses to using active listening as your foundation. You'll learn specific language patterns that help children navigate discouragement, concrete examples of effective reframes, and strategies for staying present during challenging interactions. Whether your child struggles with homework frustration, social anxiety, or sports performance, these tools provide a consistent framework for supporting their emotional growth.
Ready to transform how your child navigates challenges? Listen now and discover how small shifts in language can create massive shifts in mindset. Share your own reframing successes in the comments—what strategies have worked in your family?
Lindsay Miller is a distinguished kids mindfulness coach, mindfulness educator and host of The Stress Nanny Podcast. She is known for her suitcase tricks and playful laugh. When she's not cheering on her daughter or rollerblading on local trails with her husband, you can find her using her 20+ years of child development study and mindfulness certification to dream up new ways to get kids excited about deep breathing. Having been featured on numerous podcasts, platforms and publications, Lindsay’s words of wisdom are high impact and leave a lasting impression wherever she goes.
To sign up for Lindsay's "Calm & Collected" Newsletter click here.
To review the podcast click here.
00:00 - Welcome to Stress Nanny Podcast
01:06 - Introducing Reframing as a Tool
03:15 - How to Respond vs React
04:34 - Breaking Down the Reframing Process
07:20 - Managing Your Own Mind First
12:07 - Practical Example of Effective Reframing
WEBVTT
00:00:07.650 --> 00:00:11.375
You're listening to the Stress Nanny Podcast and I'm your host, lindsay Miller.
00:00:11.375 --> 00:00:14.228
I'm here to help you keep an eye on your family's stress levels.
00:00:14.228 --> 00:00:20.292
In our fast-paced lives, the ability to manage stress has never been more important for kids or adults.
00:00:20.292 --> 00:00:25.826
When it comes to stress, we have two choices we can decrease stress or increase our resilience to it.
00:00:25.826 --> 00:00:31.923
Here on the number eight ranked stress podcast, I interview experts and share insights to help you do both.
00:00:31.923 --> 00:00:39.212
When you tune in each week, you'll bring your stress levels down and your resilience up, so that stress doesn't get in the way of you living your best life.
00:00:39.212 --> 00:00:40.621
I'm so glad you're here.
00:00:40.621 --> 00:00:46.671
Welcome to the Stress Nanny Podcast.
00:00:46.671 --> 00:00:52.710
I'm your host, lindsay Miller, and I'm delighted that you're here today for another episode of our Summer Skills Series.
00:00:53.271 --> 00:01:06.703
So these are episodes where we are applying tools of emotional regulation to small moments throughout the summer to help us use those tools more consistently once school starts and life gets a little bit more crazy and busy.
00:01:06.703 --> 00:01:10.311
So today, what we're going to be talking about is reframing.
00:01:10.311 --> 00:01:40.822
This is a simple tool that makes a massive difference, and I'm going to go over why in just a minute, but I just want to start out by emphasizing that this may seem like a very elementary or simple way of addressing a problem, but when you use it consistently over the longterm, it has a significant impact on how your interactions with your kids go or with anyone for that matter, and also on how they see themselves, and that's the key.
00:01:40.822 --> 00:01:55.588
If we can help them reframe the way that they see themselves, especially when they're struggling, we give them a massive gift in terms of their ability to adopt a growth mindset in challenging situations in or outside of our home.
00:01:55.588 --> 00:01:59.923
And so this tool is one of my absolute all-time favorites.
00:01:59.923 --> 00:02:12.262
It's one I use with my clients every single week and it's one we use in our house, you know, multiple times a day, because it really does change the way that a child sees themselves, and that it's just.
00:02:12.262 --> 00:02:23.649
I can't overstate how important that is for growing minds to see themselves as capable and resilient, and this tool is what fosters that kind of attitude in kids.
00:02:23.649 --> 00:02:24.532
So here we go.
00:02:24.532 --> 00:02:30.135
So when we reframe, what we do is we kind of build on these other skills we've been talking about.
00:02:30.295 --> 00:02:36.551
So response versus reaction, and then active listening reframing, you know, utilizes both.
00:02:36.551 --> 00:02:44.421
So in a situation where a child says something that kind of makes us cringe and we're like, oh, I'm so sad that you see yourself that way.
00:02:44.421 --> 00:02:47.007
Or like, oh, I hurts my heart to hear you say that about yourself.
00:02:47.007 --> 00:02:55.032
In those moments we often have our own reaction right and we might say, like don't say that, or like that's not true.
00:02:55.032 --> 00:03:09.032
And then we also sometimes like, sometimes we'll also reframe after we have that initial reaction, but a lot of times it kind of like hurts our heart and it's hard for us to respond in an intentional way.
00:03:09.533 --> 00:03:14.913
So a lot of the reaction response work here is going to be for us as the parent.
00:03:14.913 --> 00:03:19.472
When we engage in the situation, we're going to need to be intentional about our response.
00:03:19.472 --> 00:03:25.867
And then we're going to use the active listening skills that we cultivated last week to help us create that reframe.
00:03:25.867 --> 00:03:34.492
So we're going to notice our feelings, we're going to really listen and clarify what's going on and then we're going to just like shift the words a little bit.
00:03:34.492 --> 00:03:40.665
We're still going to be true to what they're saying, but we're going to clarify for them and we're going to give them a pathway through.
00:03:40.665 --> 00:03:42.931
Again, I'm going to go over that in just a second.
00:03:42.931 --> 00:03:50.002
But the things that we're going to say in this moment require us to be really present, because we're going to have to process our own feelings about it.
00:03:50.002 --> 00:03:57.512
We're going to need to actively connect with what our kid is feeling and then we're going to find the words that help all of us move through a little bit more effectively.
00:03:58.319 --> 00:04:12.288
So the words that we use matter right, and when we're in a situation, say, where our kids are doing homework and I hear this from clients where you know like they're in the middle of solving a problem and they can't figure it out, they're like I'm the worst.
00:04:12.288 --> 00:04:18.490
I'm the worst at you know, fill in the blank of the subject or I'm the worst in general, like I'm the worst, I'm never going to figure this out.
00:04:18.490 --> 00:04:35.274
And a lot of the client work that I do is around growth mindset, and so, as we're talking about different growth mindset ideas, one of the important things is that we see ourselves like as a person having a moment, instead of globalizing that moment.
00:04:35.274 --> 00:04:57.632
So in this situation, if we're sitting there, our kid is at the kitchen table and we hear I'm the worst, I'm never going to figure this out with some, you know, like fist slamming or throwing papers or just like exasperated size, then that's when we like put our tools to work Right, and we're like oh, it sounds like you're feeling really discouraged right now.
00:04:57.632 --> 00:04:59.182
Tell me what's going on.
00:04:59.182 --> 00:05:03.896
Okay, now it's a simple reframe, right, like in from.
00:05:03.896 --> 00:05:05.742
I am the worst, I'm never going to figure this out.
00:05:06.083 --> 00:05:11.581
Our reflection back to the kid, our active listening, is it sounds like you're feeling discouraged.
00:05:11.581 --> 00:05:22.375
So we figured out the feeling and we say, right now we're going to conceptualize it as like a moment in time, not everything about you, and then tell me what's going on.
00:05:22.375 --> 00:05:33.829
So then we invite the child to then use, like, their logical sequencing part of the brain to connect with the emotion and then, like, create a narrative that's going to help them move through the moment.
00:05:33.829 --> 00:05:42.218
And as we are listening, we're going to continue to reframe so that we help them, like, have a momentum forward instead of that feeling of stuck.
00:05:42.218 --> 00:05:45.187
And it's a really simple thing and we can do that with words.
00:05:45.187 --> 00:05:49.324
So let's break that down a little bit in a little bit more detail.
00:05:50.228 --> 00:05:54.060
So again, the child says I am the worst, I'm never going to figure this out.
00:05:54.060 --> 00:06:06.565
So this is where we use our active listening and we're going to say like, okay, instead of feeling what, we're going to notice first our own response right, like we might be feeling exasperated, frustrated, we might be feeling like I don't have time for this.
00:06:06.565 --> 00:06:09.230
We might, you know, there might be any number of responses we have personally.
00:06:09.230 --> 00:06:12.745
We sort those, we notice them, we don't respond from that place.
00:06:12.745 --> 00:06:18.545
We like let those thoughts come and go, we normalize them and say, yeah, like I'm having a rough day, there's a lot going on right now.
00:06:18.545 --> 00:06:32.189
Like it makes sense that I'm feeling frustrated, I'm going to so that I can be productive in this exchange with my kid and then.
00:06:32.043 --> 00:06:39.014
So then we say, okay, our active listening is telling me that my kid is feeling discouraged, right, like, if I'm listening and I'm really like mining what the feeling is behind, I am the worst.
00:06:39.014 --> 00:06:40.826
I'm never going to figure this out.
00:06:40.826 --> 00:06:45.632
That's discouragement, because that's the sense of, like you know, hopelessness.
00:06:45.632 --> 00:06:51.021
We're not going to be able to move through this math problem or science problem or English essay, whatever it is that we're working on.
00:06:51.021 --> 00:06:52.846
Like I am stuck.
00:06:52.846 --> 00:07:03.665
And when we feel discouraged and helpless, we're, we're not in a position to take effective action, right, but if someone can come and help us recognize, like, oh, this is discouragement.
00:07:03.665 --> 00:07:06.684
It's really normal to feel discouraged when you're learning something new.
00:07:06.684 --> 00:07:08.168
That's what everyone feels.
00:07:08.168 --> 00:07:18.565
The important thing is that you keep trying and eventually that discouragement will turn into confidence and then you know, like those types of situations, you could use your own words.
00:07:18.665 --> 00:07:29.983
But when we normalize the discouragement in a moment where a child is learning something new, we give them permission to feel it and then, once they have permission to feel it, they can move through it right.
00:07:29.983 --> 00:07:38.589
So us being able to identify what's at the heart of the words is going to be key to this reframe and what we do in that situation.
00:07:38.589 --> 00:07:43.891
So again, if we reframe I'm the worst too it sounds like you're feeling really discouraged right now.
00:07:43.891 --> 00:07:54.680
Just by changing those words a little bit, what we do is we separate the feeling from the person, so you're not a person who's the worst, I am the worst.
00:07:54.680 --> 00:07:58.809
It becomes a like a part of the identity, right?
00:07:58.809 --> 00:08:04.129
I'm never going to figure this out Like this is all like a permanent part of your identity, right?
00:08:04.449 --> 00:08:08.466
When we say something like it sounds like you're feeling really discouraged right now.
00:08:08.466 --> 00:08:20.509
We separate the feeling from the person, so you are not discouragement yourself, you are feeling discouraged, and while it feels like a big feeling and is taking over all of your feelings right now it's just still a feeling.
00:08:20.509 --> 00:08:24.307
You're a whole beautiful person who is feeling discouraged at the moment.
00:08:24.307 --> 00:08:34.443
And then the other thing we do with that reframe when we say it sounds like you're feeling really discouraged right now, we take it from a global situation I am the worst.
00:08:34.443 --> 00:08:39.986
It's like a universal global statement Like this is how it has been, this is how it is now, this is how it will always be.
00:08:39.986 --> 00:08:41.653
I am the worst, right.
00:08:41.653 --> 00:08:49.493
But when we say you're feeling discouraged right now, that takes it from hopeless into situational.
00:08:49.493 --> 00:09:01.226
So instead of it being this hopeless, global, always has been, always will be statement, it becomes like oh, you're a person who's feeling a lot of different things and right now you're feeling discouraged.
00:09:01.226 --> 00:09:04.344
Yesterday you're feeling excited, tomorrow you might feel angry.
00:09:04.344 --> 00:09:05.408
People feel feelings.
00:09:05.408 --> 00:09:06.643
People are not feelings.
00:09:06.643 --> 00:09:13.445
So again, we don't have to say all that, and this doesn't.
00:09:13.485 --> 00:09:20.105
This isn't about making it into a lecture where we explain each of these things, but I'm just giving you like insight into why these small and simple reframes have a massive impact.
00:09:20.105 --> 00:09:23.812
So, with those, just that one sentence, right.
00:09:23.812 --> 00:09:26.464
So you hear, I'm the worst, I'm never going to figure this out.
00:09:26.464 --> 00:09:30.793
And then you reflect back it sounds like you're feeling really discouraged right now.
00:09:30.793 --> 00:09:32.461
Tell me what's going on.
00:09:32.461 --> 00:09:36.191
You have separated the feeling from the person.
00:09:36.191 --> 00:09:41.657
You have made the situation like a true situational exchange instead of something global.
00:09:41.657 --> 00:09:45.048
That's always going to be this way, and you open yourself up to learn more.
00:09:46.052 --> 00:10:01.667
If the child says like the teacher didn't explain it right and I don't understand how to do it and my friends aren't available and there's just no way I'm going to figure this out, then again you can say like wow, it feels like you're really feeling stuck and it is so hard to feel stuck.
00:10:01.667 --> 00:10:08.548
Feeling stuck is one of the worst things I I would say I'm allergic to helplessness, but I but I hate that feeling.
00:10:08.548 --> 00:10:13.663
But when we notice that's what we're feeling, we can work with it right and we can sit with it.
00:10:13.663 --> 00:10:26.488
But if I fight helplessness and I'm like no, no, no, you're not, you know you're not feeling helpless, then I'm not actually giving my child the opportunity to engage with A the feeling and then B the solution.
00:10:26.488 --> 00:10:32.226
So if I say, oh my gosh, helplessness is so hard to feel, I hate feeling helpless too.
00:10:33.470 --> 00:10:39.590
Let's figure out what we can do in this situation to see if we can make it feel a little less helpless, right?
00:10:39.590 --> 00:10:41.701
Is there anyone else you could call?
00:10:41.701 --> 00:10:47.308
Could we look online, you know, for some tutorials or a support or a solution?
00:10:47.308 --> 00:10:53.475
You know, if it's math are we like is there a Khan Academy tutorial or is there something on YouTube that could help us?
00:10:53.475 --> 00:11:01.466
I mean, I'm not a big fan of using chat GPT to like write our essays, but is chat GPT something we could consult right now, right?
00:11:01.486 --> 00:11:07.589
So all of the things we're like teaching our child in this moment is like how to work through this feeling that they're feeling.
00:11:07.589 --> 00:11:09.312
That feels really like uncomfortable.
00:11:09.312 --> 00:11:20.917
But if we're fighting, like we're not even willing to feel that feeling or sit with them in it, that's where we're like just gloss over that, don't feel helpless, just do something different or figure it out Like you'll get there.
00:11:20.917 --> 00:11:23.604
Those things are all great and it's good to encourage them.
00:11:23.604 --> 00:11:33.744
But when we can really sit with them in that moment and hear what they're saying and understand the feeling that they're having, then we can like problem solve from their vantage point.
00:11:33.744 --> 00:11:46.328
Right, and instead of just throwing out ideas from a far away place, we're like sitting with them in that moment and being like, yeah, this helpless feeling about your homework is awful, let's figure out how to move through Right.
00:11:47.331 --> 00:11:53.085
A lot of times, as we are in these different situations, we get triggered.
00:11:53.085 --> 00:11:59.206
We aren't able to reframe because we're having a hard time managing our thoughts about the situation.
00:11:59.206 --> 00:12:03.865
So if we're not able to manage our mind in that moment, it's going to be really tricky for us to reframe.
00:12:03.865 --> 00:12:27.211
And examples of not managing our mind are we may spin off into worry about why our kid feels this way, what it means for their future, how they felt this way last week, how it's irritating to us and we have so many things to do and we're trying to make dinner how this emotion might stir up something in us because we maybe didn't like this subject also and we're feeling, you know, a sense of our own previous discouragement about it.
00:12:27.759 --> 00:12:32.051
Whatever it is, it's all normal that this happens and that it triggers different things in us.
00:12:32.051 --> 00:12:34.745
But the key is to mindfully move through that right.
00:12:34.745 --> 00:12:40.846
We can be present, recognize that that's happening, let those thoughts go and then choose a reframe.
00:12:40.846 --> 00:12:53.163
Because if we respond from one of those places, like if we respond from our our feeling of frustration and like timing and I don't have time for this right now and like those are the thoughts that we're kind of operating from.
00:12:53.163 --> 00:13:05.826
It's going to be really hard for us to use a reframe in a way that is effective and that does not to say we need to take 30 minutes to address it, cause we don't always have that Right, but we often don't have that.
00:13:05.826 --> 00:13:19.703
But what we can do is just like take the 30 seconds to let our own emotions move through and then reframe, you know, uh, and that's, that's the
00:00:07.650 --> 00:00:11.375
00:00:11.375 --> 00:00:14.228
00:00:14.228 --> 00:00:20.292
00:00:20.292 --> 00:00:25.826
00:00:25.826 --> 00:00:31.923
00:00:31.923 --> 00:00:39.212
00:00:39.212 --> 00:00:40.621
00:00:40.621 --> 00:00:46.671
00:00:46.671 --> 00:00:52.710
00:00:53.271 --> 00:01:06.703
00:01:06.703 --> 00:01:10.311
00:01:10.311 --> 00:01:40.822
00:01:40.822 --> 00:01:55.588
00:01:55.588 --> 00:01:59.923
00:01:59.923 --> 00:02:12.262
00:02:12.262 --> 00:02:23.649
00:02:23.649 --> 00:02:24.532
00:02:24.532 --> 00:02:30.135
00:02:30.295 --> 00:02:36.551
00:02:36.551 --> 00:02:44.421
00:02:44.421 --> 00:02:47.007
00:02:47.007 --> 00:02:55.032
00:02:55.032 --> 00:03:09.032
00:03:09.533 --> 00:03:14.913
00:03:14.913 --> 00:03:19.472
00:03:19.472 --> 00:03:25.867
00:03:25.867 --> 00:03:34.492
00:03:34.492 --> 00:03:40.665
00:03:40.665 --> 00:03:42.931
00:03:42.931 --> 00:03:50.002
00:03:50.002 --> 00:03:57.512
00:03:58.319 --> 00:04:12.288
00:04:12.288 --> 00:04:18.490
00:04:18.490 --> 00:04:35.274
00:04:35.274 --> 00:04:57.632
00:04:57.632 --> 00:04:59.182
00:04:59.182 --> 00:05:03.896
00:05:03.896 --> 00:05:05.742
00:05:06.083 --> 00:05:11.581
00:05:11.581 --> 00:05:22.375
00:05:22.375 --> 00:05:33.829
00:05:33.829 --> 00:05:42.218
00:05:42.218 --> 00:05:45.187
00:05:45.187 --> 00:05:49.324
00:05:50.228 --> 00:05:54.060
00:05:54.060 --> 00:06:06.565
00:06:06.565 --> 00:06:09.230
00:06:09.230 --> 00:06:12.745
00:06:12.745 --> 00:06:18.545
00:06:18.545 --> 00:06:32.189
00:06:32.043 --> 00:06:39.014
00:06:39.014 --> 00:06:40.826
00:06:40.826 --> 00:06:45.632
00:06:45.632 --> 00:06:51.021
00:06:51.021 --> 00:06:52.846
00:06:52.846 --> 00:07:03.665
00:07:03.665 --> 00:07:06.684
00:07:06.684 --> 00:07:08.168
00:07:08.168 --> 00:07:18.565
00:07:18.665 --> 00:07:29.983
00:07:29.983 --> 00:07:38.589
00:07:38.589 --> 00:07:43.891
00:07:43.891 --> 00:07:54.680
00:07:54.680 --> 00:07:58.809
00:07:58.809 --> 00:08:04.129
00:08:04.449 --> 00:08:08.466
00:08:08.466 --> 00:08:20.509
00:08:20.509 --> 00:08:24.307
00:08:24.307 --> 00:08:34.443
00:08:34.443 --> 00:08:39.986
00:08:39.986 --> 00:08:41.653
00:08:41.653 --> 00:08:49.493
00:08:49.493 --> 00:09:01.226
00:09:01.226 --> 00:09:04.344
00:09:04.344 --> 00:09:05.408
00:09:05.408 --> 00:09:06.643
00:09:06.643 --> 00:09:13.445
00:09:13.485 --> 00:09:20.105
00:09:20.105 --> 00:09:23.812
00:09:23.812 --> 00:09:26.464
00:09:26.464 --> 00:09:30.793
00:09:30.793 --> 00:09:32.461
00:09:32.461 --> 00:09:36.191
00:09:36.191 --> 00:09:41.657
00:09:41.657 --> 00:09:45.048
00:09:46.052 --> 00:10:01.667
00:10:01.667 --> 00:10:08.548
00:10:08.548 --> 00:10:13.663
00:10:13.663 --> 00:10:26.488
00:10:26.488 --> 00:10:32.226
00:10:33.470 --> 00:10:39.590
00:10:39.590 --> 00:10:41.701
00:10:41.701 --> 00:10:47.308
00:10:47.308 --> 00:10:53.475
00:10:53.475 --> 00:11:01.466
00:11:01.486 --> 00:11:07.589
00:11:07.589 --> 00:11:09.312
00:11:09.312 --> 00:11:20.917
00:11:20.917 --> 00:11:23.604
00:11:23.604 --> 00:11:33.744
00:11:33.744 --> 00:11:46.328
00:11:47.331 --> 00:11:53.085
00:11:53.085 --> 00:11:59.206
00:11:59.206 --> 00:12:03.865
00:12:03.865 --> 00:12:27.211
00:12:27.759 --> 00:12:32.051
00:12:32.051 --> 00:12:34.745
00:12:34.745 --> 00:12:40.846
00:12:40.846 --> 00:12:53.163
00:12:53.163 --> 00:13:05.826
00:13:05.826 --> 00:13:19.703
